Really and truly.
And a lot of people are absolute phonies.
Sometimes my cynical tells me you would get far less hurt as a loner, an outsider, a pariah, but then you wouldn't LOVE, and that would eat you alive.
As they say, it's better to love and get hurt then to never love at all! One of the corniest lines on Earth, but it's because it's TRUE.
I don't ENTIRELY believe in going through life not trusting a soul but it would truly make things easier. But I trust most of the people in my life. Why would I let them in my life if I can't trust them I know?
We all screw up, but things always blow over.
Once the dust settles, we can find solace again. At certain points it may sound absurd and insurmountable but we manage to do so.
Sometimes we box ourselves in so much that we think that the here and now is how it is going to be in our lives forevermore, but project into the future for a bit. It would behoove you to do so. Certain bizarre instances in life make you feel completely and utterly unappreciated even though you are a hell of a lot more appreciated by someone than another certain soul. You are just unable to see it.
You feel misunderstood. Like a misfit.
For instance, someone whose chasing after something that is dreadfully unrealistic and believe it or not, detrimental. You can even feel it to, but you won't admit it to yourself.
You've got tunnel vision, my friend.
For instance, last year I was infatuated with this girl who was an RA in my building. My friends told me to watch out. No one was fond of her. She was bad news. Long story short, I disregarded it and gave it a shot. So we started hanging out, she BOUGHT me food and stuff and she was bi---that was word on the street, and she said so herself but when I told her I liked her she flipped a shit and totally cut me out of her life.
I was heartbroken. But I had to admit to myself, I felt a gut instinct that it would fall to pieces eventually. Then I unveiled more info about her and it was revealed to me that she was kind of a crazy. I empathized with her, sympathized but was relieved and genuinely glad soon enough that I didn't have to associate with her anymore.
Guess I dodged a bullet I told a friend one day.
On a somewhat similar note, my therapist told me (and has told me repeatedly) that she believes I feel very misunderstood and unappreciated.
I said: "Yeah I guess, but I don't know why."
She asked if it had to do with my sexuality and I said "No it's not even that, but yeah that makes me feel different of course."
But it's deep-rooted in my household at home. I mean I'm the object of ridicule there, and well, at school too. I usually don't mind here at school but when I'm constantly patronized by my YOUNGER brothers and mom it's not okay. My dad somehow always sticks up for me. Which is rather refreshing. I'm not having a pity party, I assure you but I mean, someday I just want to do something that my friends can be very IMPRESSED with. I KNOW I can!
I have to make a name for myself. And I will.
They have definitely taken an interest, that's why I love them! Haha.
I don't know though I think about it a lot and I guess I kind of make myself into the "joker", the jester if you will with everyone. Because I'm rarely serious and I'm kind of ditzy. But I don't try to be. And I say and do outrageous things. I've been called a "character" many times.
I certainly don't try to be.
But then again, I don't want to JUST be the one everyone laughs at. I want to be far more profound. I am truly multidimensional, an onion with many layers. Like all of us.
But I suppose I've just felt highly underestimated. Just in life in general. For quite awhile. Even my Mom has admitted on some rare occasions that she underestimated me. Many have. I'm smarter than most people think. Take my word on it.
I'm not bitter in the least. Earlier this year I've decided not to hate anyone and let all grudges wither away and disappear into oblivion. It's far too difficult and burdensome to carry that weight around with you for the rest of your life. So I've freed myself from contempt.
Basically, what I usually think: hate me, hate my writing even but RESPECT my writing. You may not get it but that's YOUR insufficient amount of philosophical thought. It's all open to interpretation, like all things are. And as they say, perception is reality.
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