abstract expressionism: sought to evoke meaning, mood, and expressions as opposed to the realities of life, emotional as opposed to physical
experimental: stressing new techniques and style
modernism: individualism, departure from conventionality and realism, randomness of life
Friday, May 6, 2011
studying through blogging
i love modernism even though i don't give a shit right now about it. all i want is some real food, a nap and gone with the wind, an episode of joan and melissa, and to write some prose.
but i have three hours to cram. readysetgo!
modernism: going against the grain and the cultural conservatism and tendencies of that nature. adopted more realistic perspectives---adopted realism.
rejecting tradition! that's what i like to hear.
atheistic notions embedded as well...hmmm.
moved beyond obsolete tendencies and traditional forms of art and delved more into avant garde and unconventional executions.
experimental tendencies very big too.
defying social norms!
industrialization huge theme given that this is evidently accentuated in sister carrie, etc.
naturalism: the world is a mechanical entity, and we are just succumbing to it, like in sister carrie.
nothing exists beyond the natural world.
naturalism=related to realism.
it's inevitable that you will fall prey to social norms and your environment.
what is within you and what's outside of you determine your character and what you will be molded into.
chestnutt: marrow of tradition
major cateret and olivia have baby, dodie
olivia has half black sister janet she just found out about, is outraged
seeing janet makes her have her baby early WTF
two men going after clara (olivias neice!)
wealthy, good looking tom is going after her
but he's a dick
and lee, who works at the paper with the major is a lot better. plain looking but very nice and hardworking, is an editor.
tom gambles and drinks too much, a lowlife.
janet's husband, dr. miller is called by cateret's dr. because dodie chokes on a rattle
the major wont let him in cuz hes janet's husband, and black
cateret/captain mcbane/general belmont are plotting to exterminate black population.
aunt ochiltree: horrible woman, tom eventually kills her for her money since she's a hermit cuz he has to pay off gambling debt
josh greene: mcbane killed his dad, wants revenge. he does kill the bastard at the end, right as he's dying paradoxically when a riot breaks out.
sandy: tom's best friend and black servant. tom frames him though for the murder he committed. nearly lynched, yet soon everyone figures out that it's tom who was the killer.
gooperhead grapevine: intricateass story, ugh.
northern man and woman move to south...north/south carolina area to help with woman's illness. the land is good for raising grapes which is what the man wants to do. then he realizes the grapes have gone wild and someones been eating them...aka uncle julius has been eating them. then he meets crazy julius who tells him not to buy the land cuz the land is "cursed" which is bullshit.
mcadoo owned the grape land and made money for wine. he had aunt peggy, whose a witch cast a spell on the grapes. rumor: people who ate the grapes DIED.
mcadoo's slaves died cuz they kept eating grapes, so he got new slaves. henry the new slave tried grapes though nonetheless. aunt peggy gave him a potion to drink and told him to perform some movement---strange ones to kill the curse before it killed him.
then his hair grew like the vines. whatever grapes did, he did.
henry eventually died.
northern man rebuffs uncle julius bogus story and buys the land and makes a ton of cash money. apparently uncle julius was selling wine and made cash himself.
northern man got ripped off by julius.
passing of grandison:
dick: stupid rich privileged boy son of plantation owner
charity: dick is trying to get her to marry him
grandison: tricks white old master by saying slavery is a blessing and says he should be punished if he doesnt want slavery
basically white people are stupid and slaves can outsmart them
stephen crane stories:
maggie girl of the streets---
poor maggie becomes a hooker
jimmie gets in a street fight, pete rescues him
jimmies dad: abusive
jimmie: maggies brother
maggie older sister and tommie is younger
mary: abusive, drunken mother of the three children
dad: a drunk too
dad and tommie die
jimmie turns very bad gets into a lot of trouble
joins a gang
maggie: pure and innocent, doesn't fall prey to the corruption around her, in spite of poverty-stricken life
maggie: hopeful, vulnerable, naive, beautiful
pete: sleazeball bartender who courts maggie
she falls for his false sense of worldliness and swagger and bravado
she sees promise in him
mary verbally abuses maggie
maggie goes to pete, then jimmie is incensed at pete because he ruined maggie and took advantage of her
then pete and jimmie fight
maggie goes to leave with pete
jimmie and mary think maggie has failed as a human being and talk shit about her basically
she becomes scandalous and notorious
maggie and pete go to bar and meet nellie PRO GOLD DIGGER convinces pete to leave maggie
family wont let maggie back home
jimmie and mom: HUGE HYPOCRITICAL PIGS!!!!!
maggie becomes a prostitute
pete passes out in bar drunk and nellie leaves him
jimmie tells mary that maggie had died
mom says she'll forgive maggie PSH!
the open boat:
correspondent: condescending observer
captain: injured, saddened b/c lost ship
cook: fat, comical relief, content
billie: strong, DIES
see lighthouse amid their bickering and rowing
a sign of hope
sees a shark
swim for shore, billie swims for shore
three of the four reach shore safely
billie dies b/c swam alone
rescuers find them all including dead billie
bride comes to the yellow sky:
bride marries potter, town sheriff
misperceptions of oneself and the world around you as well as the people around you
human's warped understanding of the world
but i have three hours to cram. readysetgo!
modernism: going against the grain and the cultural conservatism and tendencies of that nature. adopted more realistic perspectives---adopted realism.
rejecting tradition! that's what i like to hear.
atheistic notions embedded as well...hmmm.
moved beyond obsolete tendencies and traditional forms of art and delved more into avant garde and unconventional executions.
experimental tendencies very big too.
defying social norms!
industrialization huge theme given that this is evidently accentuated in sister carrie, etc.
naturalism: the world is a mechanical entity, and we are just succumbing to it, like in sister carrie.
nothing exists beyond the natural world.
naturalism=related to realism.
it's inevitable that you will fall prey to social norms and your environment.
what is within you and what's outside of you determine your character and what you will be molded into.
chestnutt: marrow of tradition
major cateret and olivia have baby, dodie
olivia has half black sister janet she just found out about, is outraged
seeing janet makes her have her baby early WTF
two men going after clara (olivias neice!)
wealthy, good looking tom is going after her
but he's a dick
and lee, who works at the paper with the major is a lot better. plain looking but very nice and hardworking, is an editor.
tom gambles and drinks too much, a lowlife.
janet's husband, dr. miller is called by cateret's dr. because dodie chokes on a rattle
the major wont let him in cuz hes janet's husband, and black
cateret/captain mcbane/general belmont are plotting to exterminate black population.
aunt ochiltree: horrible woman, tom eventually kills her for her money since she's a hermit cuz he has to pay off gambling debt
josh greene: mcbane killed his dad, wants revenge. he does kill the bastard at the end, right as he's dying paradoxically when a riot breaks out.
sandy: tom's best friend and black servant. tom frames him though for the murder he committed. nearly lynched, yet soon everyone figures out that it's tom who was the killer.
gooperhead grapevine: intricateass story, ugh.
northern man and woman move to south...north/south carolina area to help with woman's illness. the land is good for raising grapes which is what the man wants to do. then he realizes the grapes have gone wild and someones been eating them...aka uncle julius has been eating them. then he meets crazy julius who tells him not to buy the land cuz the land is "cursed" which is bullshit.
mcadoo owned the grape land and made money for wine. he had aunt peggy, whose a witch cast a spell on the grapes. rumor: people who ate the grapes DIED.
mcadoo's slaves died cuz they kept eating grapes, so he got new slaves. henry the new slave tried grapes though nonetheless. aunt peggy gave him a potion to drink and told him to perform some movement---strange ones to kill the curse before it killed him.
then his hair grew like the vines. whatever grapes did, he did.
henry eventually died.
northern man rebuffs uncle julius bogus story and buys the land and makes a ton of cash money. apparently uncle julius was selling wine and made cash himself.
northern man got ripped off by julius.
passing of grandison:
dick: stupid rich privileged boy son of plantation owner
charity: dick is trying to get her to marry him
grandison: tricks white old master by saying slavery is a blessing and says he should be punished if he doesnt want slavery
basically white people are stupid and slaves can outsmart them
stephen crane stories:
maggie girl of the streets---
poor maggie becomes a hooker
jimmie gets in a street fight, pete rescues him
jimmies dad: abusive
jimmie: maggies brother
maggie older sister and tommie is younger
mary: abusive, drunken mother of the three children
dad: a drunk too
dad and tommie die
jimmie turns very bad gets into a lot of trouble
joins a gang
maggie: pure and innocent, doesn't fall prey to the corruption around her, in spite of poverty-stricken life
maggie: hopeful, vulnerable, naive, beautiful
pete: sleazeball bartender who courts maggie
she falls for his false sense of worldliness and swagger and bravado
she sees promise in him
mary verbally abuses maggie
maggie goes to pete, then jimmie is incensed at pete because he ruined maggie and took advantage of her
then pete and jimmie fight
maggie goes to leave with pete
jimmie and mary think maggie has failed as a human being and talk shit about her basically
she becomes scandalous and notorious
maggie and pete go to bar and meet nellie PRO GOLD DIGGER convinces pete to leave maggie
family wont let maggie back home
jimmie and mom: HUGE HYPOCRITICAL PIGS!!!!!
maggie becomes a prostitute
pete passes out in bar drunk and nellie leaves him
jimmie tells mary that maggie had died
mom says she'll forgive maggie PSH!
the open boat:
correspondent: condescending observer
captain: injured, saddened b/c lost ship
cook: fat, comical relief, content
billie: strong, DIES
see lighthouse amid their bickering and rowing
a sign of hope
sees a shark
swim for shore, billie swims for shore
three of the four reach shore safely
billie dies b/c swam alone
rescuers find them all including dead billie
bride comes to the yellow sky:
bride marries potter, town sheriff
misperceptions of oneself and the world around you as well as the people around you
human's warped understanding of the world
Thursday, May 5, 2011
dynastic cycle:
all rulers who came into power were put there by a higher power, or a divine source.
the cycle progressed into unifying China militarily
the ruler starts to rule
then restores peace---makes it widespread in the country
expansion, etc, economic growth, good things happen
then after its peak it plummets
and monarchy crumbles into oblivion
the courts have far too much opulence
governors are seeking independence
public works crumble as well everything is weakened and corrupt
li=part of the taoist way, essentially rituals, morals and virtues to follow, confucius' way
hsan tzu=influenced han fei tzu. very cynical!
chuang tzu=similar to lao tzu, the founder of taoism
all rulers who came into power were put there by a higher power, or a divine source.
the cycle progressed into unifying China militarily
the ruler starts to rule
then restores peace---makes it widespread in the country
expansion, etc, economic growth, good things happen
then after its peak it plummets
and monarchy crumbles into oblivion
the courts have far too much opulence
governors are seeking independence
public works crumble as well everything is weakened and corrupt
li=part of the taoist way, essentially rituals, morals and virtues to follow, confucius' way
hsan tzu=influenced han fei tzu. very cynical!
chuang tzu=similar to lao tzu, the founder of taoism
chuang tzu: was an ardent taoist, embodied the taoist spirit so to speak, and mencius was his teacher.
was a major impact on taoism as well as buddhism.
was heavily influenced/involved in the arts.
we are born with certain traits, but those are insufficient, they must be combined with the ones we acquire throughout our life in order to reach our full potential in life.
this allows us to reach the pinnacle of our life and of ourselves in the most potent and influential taoist way imaginable.
was a mystic like rumi.
very nature-oriented whereas rumi and sufism was more being one with God-oriented.
if decorum was evident and sufficient, there was no need for a government.
and that all humans are resilient and flexible and can mold themselves to fit their surroundings very well, more than they think.
given they have to go along with nature.
lao tzu: known to be Tao personified, but not a God. wrote the tao te ching, and founded taoism. basically was the taoist spirit.
was a major impact on taoism as well as buddhism.
was heavily influenced/involved in the arts.
we are born with certain traits, but those are insufficient, they must be combined with the ones we acquire throughout our life in order to reach our full potential in life.
this allows us to reach the pinnacle of our life and of ourselves in the most potent and influential taoist way imaginable.
was a mystic like rumi.
very nature-oriented whereas rumi and sufism was more being one with God-oriented.
if decorum was evident and sufficient, there was no need for a government.
and that all humans are resilient and flexible and can mold themselves to fit their surroundings very well, more than they think.
given they have to go along with nature.
lao tzu: known to be Tao personified, but not a God. wrote the tao te ching, and founded taoism. basically was the taoist spirit.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
the self
how is the self emphasized/de-emphasized in islam and china?
in chinese theory: emphasized. because peace within your self is a prime theme in terms of the taoist/buddhist/confucian traditions. although it stresses the importance of relationships and filial piety and respecting your elders and the significance of God's presence, confucius stressed the importance of learning through experience and growing to reach our full potential and essentially evolving. confucianism associates with humanity and more humanistic themes than islam. moreover, another confucian thought process would be: in order to truly get something out of our mistakes and such and learning from them, it's best if we know the consequences so the mistake doesn't happen in the first place (hopefully) as opposed to being punished later for it and not really knowing what's going on. a sense of shame is good, because then we can grow into a better person given the rules of decorum that reel us in, etc.
the tao te china: lots of confucianist/taoist themes.
etc etc etc.
in chinese theory: emphasized. because peace within your self is a prime theme in terms of the taoist/buddhist/confucian traditions. although it stresses the importance of relationships and filial piety and respecting your elders and the significance of God's presence, confucius stressed the importance of learning through experience and growing to reach our full potential and essentially evolving. confucianism associates with humanity and more humanistic themes than islam. moreover, another confucian thought process would be: in order to truly get something out of our mistakes and such and learning from them, it's best if we know the consequences so the mistake doesn't happen in the first place (hopefully) as opposed to being punished later for it and not really knowing what's going on. a sense of shame is good, because then we can grow into a better person given the rules of decorum that reel us in, etc.
the tao te china: lots of confucianist/taoist themes.
etc etc etc.
extremists
tan sitong was an extremist/radical/liberal chinese poet, thinker, activist, revolutionary/reformist whatever you want to call him who wrote over 200 poems while traveling early on in his life until he got on the grand council (who were in charge of military affairs and such)
tan sitong advocated for the hundred days reform which failed
he eventually was executed
liang qichao was also a scholar/thinker/writer/philosopher/etc. who helped catalyze the hundred days reform, which was an 104 day event that was highly fast-paced that sought to build the educational and political infrastructure from the ground up.
chen duxiu was also a major extremist because he was the founder and leader of the communist party---political theories based on Marxism.
mao tse tung: led the chinese revolution, cultural revolution, great leap forward. very extreme and his ideas clearly failed miserably.
nasser: overthrew monarchy in egypt through the egyptian revolution, second president of egypt.
al-banna: founded muslim brotherhood. which...
qutb was a part of. qutb was also executed because of the crazy extreme shit he did. best known for writing "social justice in islam." hated americans and their materialism.
obsolete traditions trigger disorder...or even the taoist theory can connect to that...social disorder comes from failing to rectify names for instance. when things aren't called what they should properly be called...which goes hand in hand with confucius' theory that chaos stems from NOT ACCEPTING REALITY. soooooooo true! every word of that shit rings true. we need to accept what is true in our hearts otherwise our self-deception and bullshit will drive us crazy.
tan sitong advocated for the hundred days reform which failed
he eventually was executed
liang qichao was also a scholar/thinker/writer/philosopher/etc. who helped catalyze the hundred days reform, which was an 104 day event that was highly fast-paced that sought to build the educational and political infrastructure from the ground up.
chen duxiu was also a major extremist because he was the founder and leader of the communist party---political theories based on Marxism.
mao tse tung: led the chinese revolution, cultural revolution, great leap forward. very extreme and his ideas clearly failed miserably.
nasser: overthrew monarchy in egypt through the egyptian revolution, second president of egypt.
al-banna: founded muslim brotherhood. which...
qutb was a part of. qutb was also executed because of the crazy extreme shit he did. best known for writing "social justice in islam." hated americans and their materialism.
obsolete traditions trigger disorder...or even the taoist theory can connect to that...social disorder comes from failing to rectify names for instance. when things aren't called what they should properly be called...which goes hand in hand with confucius' theory that chaos stems from NOT ACCEPTING REALITY. soooooooo true! every word of that shit rings true. we need to accept what is true in our hearts otherwise our self-deception and bullshit will drive us crazy.
muslims vs. confucianists
the commendable traits of each overlap at many times. muslims are a bit more strict though. it appears that confucianists aren't expected to be as subservient and live their life for God, they are more focused on improving themselves and making the world around them better and more peaceful. the severity of islam definitely trumps confucianism in every category. for instance, there is a strict code of conduct for muslims, called sharia and have a distinct religious duty called "jihad."
muslims are primarily all about following Allah and living their life for him, whereas confucianists (which also intertwine with taoism and buddhism blatantly, frequently) is more humanity-oriented.
one commonality they share is that relationships are important to both---mainly for muslims their relationship with Allah, and for confucianists, respecting their elders and their relationships with their siblings, themselves, and God as well. this also goes hand in hand with filial piety which stresses the importance of strong bonds with your family, spouse, your ruler and the people in your life in general.
both confucianism and islam include punishments---penalties are clearly stated in islam's code of conduct, AKA sharia that are validated by the koran.
as for confuciansts you are punished for certain acts too, such as disrespecting your elders. especially in a legalist system.
studying...strictly stream of consciousness
muhammad was far more political than confucius. confucius was more about peace and harmony and nature and shit, more spiritual shit whereas muhammad appeared more political. for instance, he had about 13 wives and concubines that only happened essentially for political reasons.
five pillars most crucial to muhammad and islam
three jewels (compassion humility and moderation) most crucial to confucianism themes: humanity, relationships, decorum/orderliness and shit of that nature.
confucianism triggered taoism and buddhism, all intertwined and share similar elements
whereas muhammad's islam spurred the most esoteric sufism
five pillars most crucial to muhammad and islam
three jewels (compassion humility and moderation) most crucial to confucianism themes: humanity, relationships, decorum/orderliness and shit of that nature.
confucianism triggered taoism and buddhism, all intertwined and share similar elements
whereas muhammad's islam spurred the most esoteric sufism
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
epiphany
so much damn good has come out of this year, but looking back on it all, even the excruciatingly difficult times, i feel insanely nostalgic even right now with four days left.
it hasn't hit me yet.
i'm gonna bawl my eyes out on saturday i feel like. i hope not...but i probably will.
but i didn't last year. though i did cry plenty that last week...sort of.
there's nothing to cry about though, really.
no need for nostalgia, i'll see everyone next year.
anyway, where was i?
far more good came out of this year than bad. in fact ALL good. i believe only good can eventually come out of really awful situations.
i feel like this past year was probably the hardest school year of my life, but it completely transformed me.
and looking back, i can only see the wonderful moments. it's extremely easy to glaze over the bad.
funny. very peculiar.
it hasn't hit me yet.
i'm gonna bawl my eyes out on saturday i feel like. i hope not...but i probably will.
but i didn't last year. though i did cry plenty that last week...sort of.
there's nothing to cry about though, really.
no need for nostalgia, i'll see everyone next year.
anyway, where was i?
far more good came out of this year than bad. in fact ALL good. i believe only good can eventually come out of really awful situations.
i feel like this past year was probably the hardest school year of my life, but it completely transformed me.
and looking back, i can only see the wonderful moments. it's extremely easy to glaze over the bad.
funny. very peculiar.
all i want to do is watch gone with the wind or something...anything and take a scalding hot shower and sleep. and be immensely slothful.
studying for this GHS test is an absolute nightmare.
and i've been really letting myself go...so much for working out/eating healthier. when i'm stressed, that all goes to hell.
fuck fuck fuck fuck. why are unpleasant things so much easier to think about?
you know what i hate? nothing in life is always entirely GOOD and you are never entirely CONTENT.
well i guess that goes for everyone.
but the thing about school...well this is how i know i'm not a school person by any means:
there is always something weighing me down like a piano covered in bricks at the back of my mind and in my chest...like a massive weight making it intensely difficult to take deep breaths.
and you know what?
my advisor today vocalized what i pick a bone with the most in my life, what i staunchly disagree with the most: that my grades in my classes indicate what kind of teacher i will be.
I NEARLY LAUGHED IN HER FACE.
why is the world so ludicrous?
in spite of my irksome issues and predicaments i get myself into (usually obliviously), the world is OUTRAGEOUS.
i know i certainly can be but people just don't realize what's truly important in life sometimes.
it sounds highly and disturbingly corny but: family, friends, and just going for your passions and whatnot.
nothing else!
what is wrong with me? why do i screw up so much?
do i? or am i just "misunderstood?"
well i certainly am by the whole realm of academia.
i still can't articulately vocalize what really happened in that wretched meeting earlier. all i know is that they don't like how i do things...let's be real, i march to the beat of my own damn drum and a lot of people aren't gonna like that in life. i'm an acquired taste i suppose.
even people who care about i feel have to raise their eyebrows sometimes.
well, that is okay i've realized. it's fine because i like myself EXACTLY the way i am. except for the bad things.
i'll make a list.
things i want to change about myself.
WHAT I WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF:
>i need to work harder at things that i don't necessarily enjoy. we all have to do shit we don't want to do in our lives so sometimes we need to suck it up in order to get where we wanna be. i think i get far too lost in the fact that all i want to do is write and write and write and talk celebrities and outrageous things and tell stories and do bizarre things and laugh and have a ball. life doesn't work like that.
>i need to be more organized and prudent with school materials and shit. and clothes. and things in general.
>i need to not procrastinate as much and make more/better to do lists and follow through and get shit done FASTER.
etc, etc.
studying for this GHS test is an absolute nightmare.
and i've been really letting myself go...so much for working out/eating healthier. when i'm stressed, that all goes to hell.
fuck fuck fuck fuck. why are unpleasant things so much easier to think about?
you know what i hate? nothing in life is always entirely GOOD and you are never entirely CONTENT.
well i guess that goes for everyone.
but the thing about school...well this is how i know i'm not a school person by any means:
there is always something weighing me down like a piano covered in bricks at the back of my mind and in my chest...like a massive weight making it intensely difficult to take deep breaths.
and you know what?
my advisor today vocalized what i pick a bone with the most in my life, what i staunchly disagree with the most: that my grades in my classes indicate what kind of teacher i will be.
I NEARLY LAUGHED IN HER FACE.
why is the world so ludicrous?
in spite of my irksome issues and predicaments i get myself into (usually obliviously), the world is OUTRAGEOUS.
i know i certainly can be but people just don't realize what's truly important in life sometimes.
it sounds highly and disturbingly corny but: family, friends, and just going for your passions and whatnot.
nothing else!
what is wrong with me? why do i screw up so much?
do i? or am i just "misunderstood?"
well i certainly am by the whole realm of academia.
i still can't articulately vocalize what really happened in that wretched meeting earlier. all i know is that they don't like how i do things...let's be real, i march to the beat of my own damn drum and a lot of people aren't gonna like that in life. i'm an acquired taste i suppose.
even people who care about i feel have to raise their eyebrows sometimes.
well, that is okay i've realized. it's fine because i like myself EXACTLY the way i am. except for the bad things.
i'll make a list.
things i want to change about myself.
WHAT I WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF:
>i need to work harder at things that i don't necessarily enjoy. we all have to do shit we don't want to do in our lives so sometimes we need to suck it up in order to get where we wanna be. i think i get far too lost in the fact that all i want to do is write and write and write and talk celebrities and outrageous things and tell stories and do bizarre things and laugh and have a ball. life doesn't work like that.
>i need to be more organized and prudent with school materials and shit. and clothes. and things in general.
>i need to not procrastinate as much and make more/better to do lists and follow through and get shit done FASTER.
etc, etc.
it's not a game of winning versus losing, not by any stretch of the imagination.
it's merely a matter of my number one mindset, a theme that runs consistently through my life that i believe in more than anything: i will not do anything if it's not fun.
or in terms of this, i'm one broke motherfucker. thanks to my stress eating self that buys snacks in c-club on a daily basis because fucking aramar doesn't fill my piggish ass up.
well hey it could be worse i could be spending that money on clothes and shoes and frivolous items in the mall or some shit.
well, i digress. anyway, as i learned from the buddhism/taoism unit from one of my classes, life is all about balance. do what you need to do, throw yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable if it's to make someone else happy and that's a mature maneuver.
however, tonight i came to the rapid realization, "okay i'm flat broke, it's finals time and i need to stop taking breaks to watch joan rivers and get my rear in gear a bit more." and i could practically hear my mom bellowing at me with a beet red face, "YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE GOING OUT TO DINNER RIGHT NOW!"
hey, mother knows best. so true.
the "other thing" only played a very minor role.
by the same token, i do have far too much self-worth to just keep throwing myself under the bulldozer. ESPECIALLY when there are piles of shit i need to attend to. i'm just drifting amid a massive swirl of chaos currently. will it come to a grinding halt come summer in about three days?
well, that depends on Mother Dearest.
oh and if i'm gonna get my act together.
apparently it's very much NOT together now.
i don't even know how to comment on the situation at hand at this point.
i'm just exasperated.
sophomore slump. amen to that.
it was only a miniscule portion of this semester. i didn't do anything wrong, i suppose i just could've upped my game a little bit more.
thank the Lord i'm studying abroad next year. life gets so stale...it's gonna be terrifying though. and i'm wretchedly ill-equipped.
everyone is just so much better equipped for life than me, it seems.
why is life so stagnant for the majority of the time?
well back to my earlier thought...i will not do anything if i don't think i'll get anything out of it. perhaps that's why i am so prone to just slacking off.
not caring. am i concerned regarding that meeting that happened to day?
if i were an earlier depiction of myself i'd be popping my anxiety pills and balling to myself and debating whether i should give Mom a call and all that kind of garbage.
but as of now, i'm as cool as a cucumber. i don't even give a shit about what my grades will turn out as.
it's out of my fucking control.
no one's gonna change my mind about everything.
my advisor appears very anti-study abroad, anti-me in the teaching field, etc etc etc.
it's all fucking bullshit.
shouldn't life be far less cynical than that?
they think they know what they see in me, but they don't have the foggiest notion.
all i really care about is my writing and the book i'm writing and i hope to finish this summer, and i do hope that i will.
although at home i have to write in secret although Mom barks at me that i'm wasting my time.
i can only pray this will be one of those stories where the heroine (that's me...? maybe?) proves everybody wrong.
well my friends believe in me! and actually take an immense interest in it all. because i do with them, sincerely and completely.
i was so stoic all today but of course just a bit ago a few tears were shed, no surprise there.
how was i so stoic all of today about my professor/advisor debacle/meeting/etc?
i am not sure whatsoever.
if i were my old self i would have been balling in that meeting and stuttering like a madwoman.
i did none of that.
things change so much each and every year. each year is radically different than the year prior to that. each day i reflect and think to myself, "holy fuck! how am i the way i am right now, how am i here, and what is going on," which prompts another series of questions.
i don't want to be that ambivalent, cynical asshole who doesn't give a shit about anything
that may be what i appear to be but it's quite the opposite.
plus my professors don't fucking know me.
i'll play their game, because i need not anymore trouble
but i'm still gonna stay true to myself
i'm not gonna change myself for them
i'm just gonna dredge up a few traits within me that'll satisfy them
they said "getting by" isn't enough
tragically, that's my middle name..."getting by"
i've been around the block plenty with academic failures and concerns
there has always been some glaring dilemma with me within the school environment, wherever i have been
i come out alive all the time, and get by more than okay
but it truly takes a toll on me
i think i am at the point where i'm exasperated by it, i've been shot one too many times
oh i still have plenty of confidence
i'm not changing a damn thing about myself that i like, i will only change what i don't like
and no one can tell me i can change something within me that makes me unique, etc. i don't give a fuck how many goddamn degrees they have.
fuck academia.
it's merely a matter of my number one mindset, a theme that runs consistently through my life that i believe in more than anything: i will not do anything if it's not fun.
or in terms of this, i'm one broke motherfucker. thanks to my stress eating self that buys snacks in c-club on a daily basis because fucking aramar doesn't fill my piggish ass up.
well hey it could be worse i could be spending that money on clothes and shoes and frivolous items in the mall or some shit.
well, i digress. anyway, as i learned from the buddhism/taoism unit from one of my classes, life is all about balance. do what you need to do, throw yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable if it's to make someone else happy and that's a mature maneuver.
however, tonight i came to the rapid realization, "okay i'm flat broke, it's finals time and i need to stop taking breaks to watch joan rivers and get my rear in gear a bit more." and i could practically hear my mom bellowing at me with a beet red face, "YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE GOING OUT TO DINNER RIGHT NOW!"
hey, mother knows best. so true.
the "other thing" only played a very minor role.
by the same token, i do have far too much self-worth to just keep throwing myself under the bulldozer. ESPECIALLY when there are piles of shit i need to attend to. i'm just drifting amid a massive swirl of chaos currently. will it come to a grinding halt come summer in about three days?
well, that depends on Mother Dearest.
oh and if i'm gonna get my act together.
apparently it's very much NOT together now.
i don't even know how to comment on the situation at hand at this point.
i'm just exasperated.
sophomore slump. amen to that.
it was only a miniscule portion of this semester. i didn't do anything wrong, i suppose i just could've upped my game a little bit more.
thank the Lord i'm studying abroad next year. life gets so stale...it's gonna be terrifying though. and i'm wretchedly ill-equipped.
everyone is just so much better equipped for life than me, it seems.
why is life so stagnant for the majority of the time?
well back to my earlier thought...i will not do anything if i don't think i'll get anything out of it. perhaps that's why i am so prone to just slacking off.
not caring. am i concerned regarding that meeting that happened to day?
if i were an earlier depiction of myself i'd be popping my anxiety pills and balling to myself and debating whether i should give Mom a call and all that kind of garbage.
but as of now, i'm as cool as a cucumber. i don't even give a shit about what my grades will turn out as.
it's out of my fucking control.
no one's gonna change my mind about everything.
my advisor appears very anti-study abroad, anti-me in the teaching field, etc etc etc.
it's all fucking bullshit.
shouldn't life be far less cynical than that?
they think they know what they see in me, but they don't have the foggiest notion.
all i really care about is my writing and the book i'm writing and i hope to finish this summer, and i do hope that i will.
although at home i have to write in secret although Mom barks at me that i'm wasting my time.
i can only pray this will be one of those stories where the heroine (that's me...? maybe?) proves everybody wrong.
well my friends believe in me! and actually take an immense interest in it all. because i do with them, sincerely and completely.
i was so stoic all today but of course just a bit ago a few tears were shed, no surprise there.
how was i so stoic all of today about my professor/advisor debacle/meeting/etc?
i am not sure whatsoever.
if i were my old self i would have been balling in that meeting and stuttering like a madwoman.
i did none of that.
things change so much each and every year. each year is radically different than the year prior to that. each day i reflect and think to myself, "holy fuck! how am i the way i am right now, how am i here, and what is going on," which prompts another series of questions.
i don't want to be that ambivalent, cynical asshole who doesn't give a shit about anything
that may be what i appear to be but it's quite the opposite.
plus my professors don't fucking know me.
i'll play their game, because i need not anymore trouble
but i'm still gonna stay true to myself
i'm not gonna change myself for them
i'm just gonna dredge up a few traits within me that'll satisfy them
they said "getting by" isn't enough
tragically, that's my middle name..."getting by"
i've been around the block plenty with academic failures and concerns
there has always been some glaring dilemma with me within the school environment, wherever i have been
i come out alive all the time, and get by more than okay
but it truly takes a toll on me
i think i am at the point where i'm exasperated by it, i've been shot one too many times
oh i still have plenty of confidence
i'm not changing a damn thing about myself that i like, i will only change what i don't like
and no one can tell me i can change something within me that makes me unique, etc. i don't give a fuck how many goddamn degrees they have.
fuck academia.
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