I want to take a long break from drinking. Perhaps till the end of the year. Just because of the aftermath of it that I have to experience. It infuriates me how all of my friends have no issues---never feel sick even though they drink more than me because they can HANDLE more. I know my limit, that's for sure, I've been around the block a few times but still that doesn't prevent me from getting sick. I have a damn sensitive stomach. It takes pretty much 24 hours after a night of unruly and chaotic partying to get my body back to normal. Do I just heal slowly?
But I mean I've learned to deal with the frustration of this body shit---I'm a pretty healthy person, I suppose.
Oh, and to get off on a tangent, emotionally speaking, if I could have one wish---well it would certainly be one of the most crucial things that could relieve me of my demons---would be if I could never feel passion for another person unless I feel the same way back. 
It's impossible though. That's the thing. Especially with me. Do I fall too easily?
It's funny---earlier my friends (two of my dearest friends who I happen to live with) and who I have happened to have had feelings for, they said to me, "You loved us," or something like that. I don't know if they were joking or not, of course. So I just shrugged---we were talking between two shower curtains I was standing under scalding hot water for a large portion of today in order to cure my hangover blues/nausea. And one of them was like, "You told me you loved me," again, who knows if she was joking or not haha. But I was like, "No I didn't!" If you were to ask me in five or ten years, "Did you love them?" I would probably  be like, "It was purely lust. It felt incredibly potent but I think it was just lust, looking back." Not to downplay it but I feel like true love is a mutual experience. Although, I mean, I suppose you could be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. 
I wish I could kill the unwanted emotions within myself. Just exterminate them like termites---one by one. Only the negative ones of course, and I would tailor the iffy ones in a proper manner. Such as passion. My passion for writing: I'll keep it, naturally. For other people? Kill it. Caring too much only gets me hurt.
Also earlier my friends asked me about the friend who I "got with" last night and they were downright stunned about it, just as I am. They planted the idea in my mind that I could date her. But I thought to myself, "Nah, that's messy." I just will not go for it. 
I am puzzled too. It was fantastic. And I want to do it again and again and again. But I do not want to utter a word about it to her, unless it's in a joking manner. Because as she said, she "prefers men." Well no shit Sherlock! 
And I don't know what to make of it. I don't get how it happened. It just happened so fast. We were...like all over each other like a fucking couple. It felt so foreign but so natural and right...well because it was with a good friend, whose gorgeous, and I don't know. I kind of feel like crying about it now---I suppose in the back of my mind I've been terrified of being attracted to this friend.
I don't know why. Now I am more so than ever. I do not want to be haunted by this.
6ish more weeks. I can make it through. I need to go gung ho. And at home, it feels more like a safer sanctuary because I never get hurt by passionate feelings like during the school year. I just have innocent crushes.
God, I don't know. I'm not a 100% self-actualized person.
All I know at the moment is that I cannot bear to be hurt again---I do not want to think about it. 
I would pick the friendship over anything else anyway. I just cannot go through this again. I can't endure anymore of this this year or EVER.
Well, I'm certainly babbling a lot here. I can't believe it's after 3. I am not hungry whatsoever. Still feel very shitty, utterly exhausted...feel asleep during one of my showers today. Yeah you read that correctly. It happened.
Now what to do tonight?
I feel insanely guilty for not going to class but I was on my deathbed. But of course it was my own doing. Fucking myself over. You know the drill.
I kind of want to just lay in bed all night. I am so fucking tired. I fell asleep at maybe 4:00 in the morning...around then, and woke up at like 6ish feeling like shit. 2 hours of sleep. Awesome. But I can't nap now because I feel too shitty. 
I feel shitty, but as I always say I reckon it was worth it. It was epic, memorable, wild. 
I feel so insanely scatterbrained now. I need some social contact. Been on my deathbed all day. Hangover from hell, per usual. And my side of the room is an utter dump. A pigsty. I need to clean. Stat. Later. Still feel shitty. I'm hoping it'll be entirely gone by 8 PM tonight, when Burlesque starts. That movie will definitely bring me back to life. I hope.