it's not a game of winning versus losing, not by any stretch of the imagination. 
it's merely a matter of my number one mindset, a theme that runs consistently through my life that i believe in more than anything: i will not do anything if it's not fun. 
or in terms of this, i'm one broke motherfucker. thanks to my stress eating self that buys snacks in c-club on a daily basis because fucking aramar doesn't fill my piggish ass up.
well hey it could be worse i could be spending that money on clothes and shoes and frivolous items in the mall or some shit. 
well, i digress. anyway, as i learned from the buddhism/taoism unit from one of my classes, life is all about balance. do what you need to do, throw yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable if it's to make someone else happy and that's a mature maneuver. 
however, tonight i came to the rapid realization, "okay i'm flat broke, it's finals time and i need to stop taking breaks to watch joan rivers and get my rear in gear a bit more." and i could practically hear my mom bellowing at me with a beet red face, "YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE GOING OUT TO DINNER RIGHT NOW!"
hey, mother knows best. so true. 
the "other thing" only played a very minor role. 
by the same token, i do have far too much self-worth to just keep throwing myself under the bulldozer. ESPECIALLY when there are piles of shit i need to attend to. i'm just drifting amid a massive swirl of chaos currently. will it come to a grinding halt come summer in about three days?
well, that depends on Mother Dearest. 
oh and if i'm gonna get my act together.
apparently it's very much NOT together now. 
i don't even know how to comment on the situation at hand at this point.
i'm just exasperated.
sophomore slump. amen to that. 
it was only a miniscule portion of this semester. i didn't do anything wrong, i suppose i just could've upped my game a little bit more.
thank the Lord i'm studying abroad next year. life gets so stale...it's gonna be terrifying though. and i'm wretchedly ill-equipped.
everyone is just so much better equipped for life than me, it seems.
why is life so stagnant for the majority of the time?
well back to my earlier thought...i will not do anything if i don't think i'll get anything out of it. perhaps that's why i am so prone to just slacking off.
not caring. am i concerned regarding that meeting that happened to day?
if i were an earlier depiction of myself i'd be popping my anxiety pills and balling to myself and debating whether i should give Mom a call and all that kind of garbage.
but as of now, i'm as cool as a cucumber. i don't even give a shit about what my grades will turn out as.
it's out of my fucking control.
no one's gonna change my mind about everything.
my advisor appears very anti-study abroad, anti-me in the teaching field, etc etc etc.
it's all fucking bullshit.
shouldn't life be far less cynical than that?
they think they know what they see in me, but they don't have the foggiest notion.
all i really care about is my writing and the book i'm writing and i hope to finish this summer, and i do hope that i will.
although at home i have to write in secret although Mom barks at me that i'm wasting my time.
i can only pray this will be one of those stories where the heroine (that's me...? maybe?) proves everybody wrong.
well my friends believe in me! and actually take an immense interest in it all. because i do with them, sincerely and completely.
i was so stoic all today but of course just a bit ago a few tears were shed, no surprise there.
how was i so stoic all of today about my professor/advisor debacle/meeting/etc?
i am not sure whatsoever.
if i were my old self i would have been balling in that meeting and stuttering like a madwoman.
i did none of that.
things change so much each and every year. each year is radically different than the year prior to that. each day i reflect and think to myself, "holy fuck! how am i the way i am right now, how am i here, and what is going on," which prompts another series of questions.
i don't want to be that ambivalent, cynical asshole who doesn't give a shit about anything
that may be what i appear to be but it's quite the opposite.
plus my professors don't fucking know me.
i'll play their game, because i need not anymore trouble
but i'm still gonna stay true to myself
i'm not gonna change myself for them
i'm just gonna dredge up a few traits within me that'll satisfy them
they said "getting by" isn't enough
tragically, that's my middle name..."getting by"
i've been around the block plenty with academic failures and concerns
there has always been some glaring dilemma with me within the school environment, wherever i have been
i come out alive all the time, and get by more than okay
but it truly takes a toll on me
i think i am at the point where i'm exasperated by it, i've been shot one too many times
oh i still have plenty of confidence
i'm not changing a damn thing about myself that i like, i will only change what i don't like
and no one can tell me i can change something within me that makes me unique, etc. i don't give a fuck how many goddamn degrees they have.
fuck academia.