I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
Emotions have run amuck this year for me.
No matter what, I know the truth I have learned a lot and HAVE indeed grown much more thick-skinned and wiser. It's true.
Yes I will always have regrets in my life, I believe it's bullshit when people say they have no regrets.
It's inevitable to feel remorse.
Remorse will overpower you, but no matter what, there will always be the chance of you overcoming it.
As Helen Keller famously said, "The world is full of suffering, but it is also full of overcoming it."
I know my problems may appear petty but this past year, I know at least one person close to me agrees, because she told me, "You've been through a lot of shit this year."
I don't feel sorry for myself. Yeah I feel sad at times but I'm not gonna have a pity party. Because I know someday it will be nothing but a distant, absurd, long-forgotten memory. Truly.
Most of the time I do indeed feel it is indeed all very ludicrous.
There are ups and downs. It can be like a roller coaster. But very mildly.
Anyway, I've been obsessed with researching cases such as the JonBenet case as well as the Elizabeth Smart case and I am eternally grateful for my life.
I am thankful to be alive and to experience so much each day in the world, to keenly observe everything that some may perceive to be inconsequential. There is a lot to view and take in.
My problems may be exceptionally petty and laughable on the larger scale, yet I do not feel the least bit guilty about my emotions from them.
Everyone's reactions to things that hurt and destroy them are warranted as far as I'm concerned. As long as you're not hurting anyone else.
I don't like when things make me feel depressed and dark and dismal, yet it's going to happen. I will NEVER take it out on anyone else, though in the past I'm sure I have plenty of times, especially with my family, but we all do that.
However, I believe venting is vital. I've learned to know when to shut my mouth though and reel it in and cope with it in solitude in my own way that doesn't disturb others. Because after all, everyone has their own problems.
I am not an absurd person. I have strong emotions and I am a very sensitive person, but I am also very strong.
I never thought that this time around having feelings for someone I'm very close to could effect me this much. Part of my emotions I think is fear that a) It'll never go away and b) Why the fuck has it gone on this long?
It may seem trivial and ludicrous because of how profoundly and deeply it has effected me but I have made massive strides.
I just need to keep reminding myself of this to be encouraged, because it's the truth.
I can only work on focusing on just doing my thing and salvage what little patience I have within me in order to continue to let the process unravel naturally.
I will get there.
At times I wonder why on Earth my friends put up with me. I almost keep waiting for them to smack my high-maintenance away from them and say, "Scat! For good!" But I know that'll never happen. I think they all know how hard I'm trying. There's nothing anyone can do. It's not anyone's fault.
They're all been so good to me. I've been a mess this year, on the whole. Despite all of the wonderful times, I've been a lunatic and a troublemaker. I've been notorious.
But I don't feel guilty for this last thing I'm continuing to battle. I shouldn't. You can't help feelings and emotions, you can only help how you cope with them. And I believe I am doing everything right.
I write, I don't discuss unless I'm asked, but I firmly believe no one should fret about me. I am fine, and I'm going to be even better when I beat this. It's like a disease, that I'm working to rid my body of. I never in a billion years expected this to happen when I came back to school this past fall.
Never crossed my mind. If one were to predict this to me I would have cackled wildly.
Utilizing humor to deal with tricky situations is a foolproof method I believe. That goes for anything, people.
I will be laughing at this I believe by next year, thinking how foolish I was.
Everyone has to get over things eventually. I've gotten over everything I never thought I would have cleansed myself of in the past, after all.
Staying hopeful and moving onward..."Teen Mom" time y'alls!
Just the rejection of my "lady friend" honestly just made this situation worse. Temporary though. It's inexplicable but a lot of things in my life I don't understand. I just move onward. That's all we can do right?
No comments:
Post a Comment