My kickboxing instructor...literally the sexiest most badass girl I have ever seen in my life. Hands down.
Since I swore off pursuing any kind of relationships (given my severe cynicism) and (severe failures.)
When it comes, it will come. In the meantime I will just do what every teenage (boy) does: fantasize about certain girls! AKA my kickboxing instructor. So obsessed. She's a college graduate so it's rather intimidating but whatever, I don't get all predatory and intense as I tend to do. I merely stand back and ogle her. Whatever. It is what it is. And thoroughly bask in whenever we make eye contact. I'm probably the most eager student. All wide eyed and bushy tailed! Well who could blame me she's so damn SCULPTED! Gahhh! She makes me actually want to work out more. And consistently. And hard. 
And once I saw her working as a personal trainer. Dude if she was MY personal trainer I would try FAR TOO hard to get her touch me as much as possible. It would be a major failure. No wonder in the movies and TV and shit you see so much shit about people sleeping with their personal trainers. 'CUZ THEY'RE SMOKING HOT AS FUCK!
She seems like she'd be a wonderful dancer too. She has fantastic arms. And abs I'm sure. She sweats a lot too and I'm just thinking to myself, "Okay your shirt is drenched please take it off!" 
THREE CHEERS FOR NOT LIKING FRIENDS ANYMORE. SO DONE WITH THAT. It was miserable. I love them to death though of course, as all of my friends. =) But today, I am so much happier with myself/life/everything now that that is a massive weight off of my shoulders.
I can now get crazier much easier. Although it's only getting increasingly difficult and infuriating given that this is the reddest state ever...and thus I can't go around hitting on girls, as much as I would fucking love to.
West Hollywood...here I come in a bit over 2 years. Let's hope so.

This semi helps my writer's block

Hot people right now: lets just call them a) the Hot Ginger (who I'm not supposed to talk about vocally so I can say whatever I want here! Haha), the Kickboxing Instructor, and the New Zealand Or German International Student. Oh, and there's another Hot Ginger in one of my classes but she's not in my top three. Guess I currently got a thing for redheads! (And foreign people.) Clearly.


Winning hearts to some degree
But hard to comb like a goatee
A bit of jaded positivity
'Cuz in life there's no guarantee
Bring that hope right back to me
So I can set sail---the Seven Seas
Then right there I will be free
Hanging like a fruit from a tree
To there and back I rode the mule
Scaring away many like a ghoul

Realization: I am such an existentialist. Not a nihilist like my Mom thought I was haha.
Currently writing a poem on existentialism called "Existential State of Mind"---that's the tenative title anyway. Coming soon!

Epiphany: Albert Camus was an existentialist! I completely forgot! "The Stranger" is a fantastic, yet slightly morbid novel. It will impact you. Read it.


"What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain knowledge must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do: the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die. ... I certainly do not deny that I still recognize an imperative of knowledge and that through it one can work upon men, but it must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognize as the most important thing."

—Søren Kierkegaard

Wow my raps blow. Wretched poetry.

Brazen like a raisin in the sun

Masochistically crackling, that son of a gun

Got more than three strikes, I'm fucking done

Batter, batter out now let's just have some fun

I'm better at the art of being unattached

Once so emotional, now so detached

It's so beneficial to keep this door unlatched

If you build it, it will come

Not as quick as the puke when I sip some rum

Hitchhike to a different plane, up goes my thumb

No more gritting and bearing like I'm chomping gum

How much longer can I abstain from?

Patience is a virtue so I'll sweep my crumbs

You didn't fuck me up, don't get that satisfaction

Don't flatter yourself there's not a shred of attraction

Befuddle me with your severe reactions

Don't kid yourself, you're ambivalent

This ain't a first, there's many equivalents 

Sorry but I'm pleased with myself where I'm at

When toil called, I came straight to bat

The oddities of the commodities I gathered

Threw it all up into one sudsy lather

Rabid dog, oozing foam as I simultaneously blather

Analyze each piece like a crime scene

Call me James Dean, but I'm not cool

I'm just astute---ha, April Fool's 

Expressive vs. Dramatic? RAP.

Label me expressive not dramatic

Touch the crystal ball let me feel the static

Rather, label me nothing, I'm enigmatic

My story's highly anti-climatic

Instigate a seminar---socratic 

Question me like a convict---democratic

Say what you need, do what you will

A beer, a joint and my last pill

What a lethal combo, but we love it still

My ink is leaking, now where's my quill?

I do this all out of good will

I'm no saint, but I'm no sinner

I'm Charlie Sheen, I'm a full-blown winner

Billy J said the good die young

So when I'm old it won't be much fun

Unless I'm a filterless bad seed

I'm Catholic, but don't know the Creed

With my friend's one hitter I'll blow some trees

Under the seats, under the pews

Oh the irony, aren't you amused?

Life's a crossroads, the roads you choose

I'll be content ending up really bruised 

So don't accuse

Better scathed and out stronger

Than suffering longer

In silence, writhing in sorrow

As we should know it's always better tomorrow

MY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS (CHECK IT OUT!) I METTA GIRL DOWN AT THE DISCO...

"Some people think it's wrong/being single isn't right/But hurt the right person you'll be wrong all your life." True that Tyga and Adele. From their new song "Reminded." Sick nasty shit! Listen to it.

Purple streaks like royalty 

Tie their tongues inside of me 

Yet amid the luscious waves

Something's made the world their slave

Glitter gleams with fallacious hues

Well, okay I'm a harmless shrew

The blindness blears the venom

Then the hazards ensue

I was the ham wrapped in the bread

Every thought was squelched in my head 

But I bounced back with fire breath

Making ash like I was Death

Dripping blood, Lady Macbeth

Once was crestfallen, was that plunging star

Crisis lent a hand in making it far

Once I was a pauper, now I'm a Czar

That is the ax, I was once the wood

But I didn't get a splinter like you thought I would

Spring clean, out with the old, in with the new

Yes my mindset is askew 

Don't read in, don't misconstrue

Though I know it's hard not to

So if you want to cut me loose

Be my guest, I'm not made of glue 

'Cuz whatever occurs, I can count on my words

To act as a sedative when I'm about to burst

I'm just joking, that's in the past

History doesn't last

It's buried under like quicksand

I'll buzz about like a kazoo

Every door that I walk through

Every ambition that I pursue

Etches me perpetually like a tattoo

more laterrrrrrrr. did that sound very rap-like?

LAME

I can't believe I made an attempt to be one of those micromanagzing, self-important, workaholics who overexert themselves and are involved in approximately 900,000,000 clubs/extracurriculars/organizations/charities/etc. And the like. These are the people who firmly believe that they do not have time for anything or anyone outside of their little asinine world of meaningless drivel and useless status and elitism and equally meaningless and useless and hopeless prestige/elitism what have you. And why the fuck would you spread yourself so thin, launching yourself into things that only somewhat peak your interest---organizations that you can honestly take or leave. If you're not 110% passionate about something and have no positive, intuitive feelings for it, don't do it. Stay far away. Put all of your time, effort and DUENDE into what does matter most to you.
For me: writing and only writing.
Sure, I dabbled in the Gay/Straight Alliance/Feminist club, but I got wretched vibes from them both. I gave it an enormous shot though, I must say. But I felt INCREDIBLY OUT OF PLACE. How bizarre. 
I suppose I wasn't an activist type like I thought I was. Well not in THAT way. I write about equality and feeling misunderstood/like an underdog in a vicious, conformist society a lot in my writing. It's a major theme for me. And this is a far more interesting and engaging manner in which to get a point across as opposed to going all run of the mill waving signs in the street---as if that will help grant us gay marriage. If we want anything done, any progress made, we must think CREATIVELY.
I've realized from my failed clubs/extracurriculars experience here that there's a lot of bullshit in life one must get through in order to come across something with actual substance.
People love to put up facades of self-importance, and use dialect that makes it sound as if they are doing a lot of insanely important shit, and engaged in a lot of crucial business. I've grown to see past that---if you're alert enough you will see the subtleties that harbor the actuality. 

I love in Californication when Charlie, Hank's agent and dear friend told him once how his words "make it get real crowded in his pants." HAHAHAHAHAHA! 

Do words have the power to turn people on?
You be your own judge:

Shades of Stages

Shades of charcoal sand

Yellow-bellied lizard's a snake in the dimness 

An inky, sooty chimney 

Bleeding onto the tattered page

Cobwebs in head, a desolate attic

Punctuation thunders like bursts of bullets

Penetrating sea

Dully drifting, 'til momentum

Surges like highly caffeinated 

Bloodshot saucers

Wading in sunflowers

The safest route

Secluded, true bias must emerge

Unless demonic presence clamps

With fiery stares of an antithetic state

Fade into burgandy 

The most vivid rose

Has the sharpest thorns

The dandelions harbor the bloom

The planted conceal it very soon

Once was lost, once was green 

'Til I became a majestic weed

When drenched in loathing

One must extract

The venom that poisoned the plant

Crimson flesh sizzles like a griddle

Tumultuous storms ignite plunging pearls

Clacking upon the surface, hissing

A serpent’s tongue lashes

Propelled like a jagged arrow

Encroach upon hysteria

Toes immersed in soil 

Greenery encompassing

Drained into veins, a soothing sedative

Pills and peace, your vice

Flag waving in the nippy breeze 

It rips to shreds 

Peppering the grains

The seeds the moonlight dreads

Claws remain in Earth, awaiting blindness

Sink heels, the dampness, dewy slits 

Seize your core, with a brusque submersion

Shot from a cannon, your sole weaponry 

Darkness renders heavy heart, frail limbs

Torn expression, sordid complexion

Swirls gushing in the distance

Rabbit hole tumble, a tortured pinwheel into the haphazard, electric enigma

Devour vibrant membranes that pierce points

I want to take a long break from drinking. Perhaps till the end of the year. Just because of the aftermath of it that I have to experience. It infuriates me how all of my friends have no issues---never feel sick even though they drink more than me because they can HANDLE more. I know my limit, that's for sure, I've been around the block a few times but still that doesn't prevent me from getting sick. I have a damn sensitive stomach. It takes pretty much 24 hours after a night of unruly and chaotic partying to get my body back to normal. Do I just heal slowly?
But I mean I've learned to deal with the frustration of this body shit---I'm a pretty healthy person, I suppose.
Oh, and to get off on a tangent, emotionally speaking, if I could have one wish---well it would certainly be one of the most crucial things that could relieve me of my demons---would be if I could never feel passion for another person unless I feel the same way back. 
It's impossible though. That's the thing. Especially with me. Do I fall too easily?
It's funny---earlier my friends (two of my dearest friends who I happen to live with) and who I have happened to have had feelings for, they said to me, "You loved us," or something like that. I don't know if they were joking or not, of course. So I just shrugged---we were talking between two shower curtains I was standing under scalding hot water for a large portion of today in order to cure my hangover blues/nausea. And one of them was like, "You told me you loved me," again, who knows if she was joking or not haha. But I was like, "No I didn't!" If you were to ask me in five or ten years, "Did you love them?" I would probably  be like, "It was purely lust. It felt incredibly potent but I think it was just lust, looking back." Not to downplay it but I feel like true love is a mutual experience. Although, I mean, I suppose you could be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. 
I wish I could kill the unwanted emotions within myself. Just exterminate them like termites---one by one. Only the negative ones of course, and I would tailor the iffy ones in a proper manner. Such as passion. My passion for writing: I'll keep it, naturally. For other people? Kill it. Caring too much only gets me hurt.
Also earlier my friends asked me about the friend who I "got with" last night and they were downright stunned about it, just as I am. They planted the idea in my mind that I could date her. But I thought to myself, "Nah, that's messy." I just will not go for it. 
I am puzzled too. It was fantastic. And I want to do it again and again and again. But I do not want to utter a word about it to her, unless it's in a joking manner. Because as she said, she "prefers men." Well no shit Sherlock! 
And I don't know what to make of it. I don't get how it happened. It just happened so fast. We were...like all over each other like a fucking couple. It felt so foreign but so natural and right...well because it was with a good friend, whose gorgeous, and I don't know. I kind of feel like crying about it now---I suppose in the back of my mind I've been terrified of being attracted to this friend.
I don't know why. Now I am more so than ever. I do not want to be haunted by this.
6ish more weeks. I can make it through. I need to go gung ho. And at home, it feels more like a safer sanctuary because I never get hurt by passionate feelings like during the school year. I just have innocent crushes.
God, I don't know. I'm not a 100% self-actualized person.
All I know at the moment is that I cannot bear to be hurt again---I do not want to think about it. 
I would pick the friendship over anything else anyway. I just cannot go through this again. I can't endure anymore of this this year or EVER.
Well, I'm certainly babbling a lot here. I can't believe it's after 3. I am not hungry whatsoever. Still feel very shitty, utterly exhausted...feel asleep during one of my showers today. Yeah you read that correctly. It happened.
Now what to do tonight?
I feel insanely guilty for not going to class but I was on my deathbed. But of course it was my own doing. Fucking myself over. You know the drill.
I kind of want to just lay in bed all night. I am so fucking tired. I fell asleep at maybe 4:00 in the morning...around then, and woke up at like 6ish feeling like shit. 2 hours of sleep. Awesome. But I can't nap now because I feel too shitty. 
I feel shitty, but as I always say I reckon it was worth it. It was epic, memorable, wild. 
I feel so insanely scatterbrained now. I need some social contact. Been on my deathbed all day. Hangover from hell, per usual. And my side of the room is an utter dump. A pigsty. I need to clean. Stat. Later. Still feel shitty. I'm hoping it'll be entirely gone by 8 PM tonight, when Burlesque starts. That movie will definitely bring me back to life. I hope.

Yet another night of binge drinking 
(I apologize in advance for the severe inarticulateness of this. I am still, of course hungover and feeling like death. And it's 2 in the afternoon. It's excruciating my all day hangovers. I know of others who have to endure this bullshit too. It makes me feel foolish.)
Waking up and feeling like shit on toast yet again, at the crack of dawn, at approximately 6 in the morning, nauseous as hell, befuddled, racking your brain to figure out what the fuck kind of shenanigans you actually got into last night. 
Then as you're puking your guts out and dry heaving like all hell it all comes back to you. "Eh, not to bad. Could be worse," you tell yourself. But then again, you are still rattled. The trouble you weasel your way into when you're hammered. 
Hook up with your good friend and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, yet in the morning you frantically pray you don't begin to have feelings from her because of your night of drunken passion, a guy you have zero feelings for merely because someone keeps "helping him out with you" and you are insanely repulsed. Why did I feel deep down that I had to reward this person who had feelings for me? That's just it. I cannot think of a time where I actually legitimately heard of another having passionate feelings for me. But of course, this guy like all of them just wants sex. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy but I was a fool, as usual and led him on. Leading people on is a very dangerous deed. Avoid it at all costs.
However, let's be honest, we do it because we thrive from the attention, even in spite of it being less than ideal attention. We adore it. It is fleeting however, and just moments later seemingly you open your eyes to the brutal reality...you don't want to wake up on numerous mornings regretting the certain people you played tonsil hockey with. I do commend myself for not putting out though. I would never do that. I have a moral compass, people. Even in spite of it being questionable at times.
Do I feel guilty about last night? Eh, sure I suppose a little. It was indeed insanely fun but there's always a price to pay when you're guzzling down drinks at the speed of light, with very little self-awareness at this particular moment in time. Sure I feel idiotic, mortified, sure I judge myself to some degree, but I mean, hey it's who I am. I didn't take things too far. Above all though I just feel plain nauseous. When this finally subsides once and for all, I will be renewed again. But for now, I must be patient, do my thing, get my mind off of the disgusting feeling in my stomach and my fatigue and idiocy. I'm not gonna beat myself up. The primary thing, however, is naturally that I missed my classes. I was such a fool. I'm terrified. But school has always terrified me. Anyway, I've watched a bit of "Californication" today to get my mind off of things and it always elevates my mood. But for now, I need to get my naked ass out of my bathrobe and get dressed. And move on.

The Iniquitous Truth about JonBenet. Separating Fact from Fiction.

Like any juicy American enigma, there are countless, an incalculable number of conspiracies associated with the brutal and shocking slaying of this doomed little 6 year old girl.
I do not see her as a child beauty queen. I see her as an innocent, creative, fun-loving and spirited kindergartener, which I believe which was really who JonBenet Patricia Ramsey was. A smiling, energetic girl just exuberant about life. A normal 6 year old. That was the true beauty in this child. 
Right off the bat, I want to discount the Burke Did It theory. A 9 year old? Come on you psychos. This was clearly a premeditated murder. It was plotted meticulously I believe. Given the evidence, it was clearly not spur of the moment. 
Although let's admit, we can all agree the police investigation was disgraceful, bias, there were so many nuances and chaos and contamination of the crime scene. I truly believe we will never know who killed poor JonBenet. Justice will never be served. The evidence is long gone. Unless John speaks up, we will never know. Some secrets Patsy took to her grave, however. Leave Burke alone though. But it still makes me wonder, what does he know? I'll bet his parents deceive him as well. Because I mean if I found out my parents murdered one of my brothers I would get their asses thrown in prison for life.
There is a theory I found on this website called Conspiracy Planet that JonBenet was a sacrifice to Satan by her demonic parents.
I 100% concur with this statement. It sounds asinine but there is an insane amount of evidence that supports the claim that it was a ritualistic slaying.
Before I get into more evidence that proves Patsy and John did it, let me convince you of how it was a Satanic, child pornographic, and sexual sadist act. The poor child was garroted, strangled, and sexually assaulted. What more information does one need? These instances are most commonly seen in sadomasochism between both homosexual and heterosexual adults.
Moreover, research has shown that John's company that he made mucho dolares from, Access Graphics, a computer company, had child pornography hidden away on many of the computers in the offices.
Patsy and John referred to JonBenet as a "sex kitten." Abnormal.
Patsy bleached the 6 year old's hair blonde for many years. Again, completely abnormal.
There was a child porn ring being run out of Denver at the time. 
There was ritualistic sexual abuse inflicted upon JonBenet. Her hymen was broken. Her vagina was two inches wider than most girls her age. And the walls of her insides were scarred. These are signs of consistent, frequent sexual abuse. 
John's daughter from his first marriage, Elizabeth revealed a heap of memories regarding Satanic, ritual sexual abuse about a failed suicide attempt in which HER DAD, JOHN played a major role in the rituals.
She revealed this all to family and friends and then was killed in a freak car accident at the age of 22, which has yet to be resolved fully. Another head scratcher. 
JonBenet complained to Patsy about discomfort in her "private place" about two months before her murder. Beginning about two weeks before her death, she began to speak of frightening people sporting black robes who gathered around her and stuck "things" in her private place. She spoke of the pain of these objects in her and of darkness and candles. Was there more than one person involved in this? Fleet White? Because PEOPLE IS PLURAL. There is indeed a bit of evidence indicating that Fleet White acted extremely strangely throughout the aftermath of JonBenet's murder.
The Ramseys had the DA and many others in their pocket at this time---and always. Hence they got away with murder and there is still no justice for this precious little girl. These people who conspired with John and Patsy are just as despicable as they are.
Both Denver and Boulder are enormous Satanic centers.
As extracted from Conspiracy Planet: Both Denver and "Boulder, Colorado, are major Satanic centers whose activities have, at various times been under investigation by Jefferson and Denver county authorities as well as the FBI and others. A witness of these activities came fourth and gave testimony of two crack babies that were first taken from their parents and given to foster parents. 
Later they were taken from the foster parents by Denver SOCIAL SERVICES after the husband was murdered in very strange circumstances and were given to a single woman who had turned up out of nowhere after the murder and offered to be a  nanny to the children. The witness claims watching the ritual sacrifice of both babies, twins, on Halloween, in a sequestered area in the Mountains outside of Boulder with the Ramsey's, the Ramsey's close, wealthy friend and associate (her controller), DA Alex Hunter, Lt. Governor Gail Shoettler, Lou Smith and several others 'very high up' in Colorado politics, linked directly to the Governor's office, being present."

The coroner and investigator, Dr. Wecht said that all of the evidence of JonBenet's murder proves that constant sexual abuse from Patsy and John was evident. 

"The Last Bulb of the Christmas Tree": a Satanic, sacrificial ritual created by Josef Mengele, the Angel of Death that occurred at Christmas time---JonBenet was murdered Christmas night. 

A brotherhood term for the devil is: JonBet. Which naturally, closely resembles JonBenet. Coincidence? I think not. Chilling.

There is some evidence that indicates friends of the Ramseys were involved in kiddie porn and child porn/sex rings as well. The Whites? I think so. Possibly. But maybe not, since they have been estranged from the Ramseys since JonBenet's death.

So much crucial evidence has been brutally disregarded for years by the Boulder Justice System, and just the law enforcements in general. 

Search warrants unveiled nude photos of the Ramsey children---and not baby pictures.

So much more. Stay tuned.

Oddities: Ramseys

>Practically immediately after the JonBenet murder spread like wildfire in the media, Patsy and John instantly hired an attorney, investigators AND a fucking publicist. Sounds like they fed off of the attention---true famewhores in the worst possible sense. Naturally.
>Paradoxically, at the same time they worked pretty damn hard to keep the negative limelight as far away from them as possible.
>They are highly difficult in cooperating with police in terms of polygraph testing and interviews. For instance, they demand to be interviewed together as opposed to separately which is the appropriate manner and requirement with the police. It's standard procedure.
>But...the Ramseys had money. And loads of influence. So they could make things happen with this money and power. What a vindictive, corrupt, and crooked world we live in.
When will this poor little girl be able to rest in peace?! It's been over 14 years! I will always be appalled by this case and absolutely floored every time it emerges in the forefront of my mind. It's so insanely cryptic. There are so many inconsistencies that make no sense whatsoever. That only can mean: pure shadiness.  Dishonesty. Deception. It must be. Anything else would be inexplicable as to why it's all so inexplicable.
>Experts indicate that John definitely did not write the note but it's very, very, very dubious with Patsy. And thus allegedly "inconclusive." Please. We know what this means. Any half-wit can draw the conclusion here.
>The best friend of the Ramseys, Fleet White, could he be guilty? Yes, definitely. More to come. There are so many options.