I'm simply, or rather not so simply, in the process of conquering This. And by God, I most certainly am. I seem to be the only one who is aware of how much stronger I've gotten and how far I've come but that's okay but I know what's true! I've taken noticeable strides.
I've been great for quite awhile now. Oddly hopeful and shit and just chill and cool as a cucumber, nothing could get my goat. A couple weeks ago on a Friday I had a weird anxiety moment though. Very minor though. I was proud of myself. I got sick though, but I did have Mexican food that night and it wasn't the best. Fucking disaster.
Whatever then I had an utterly fantastic weekend but then had a brief Debbie Downer moment Saturday night due to my so-called "lady friend" basically backhand complimenting me, insulting me then subtly saying she wants nothing to do with me..."But we can be friends!" she insisted. Whatever. No thanks, I'm not gonna be patronized.
It just wasn't meant to work out. But she made me feel bad about myself. No I'm not being too sensitive. If someone's gonna treat me as if I'm some bizarre space alien who is overwhelming, too intense and some idea of a sick, twisted joke then SOD OFF! That's all I say. I wasn't gonna change for that chick. Hell no.
Not gonna change for ANYONE! No one should. Word of advice to the world: don't change for anyone, and if they don't like it then FUCK THEM. You don't want them associating with you anyway. Only surround people who like your little idiosyncrasies. Not people who merely tolerate them. That's what I did. Everyone in my life just likes me for who I am and I like THEM for how they are, that's all there is to it. I wouldn't want them any other way---I like people who have a few screws loose and have bizarre tendencies. I've embraced MINE long ago as well.
Anyway, I digress. Where was I?
Well that attempt at a lady friend was very taken aback and appalled about my boldness. Okay fine. Maybe there's a woman out there who won't be.
Anyway so this past Saturday afternoon she was upset and I just said, "Can we drop it please? Let's just go our separate ways then." I said something to that effect. I was very polite and let it go. I truly did. It's been getting easier to let things go. Most things.
Anyway, then she said "Consider it dropped =)" Okay, whatever that means. Then I got rid of her from my phonebook. This is so unfortunate because it still saddens me immensely. I am still attracted to her and I'm extremely puzzled and frustrated because she said she was definitely attracted/into me.
But it wasn't meant to be. Yet again. Of course.
Forgive me for sounding bitter and cynical, but I am.
I work hard to be optimistic though. I mean it is what it is right?
Things are indeed better on the whole.
Then this afternoon I had another brief shitty moment, shall we say. I'm MUCH better now but I took a power nap so that definitely helped. I'm still trying to recover from my sleepless weekend. Ouch.
I have made immense progress. How do I know this? Well, foremost I can talk about him with her and truly be okay most of the time! I've come around. There's nothing to dislike about him. She will never pick a bad apple.
Well, things are looking up overall. I DO believe this. I don't want to be a burden though, I know the ways I handle it are bizarre but there is a method to my madness.
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