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Friday, April 29, 2011
maya angelou
Okay, maybe it's just the lack of sleep this week for me, or it's the shitty, whirlwind riddled with countless instances of bad luck but seriously this one guy my friend keeps stringing along is trying my fucking patience.
Like...what I get out of it is that he's fucking clingy. For some God-for-saken reason this truly just sparked a burst of ire within me. And later on I'll probably realize it was probably an infinite number of things gone wrong (that are continuing to go wrong.) Each one fucking catalyzes another.
Will I be less stressed when it's all over? Certainly. But still...then I have to deal with the tedium that descends one into madness, which is summer in a nutshell, but the fact that I'm starting a new job is incredibly exciting. Fresh start. Turning over a new leaf. All that nonsense! And this country club is not intense whatsoever with their fucking pool policies like that goddamn park district I worked for...public pool. 'Nuff said.
So perhaps it will be eventful after all.
Anyway this boy toy of my friend's is fucking getting on my nerves. I introduced myself to him when I was drunk at one point then I was like "I like you, you're nice!" or something wretchedly articulate like that.
And then after that, even when inebriated I got a highly potent creeper vibe from him---his undertone was basically: I need to get into her pants. My friend's, not mine. He actually blatantly implied she should take her clothes off.
I mean seriously? Fucking scuzzball.
I love when guys are so evidently creepy and can totally get away with it and if girls slip even ONCE (like I have in the past) they will get entirely penalized and diced into a trillion little pieces.
Anyway, he is not the fucking cat's pajamas. She totally doesn't get the whole chicks before dicks ubiquitous philosophy. Let me just put it that way. And before I get any bitchier I'm gonna stop, take a nap and come back later.
Like...what I get out of it is that he's fucking clingy. For some God-for-saken reason this truly just sparked a burst of ire within me. And later on I'll probably realize it was probably an infinite number of things gone wrong (that are continuing to go wrong.) Each one fucking catalyzes another.
Will I be less stressed when it's all over? Certainly. But still...then I have to deal with the tedium that descends one into madness, which is summer in a nutshell, but the fact that I'm starting a new job is incredibly exciting. Fresh start. Turning over a new leaf. All that nonsense! And this country club is not intense whatsoever with their fucking pool policies like that goddamn park district I worked for...public pool. 'Nuff said.
So perhaps it will be eventful after all.
Anyway this boy toy of my friend's is fucking getting on my nerves. I introduced myself to him when I was drunk at one point then I was like "I like you, you're nice!" or something wretchedly articulate like that.
And then after that, even when inebriated I got a highly potent creeper vibe from him---his undertone was basically: I need to get into her pants. My friend's, not mine. He actually blatantly implied she should take her clothes off.
I mean seriously? Fucking scuzzball.
I love when guys are so evidently creepy and can totally get away with it and if girls slip even ONCE (like I have in the past) they will get entirely penalized and diced into a trillion little pieces.
Anyway, he is not the fucking cat's pajamas. She totally doesn't get the whole chicks before dicks ubiquitous philosophy. Let me just put it that way. And before I get any bitchier I'm gonna stop, take a nap and come back later.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Epiphany that's not really an epiphany: I am not a good student. Never have been. Not any way you look at it. I'm not your classic, stereotypical out of control, Dennis the Menace-esque fool who eggs the teachers cars and cheats on tests and doesn't do homework. I have my own formula of not-doing-school-well, actually.
I was very well-behaved in the classroom in elementary school...well for the most part. I was spacey as hell (some things never change) and bombed my way through Math and Science classes but hey, again some things never change.
In middle school I was fairly wild. I did wonderfully in Language Arts and Social Studies and was an angel child in those classes. In all of the other classes, I was not okay. I was el diablo. In Science in 8th grade, for instance, my teacher Mrs. Gallo a portly woman with magnifying glasses for spectacles and a withering stare as sharp and intimidating as all hell. Well, she put me next to some girl in that class who I had a bit too much fun with. We befriended each other, and we were far too similar so we screwed around 24/7. I wasn't about to pay attention in some class that I was utterly uninterested in and could care less about. We sure had fun though. But damn were we LOUD! We were virtually banshees. So, she hit the room and moved me to the other side of the room. Quiet girl in class gone NAUGHTY! I was complex I suppose haha.
And I started cutting class in middle school too...got caught of course. With my luck.
But my grades were pretty all right (that's dreadful English) in middle school. I was a fairly good student. Not great.
Then high school came and I just barely got by. I was purely an average student---on the whole. Below average in most classes...except for English. Even History was kicking my ass. In AP Gov I got a D on my paper when she referred to my writing as "(myname)Speak." Not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. I was outraged. I worked my ASS off on that paper. And the teacher was SUPER HOT! Then I started to despise her because I totally felt so confident with the material I felt like I knew what I was talking about. But she made me feel stupid. That's another thing. I had a slew of god-awful teacher who sculpted me into a massively self-loathing, cynical indifferent student.
And of course as the high school years winded down me and my good friend would smoke and drink outside on lunch breaks...and I made a "statement" sophomore year when I just stopped doing anything and claimed it was because I was proving grades mean nothing.
I still firmly believe in this philosophy. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work hard though. I definitely work my ass off...at things I love. And work enough to get by in what I don't love. I do try that's for sure in every class. But I think grades are a fucking crock. Academics truly is. That's why I'm gonna be a teacher. I'm gonna turn it over on its ear. When I find my success, which I will in some way, shape or form I will be able to say "Look kids! You don't need straight fucking As to get along fine in life!" etc, etc. It's so true though. Don't get me wrong though I was such a fool throughout the years and college has been infinitely more difficult than high school due to countless predicaments and barriers that have arisen but I can only hope I get out of it okay/alive with a GPA that won't send my Mom through the roof. And that won't make me feel guilty as hell that they paid for my college tuition.
School has been the bane of my existence for my entire life and has been like a fire rising from the Earth that keeps me repeatedly bounding into the air to latch onto a dangling tree branch.
I am almost done though...with all of this shit. That's why I yearn for the real world. No fucking grades. No GPA that haunts me and makes me feel worthless. That does NOT define me whatsoever!
I was very well-behaved in the classroom in elementary school...well for the most part. I was spacey as hell (some things never change) and bombed my way through Math and Science classes but hey, again some things never change.
In middle school I was fairly wild. I did wonderfully in Language Arts and Social Studies and was an angel child in those classes. In all of the other classes, I was not okay. I was el diablo. In Science in 8th grade, for instance, my teacher Mrs. Gallo a portly woman with magnifying glasses for spectacles and a withering stare as sharp and intimidating as all hell. Well, she put me next to some girl in that class who I had a bit too much fun with. We befriended each other, and we were far too similar so we screwed around 24/7. I wasn't about to pay attention in some class that I was utterly uninterested in and could care less about. We sure had fun though. But damn were we LOUD! We were virtually banshees. So, she hit the room and moved me to the other side of the room. Quiet girl in class gone NAUGHTY! I was complex I suppose haha.
And I started cutting class in middle school too...got caught of course. With my luck.
But my grades were pretty all right (that's dreadful English) in middle school. I was a fairly good student. Not great.
Then high school came and I just barely got by. I was purely an average student---on the whole. Below average in most classes...except for English. Even History was kicking my ass. In AP Gov I got a D on my paper when she referred to my writing as "(myname)Speak." Not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. I was outraged. I worked my ASS off on that paper. And the teacher was SUPER HOT! Then I started to despise her because I totally felt so confident with the material I felt like I knew what I was talking about. But she made me feel stupid. That's another thing. I had a slew of god-awful teacher who sculpted me into a massively self-loathing, cynical indifferent student.
And of course as the high school years winded down me and my good friend would smoke and drink outside on lunch breaks...and I made a "statement" sophomore year when I just stopped doing anything and claimed it was because I was proving grades mean nothing.
I still firmly believe in this philosophy. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work hard though. I definitely work my ass off...at things I love. And work enough to get by in what I don't love. I do try that's for sure in every class. But I think grades are a fucking crock. Academics truly is. That's why I'm gonna be a teacher. I'm gonna turn it over on its ear. When I find my success, which I will in some way, shape or form I will be able to say "Look kids! You don't need straight fucking As to get along fine in life!" etc, etc. It's so true though. Don't get me wrong though I was such a fool throughout the years and college has been infinitely more difficult than high school due to countless predicaments and barriers that have arisen but I can only hope I get out of it okay/alive with a GPA that won't send my Mom through the roof. And that won't make me feel guilty as hell that they paid for my college tuition.
School has been the bane of my existence for my entire life and has been like a fire rising from the Earth that keeps me repeatedly bounding into the air to latch onto a dangling tree branch.
I am almost done though...with all of this shit. That's why I yearn for the real world. No fucking grades. No GPA that haunts me and makes me feel worthless. That does NOT define me whatsoever!
I'm so damn exasperated. It's not from working out a lot, because it's mental, emotional. I don't even really care that much about Hot Gym Girl anymore...I'm just kind of feeling very ambivalent about that and most certainly about Ginger Dancer I'll call her haha. Maybe I'm finally learning to not develop feelings for straight girls. That would be marvelous.
I'm so effing DONE with school and grades and bullshit. Essentially only like one more year of that fucking bullshit since senior year=student teaching and thus, doesn't exactly count. I cannot believe it. I am SO not a school person. I'm just not. I never quite got the hang of it in my 17 years or so of formal school...more or less. You do the math!
College proved to be much harder than high school. I don't know why. It's fucked up. I haven't the foggiest clue what my grades are this semester...none of them post them up, but I never bothered to ask, I was too busy catching up with all of the assignments flung at me.
The only good thing about summer is: no school. Eh I kid I'm taking two classes this summer...well hopefully so I can fucking not stay another fucking year at school. GAHHH!
Where am I going with my life? There is far too much pressure in college. More than high school? Probably 'cuz the terrifying real world is just right around the fucking corner.
But you can only take it one step at a time right...no projecting into the future. Go with the flow!
I'm so effing DONE with school and grades and bullshit. Essentially only like one more year of that fucking bullshit since senior year=student teaching and thus, doesn't exactly count. I cannot believe it. I am SO not a school person. I'm just not. I never quite got the hang of it in my 17 years or so of formal school...more or less. You do the math!
College proved to be much harder than high school. I don't know why. It's fucked up. I haven't the foggiest clue what my grades are this semester...none of them post them up, but I never bothered to ask, I was too busy catching up with all of the assignments flung at me.
The only good thing about summer is: no school. Eh I kid I'm taking two classes this summer...well hopefully so I can fucking not stay another fucking year at school. GAHHH!
Where am I going with my life? There is far too much pressure in college. More than high school? Probably 'cuz the terrifying real world is just right around the fucking corner.
But you can only take it one step at a time right...no projecting into the future. Go with the flow!
I'm so glad I went to my therapy appointment today. But I'm shocked and saddened that she's not going to be coming back next year. I'm definitely grown emotionally attached to my therapist---she may not be the most helpful person in the world, but she's so compassionate and caring and does make really great points sometimes. She helped me get through a lot of shit, and helped me to come out of it all so much stronger and with flying colors.
This is why I wish I could never get attached to anyone, 'cuz they always just end up leaving or vanishing. Well not always, but so often.
Now I'm kicking myself that I hadn't gone for a few weeks and just came back today.
And now (for the third time in a row) a professor wants to meet with me without really saying why. I assume it's because of that write up I did awhile back that he wanted to ask about. He asked on the paper, "What were you reading?" I did not do anything wrong and that's a fact. I merely used this website that assisted me that I was perusing that I found interesting---it was a website about World Religions in general and I found a section of Hadiths and I picked out a couple that truly struck a chord with me and quoted them in my write up. I used quotations and said where I found them and all. Then interpreted them in my own unique way.
I don't understand. I am going to be very charming and frank and well after all the meetings with my English professor and advisor that they requested ended up going rather wonderfully, and I totally made it out of them alive.
I just hate not knowing. I don't need this suspense. I pray I make it out alive this year with grades I am content with and a sane mindset.
This is why I wish I could never get attached to anyone, 'cuz they always just end up leaving or vanishing. Well not always, but so often.
Now I'm kicking myself that I hadn't gone for a few weeks and just came back today.
And now (for the third time in a row) a professor wants to meet with me without really saying why. I assume it's because of that write up I did awhile back that he wanted to ask about. He asked on the paper, "What were you reading?" I did not do anything wrong and that's a fact. I merely used this website that assisted me that I was perusing that I found interesting---it was a website about World Religions in general and I found a section of Hadiths and I picked out a couple that truly struck a chord with me and quoted them in my write up. I used quotations and said where I found them and all. Then interpreted them in my own unique way.
I don't understand. I am going to be very charming and frank and well after all the meetings with my English professor and advisor that they requested ended up going rather wonderfully, and I totally made it out of them alive.
I just hate not knowing. I don't need this suspense. I pray I make it out alive this year with grades I am content with and a sane mindset.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
If I could write them all a letter now I would say...
this is wretchedly unfortunate, but it's none of our faults.
things will definitely change very soon. as of now i will stick it out.
i miss my friends though =( i feel like on the whole, this semester i did not see much of them---as much as in the past. maybe that's just me but i don't want to vanish.
i don't want to be that kind of person.
i'm not though. i'm always gonna be here, unless i die or something.
i need to stop being emo and focus on the positive. because there is so much of that.
there has been so many FANTASTIC moments this semester. i just don't know though. emotions run wild.
do they all feel something similar to what i do to some extent?
i started writing a letter earlier actually.
an elephant in the room can destroy you.
this is wretchedly unfortunate, but it's none of our faults.
things will definitely change very soon. as of now i will stick it out.
i miss my friends though =( i feel like on the whole, this semester i did not see much of them---as much as in the past. maybe that's just me but i don't want to vanish.
i don't want to be that kind of person.
i'm not though. i'm always gonna be here, unless i die or something.
i need to stop being emo and focus on the positive. because there is so much of that.
there has been so many FANTASTIC moments this semester. i just don't know though. emotions run wild.
do they all feel something similar to what i do to some extent?
i started writing a letter earlier actually.
an elephant in the room can destroy you.
It's just all hurting me so much right now. I feel like I NEVER see my cousin now. My friend mentioned that to me that I rarely see her (it NEVER used to be like that) and it's true. I only get to hang out with her like Wednesdays for kickboxing. I miss her, I wonder if she misses me. I rarely even get to see my roommate and suitemate =( I just feel like things are getting worse and worse and even though there's only like two weeks left (less than that.) Something tonight just solidified all of this sadness for me.
I realized I do not see them as much as I used to...not even close. And it hurts really badly. Things have changed so much in this way, and not in a good way. It's very unsettling. I have other friends obviously and I love them all to death as well, but to just suddenly not see a few of your other good friends for no apparent reason that is good just hurts me so much.
The worst thing is I don't know if I'm reacting well...I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm just doing my own thing, trying my best to avoid uneasiness and shit and grin and bear it the last two weeks.
This scared the shit out of me. I truly realized tonight how this has been so painful for me. No one knows it, because I don't bring it up.
I feel like I'm a completely separate entity on a whole different plane...unsure of what my next move will be. Just praying that I make it out alive.
I have so many questions.
I am glad I'm going to my therapist tomorrow.
Right now I feel like a worthless piece of dirt.
I cannot seem to shake that feeling. This feeling of being an outcast. A pariah.
Why do I have to be the one to wither away? Why does it have to be like that? Why is it like that? Why is it assumed that that way is the way it is?
It is odd that I never talk about it. I can't though.
Is it irrational and inexplicable that I feel like pain?
I'm entitled to it. I am not having a pity party. I just feel so lost and alone right now because of this situation, and now other unpleasant situations from the past are arising and haunting me.
I wish I could release myself from the unpleasantness.
I'll never know what's going on. This summer should be very serene. I hope so. An entirely different world altogether.
I will write until I get carpal tunnel.
And try not to be sad.
I realized I do not see them as much as I used to...not even close. And it hurts really badly. Things have changed so much in this way, and not in a good way. It's very unsettling. I have other friends obviously and I love them all to death as well, but to just suddenly not see a few of your other good friends for no apparent reason that is good just hurts me so much.
The worst thing is I don't know if I'm reacting well...I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm just doing my own thing, trying my best to avoid uneasiness and shit and grin and bear it the last two weeks.
This scared the shit out of me. I truly realized tonight how this has been so painful for me. No one knows it, because I don't bring it up.
I feel like I'm a completely separate entity on a whole different plane...unsure of what my next move will be. Just praying that I make it out alive.
I have so many questions.
I am glad I'm going to my therapist tomorrow.
Right now I feel like a worthless piece of dirt.
I cannot seem to shake that feeling. This feeling of being an outcast. A pariah.
Why do I have to be the one to wither away? Why does it have to be like that? Why is it like that? Why is it assumed that that way is the way it is?
It is odd that I never talk about it. I can't though.
Is it irrational and inexplicable that I feel like pain?
I'm entitled to it. I am not having a pity party. I just feel so lost and alone right now because of this situation, and now other unpleasant situations from the past are arising and haunting me.
I wish I could release myself from the unpleasantness.
I'll never know what's going on. This summer should be very serene. I hope so. An entirely different world altogether.
I will write until I get carpal tunnel.
And try not to be sad.
even in spite of all that is good and all those in my life who are so wonderful, i can't help but feel like i've been a massive outcast for the majority of this semester. and for one prime reason.
the most frustrating thing about this all is that it still effects me. well it is still rather fresh.
i hate that it still pains me. some days are better than others though, that's for certain.
it's just a deep-rooted, stinging pain. of course it'll go away eventually but as of now it's like multiple jabs in the chest daily. more or less.
it's always in the back of my mind.
this fear needs to be eliminated. time heals all wounds, of course.
which is absolutely true. i'm living proof!
i don't even know what to do anymore, i don't even know if i'm handling this properly.
the most frustrating thing about this all is that it still effects me. well it is still rather fresh.
i hate that it still pains me. some days are better than others though, that's for certain.
it's just a deep-rooted, stinging pain. of course it'll go away eventually but as of now it's like multiple jabs in the chest daily. more or less.
it's always in the back of my mind.
this fear needs to be eliminated. time heals all wounds, of course.
which is absolutely true. i'm living proof!
i don't even know what to do anymore, i don't even know if i'm handling this properly.
a sign that i matured: revelation time!
I genuinely ENJOY doing things alone. I truly can get productive alone and there's no danger that treads near me when I am alone. Just doing my own thing. I love working out alone, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not a loner by any means and of course I prefer being around people, I like to think of myself as a social butterfly haha but I never used to like being alone. I would DETEST it. It frightened me to death, and I don't exactly know why.
And do you know what I think I should continue on with? I wrote all of my friends "why I'm thankful for you" letters for Thanksgiving and I think, on the whole, they were appreciated so I am going to absolutely do that next year. And the year after and on and on and on. Unless of course it slips my mind haha.
Ugh I'm kind of tired now but kind of not.
This summer is going to be incredibly interesting. But definitely in a good way I think. That's for sure. New job, etc. But I'm deeply saddened and devastated my dear friend is moving to Cali...but she doesn't go till July so at least we'll have like a month to hang out and such. But who knows. Things always change at the drop of a hat.
I need a car so I can visit people. And such.
What I see myself doing after graduation: one word...drifting.
I'm gonna be such a nomad. But then again, you never know.
And do you know what I think I should continue on with? I wrote all of my friends "why I'm thankful for you" letters for Thanksgiving and I think, on the whole, they were appreciated so I am going to absolutely do that next year. And the year after and on and on and on. Unless of course it slips my mind haha.
Ugh I'm kind of tired now but kind of not.
This summer is going to be incredibly interesting. But definitely in a good way I think. That's for sure. New job, etc. But I'm deeply saddened and devastated my dear friend is moving to Cali...but she doesn't go till July so at least we'll have like a month to hang out and such. But who knows. Things always change at the drop of a hat.
I need a car so I can visit people. And such.
What I see myself doing after graduation: one word...drifting.
I'm gonna be such a nomad. But then again, you never know.
SO EMOTIONAL!
i was feeling hella emotional earlier but not so much anymore but it just kind of hit me: i'm so sad this year is drawing to a close. another chapter in our lives GONE! POOF! wahhh! it's fucking crazy. i'm that much closer to the real world. SCARY SCARY SCARY. i'm gonna sob sooooo much i'm gonna miss everyone too much over the summer. summer is way too long and tedious.
no one enjoys...
Rejection is one of the most wretched feelings that we can be overcome by in our lifetime. It comes in many forms too, and is usually incredibly unanticipated.
It is bound to happen to us at some point. Sometimes we even feel it a lot. But it begins to get really painful when there is an enormous barrier that is preventing us from seeing as much as something or someone as we want to. It just tears us apart. Especially when next year I'll probably rarely see them. =(
Can something good come out of this? I sure hope so. I don't deserve to have something prevent me from doing what I want and seeing who I want. No one deserves that. I don't want to be this faraway person...things have changed immensely in some ways. Some good. Some bad. But only bad in this aspect.
I cry sometimes when I'm alone about it. I feel so powerless in this situation. It's preventing me from certain things. But I don't put myself in those situations because I don't deserve that bullshit, I have too much self-worth for it. But does that mean I'm a coward? Or taking the high road? I don't know. It's the most frustrating thing in the world.
I wonder sometimes why do people who do bad things get what they want and appear to "win" whereas those who are innocent and just want peace and cohesiveness and nothing the matter are severely harmed?
I've seen it happen so often.
It is bound to happen to us at some point. Sometimes we even feel it a lot. But it begins to get really painful when there is an enormous barrier that is preventing us from seeing as much as something or someone as we want to. It just tears us apart. Especially when next year I'll probably rarely see them. =(
Can something good come out of this? I sure hope so. I don't deserve to have something prevent me from doing what I want and seeing who I want. No one deserves that. I don't want to be this faraway person...things have changed immensely in some ways. Some good. Some bad. But only bad in this aspect.
I cry sometimes when I'm alone about it. I feel so powerless in this situation. It's preventing me from certain things. But I don't put myself in those situations because I don't deserve that bullshit, I have too much self-worth for it. But does that mean I'm a coward? Or taking the high road? I don't know. It's the most frustrating thing in the world.
I wonder sometimes why do people who do bad things get what they want and appear to "win" whereas those who are innocent and just want peace and cohesiveness and nothing the matter are severely harmed?
I've seen it happen so often.
I expect nothing from life but absurdities. Most are highly entertaining and make you feel GREAT but there's a lot that's shitty. Shitty situations. Someone doesn't even have to be at fault, things just happen.
And someone is bound to have to take the heat.
My livingmates said to me last week that they're gonna miss me so much and all next year when I'm not living with them and every time I think about that I tear up. The three of us have been through some SHIT, let me tell you but we eventually let it all go (quickly) and we JOKE about it. HUMOR heals everything. To me, it doesn't matter where we all live, I just hope I see them a good amount. Otherwise, it's going to be extremely sad. I couldn't bear if we don't hang out as much as we do now and that goes for my cousin too. =(
They will be perfectly fine without me! It just was the most touching thing they ever said about me. We truly have had so much fun together this year---totally trumps all of the foolish, petty arguments and bickering matches and drama. We remember the good far more than the bad. Well, I mean we remember it all but the fun is what we feel nostalgic about and look back on the most. With great fondness.
Thank God now we can laugh about how I slammed my door super hard after a minor bickering match with one of them, or storming out after the other turned on the TV when I was doing homework. HAHAHAHA, such lunacy! I will miss it all dreadfully, but I mean everything that happens is for a reason. Maybe it is for the best. Now we can cherish each other more? I don't know. I just don't want anything to change with us all.
I have so much more to say but I'm legit tearing up now GAHHH
And someone is bound to have to take the heat.
My livingmates said to me last week that they're gonna miss me so much and all next year when I'm not living with them and every time I think about that I tear up. The three of us have been through some SHIT, let me tell you but we eventually let it all go (quickly) and we JOKE about it. HUMOR heals everything. To me, it doesn't matter where we all live, I just hope I see them a good amount. Otherwise, it's going to be extremely sad. I couldn't bear if we don't hang out as much as we do now and that goes for my cousin too. =(
They will be perfectly fine without me! It just was the most touching thing they ever said about me. We truly have had so much fun together this year---totally trumps all of the foolish, petty arguments and bickering matches and drama. We remember the good far more than the bad. Well, I mean we remember it all but the fun is what we feel nostalgic about and look back on the most. With great fondness.
Thank God now we can laugh about how I slammed my door super hard after a minor bickering match with one of them, or storming out after the other turned on the TV when I was doing homework. HAHAHAHA, such lunacy! I will miss it all dreadfully, but I mean everything that happens is for a reason. Maybe it is for the best. Now we can cherish each other more? I don't know. I just don't want anything to change with us all.
I have so much more to say but I'm legit tearing up now GAHHH
believe it or not
Believe it or not when something is very hard on me emotionally I will not always show it. I will even fool myself which terrifies me immensely. Have you ever witnessed in your life someone who is truly benevolent and just a decent human being getting fucked over for no apparent reason? There's no rhyme and reason for it. Of course. But life isn't fair right? But then that person feels incredibly stifled. They trust the ones they love and care about but there is one factor that makes them feel entirely shut out, despite what the situation is.
For me, even in spite of any bullshit going on that fucks things up big time (but life isn't fair right?) I trust all of my friends entirely. There is no need for me to question anyone in my life that I care about. And that's the way that it should be. But there's always something right? Always something that makes it rocky then suddenly you feel like you're trapped under a thick sheet of ice desperately trying to crack a hole from underneath so you can breath and make your voice heard. Is it someone's fault? I don't know. But well, things take their course and you can only pray that you find the success you deserve. The good karma. It's ironic because everything for the most part is fantastic. I'm happy. Frantic about grades and shit and panicking up the wazoo, but what else is new?
I'm at the point where I'm exasperated. I don't know what the hell to think anymore. And you know what? Most of the time I don't even give a shit. But there's still so much anger within me when good does not win out. Shitty things happen to good people. I refuse to feel worthless. I want to cry a lot when I think about it and that makes me want to question so much, but what does the world as a whole believe? Does evil always trump good in the long run in real life? After all this isn't some Disney flick.
Things are not always what they appear, though. I just am stunned as to how much this is affecting me. I wish it wasn't this much but it still stings a hell of a lot. This has been going on for ages now. Most of the time I don't acknowledge it. At this point, I REALLY shouldn't. I really shouldn't give a fuck. There's like two weeks left (or less than that) and I'm gonna be the fuck out of here.
I think I will write letters it's vital I get my perception there to get a full understanding. I am taking the high road, but that doesn't mean I'll be rewarded. Life doesn't work like that.
I feel like it's one thing after the next for me, pardon my cynicism. But there always seems to be something dreadfully painful or uncomfortable to endure and "get over". Always something to "blow over." Or in this case, not blow over. I'm not the bad guy. I'm not the villain. Not by any means in this situation. Then why do I feel like I'm being punished? It doesn't feel good. But life isn't fair. Who knows what the future holds, but whatever happens I'll always be true to myself and people may come and go but I'll always be true to myself. It's corny, but it makes perfect sense.
Life is never fair, but we deal. I always try to make the best out of a situation. Make a mountain out of a molehill. Certain things in life are highly irrational and absolutely ludicrous but we always find a way right?
I've been working out so much these days just because I have so much anger and frustration these days. Summer will bring a whole new environment (literally because I have a new job.)I'm going to work myself crazy, finish my book, take my summer English classes, see concerts hopefully, maybe even Chelsea Handler if I'm lucky and just provide myself with a clean slate. And thank God for writing.
I just want to cry right now. The certain situation I talked about above, when it arises makes me want to just sob alone in my bed hugging my teddy bear...that kind of sobfest. Not a pity party, just letting it all out. We're all entitled to that whenever the need arises. The worst thing we could do is bottle it all up.
There is always hope though right? For everything. My friend's roommate this summer is a lesbian actually and she showed me a picture and she is HOT. So smoking hot. Of course she has a girlfriend because all the good ones are taken (straight, gay, bi, whatever) but this gives me so much hope. And Evan Rachel Wood is bi. I was so excited. It's not like I want to date her (that's absurdly unrealistic obviously) it just gives me HOPE.
And maybe this hope can spread all around to all areas of my life.
For me, even in spite of any bullshit going on that fucks things up big time (but life isn't fair right?) I trust all of my friends entirely. There is no need for me to question anyone in my life that I care about. And that's the way that it should be. But there's always something right? Always something that makes it rocky then suddenly you feel like you're trapped under a thick sheet of ice desperately trying to crack a hole from underneath so you can breath and make your voice heard. Is it someone's fault? I don't know. But well, things take their course and you can only pray that you find the success you deserve. The good karma. It's ironic because everything for the most part is fantastic. I'm happy. Frantic about grades and shit and panicking up the wazoo, but what else is new?
I'm at the point where I'm exasperated. I don't know what the hell to think anymore. And you know what? Most of the time I don't even give a shit. But there's still so much anger within me when good does not win out. Shitty things happen to good people. I refuse to feel worthless. I want to cry a lot when I think about it and that makes me want to question so much, but what does the world as a whole believe? Does evil always trump good in the long run in real life? After all this isn't some Disney flick.
Things are not always what they appear, though. I just am stunned as to how much this is affecting me. I wish it wasn't this much but it still stings a hell of a lot. This has been going on for ages now. Most of the time I don't acknowledge it. At this point, I REALLY shouldn't. I really shouldn't give a fuck. There's like two weeks left (or less than that) and I'm gonna be the fuck out of here.
I think I will write letters it's vital I get my perception there to get a full understanding. I am taking the high road, but that doesn't mean I'll be rewarded. Life doesn't work like that.
I feel like it's one thing after the next for me, pardon my cynicism. But there always seems to be something dreadfully painful or uncomfortable to endure and "get over". Always something to "blow over." Or in this case, not blow over. I'm not the bad guy. I'm not the villain. Not by any means in this situation. Then why do I feel like I'm being punished? It doesn't feel good. But life isn't fair. Who knows what the future holds, but whatever happens I'll always be true to myself and people may come and go but I'll always be true to myself. It's corny, but it makes perfect sense.
Life is never fair, but we deal. I always try to make the best out of a situation. Make a mountain out of a molehill. Certain things in life are highly irrational and absolutely ludicrous but we always find a way right?
I've been working out so much these days just because I have so much anger and frustration these days. Summer will bring a whole new environment (literally because I have a new job.)I'm going to work myself crazy, finish my book, take my summer English classes, see concerts hopefully, maybe even Chelsea Handler if I'm lucky and just provide myself with a clean slate. And thank God for writing.
I just want to cry right now. The certain situation I talked about above, when it arises makes me want to just sob alone in my bed hugging my teddy bear...that kind of sobfest. Not a pity party, just letting it all out. We're all entitled to that whenever the need arises. The worst thing we could do is bottle it all up.
There is always hope though right? For everything. My friend's roommate this summer is a lesbian actually and she showed me a picture and she is HOT. So smoking hot. Of course she has a girlfriend because all the good ones are taken (straight, gay, bi, whatever) but this gives me so much hope. And Evan Rachel Wood is bi. I was so excited. It's not like I want to date her (that's absurdly unrealistic obviously) it just gives me HOPE.
And maybe this hope can spread all around to all areas of my life.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
SUCCESS.
evan rachel wood=bisexual, dates boys and girls
amber heard=lesbian
WHOO FUCKING HOO!!!!!!!!! that gives me so much hope!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Another start of a shitty poem. Procrastination central.
Numb
Automobile dodging lubrication
Precious nectar tastes less sweeter
Yet still twitching for an elixir
A potent potion that toasts the soul
Intoxicating psychosis leaves the lingering drenched
A dash of oil to the gaping chamber
Widened reeds aim to please
Slide down with slits and dangling limbs
Gradually drowned in serenity
Metamorphosis to detachment
Limbs disjointed, scattered on pavement
Scratched and scathed, scars abound
Some blemishes are never found
Fabric recoils, unveiling stints of exit
Temptation bursting at the seams
Oozing stained glass, blood-stained dreams
Hours are jarring
The blip on the radar was a nonexistent fragment
A mirage because I prayed too hard
Kneel till the pebbles produce dents
Though it’s time poorly spent
Bitter dewdrops tilted like a fan
Spread eagle to beaming swords
A floating soul, a gliding apparition
With no direction
Face scathing in a sea of coals
Soaked in ambivalence
Cloaked in false dominance
start of poems...but now I AM STUMPED! damn finals looming in the NEAR FUTURE. gah.
Grain of Mosque
She has the Devil’s hands, they say
The crooked veins circumvent the swelling
Storming crimson halted by molehills
They evaporate into obscurity without a murmur
Bicycle’s momentum clobbers clumps
Quicksand’s venus fly trap
Irrational Entity
Fossilized foil spreads sunflower petals into crevices
Fracture concealed with translucent syrup
A fissure of the canyon catalyzes rifts that rise ash
Magma sways unsuspectingly littering the rich earth with debris
Curtained by swirling splashes that peer, heavy-eyed into infrastructure
Crannies clogged with spite
Illusions spew like gushing fountains
A mirage for strained, moist lamps
The jarring motions thrust pestle to mortar
Monday, April 18, 2011
LOVE SUCKS FOR US ALL.
Whether you are gay, straight, bi, pansexual, transgender, whatever it doesn't fucking matter---love will always tear you apart into a million little pieces. Lust will too. And it certainly has for me and most of my friends.
I've never been in love, I believe for it to be love, it has to be mutual.
I pray that day comes for me and for everyone I know who hasn't found it yet. I'm stunned at how so many people get their heartbroken---and rejected. Such wonderful, splendid pleasant people! Including myself haha.
At the moment I am not hardcore lusting after anyone but I do think it was incredibly foolish of me to ask my roomie/friend to ask the girl to eat with us at lunch who I think is really hot. Perhaps that's a foolish idea. I need to prevent heartbreak. I know there's not much of the year left, but that doesn't matter. There are so many factors that can trigger a heart being obliterated. I tell myself "Yeah I'd love to be friends," but do I really mean it?
I don't know, it's better to be safe than sorry. Yes, I am fascinated by her just as I am about all girls that I've lusted over. Incredibly curious and want to get to know her. But then before I know it I could potentially be hooked. I cannot afford to do that.
Then again, whenever it HAS happened it's been entirely unanticipated. THAT'S when it hurts me and fucks me up like an overdose of heroin.
So if I fear this with this chick, then could it not happen?
I don't know, but you don't know a lot in life.
Does it even matter? My friends who know her well aren't too crazy about her. I have heard only bad things so I'm very wary. I feel sorry for her from it as well, I'm not going to lie. She seems like a lonely soul, and I always love to try to reach out to those who seem like they need someone (whether they like it or not) but I don't know, maybe that's just my inner shrink being released.
Now that I think about it, I know so many people, STRAIGHT people who have been outright rejected. Friends or just people I know. It stuns me! I came to the conclusion: love isn't easy even if you are straight and have more options. Two people coming together as one being is highly difficult to do. It's more likely to fizzle into oblivion then prosper.
I am highly cynical, but I mean, I'm telling myself girls are trouble. I'm just fine lusting from a distance which is what I'm currently doing I suppose...but still, I don't know. It gets old. I guess only time can tell. You cannot predict what'll happen. But maybe I should go to a fortune teller and TRY. Just kidding...sort of/not really.
My friends and I deserve significant others! Why is it taking us so long to have a fantastic, mind-blowing relationship?
The problem is probably the people at this school haha. I'm serious though.
All the hot girls are straight and even if they were lesbians a lot of them are straight up CRAY CRAY. And the guys are so damn sleazy and players and egomaniacs.
What is the deal with our generation?!
How are so many damn people in relationships?! It seems like the hardest thing in the world.
I fear for my meeting with my advisor tomorrow. She said: "I'm concerned about your progress in classes."
Huh? I have no grades on Blackboard anyway, but I know I am average to above average in everything. I am very solid this semester. What's the deal? Maybe she's "concerned" that it took me forever to get my classes taken care of with her.
It's such a mess. Where I went wrong: I waited too long to schedule an appointment with her to release my hold and thus, was unaware as to what day and time I was to register. Then I tried to contact my advisor about it---sent three or more emails, stopped by her office and I didn't have the faintest idea that she was gonna be gone...she was AWOL. So I freaked because I didn't want all of my classes to close up, and I know Dr. Deb whose fantastic and my Faculty in Residence and she did it for me. And clearly those two talked...Deb said "Oops I shouldn't have released your hold! She has some things to talk to you about." WTF. And my advisor said the same thing. Maybe she wants to check in? I don't know what to expect.
When I'm a teacher I will never leave a student in the dark like this. It's bullshit.
I pray things go well, or at least decently. I will apologize and explain myself, it's not even a big deal. Whatever, it's all about her ego I just know it. She's always given me the heebie jeebies, honestly. If things get jacked up, I will do everything in my power to switch advisors. Although is that possible? Is there another option in Secondary-English?
I just feel like my advisor doesn't believe in me.
She's gonna be so damn sorry. Everyone who never believed in me namely all those wretched teachers who made me want to be a teacher myself. I'll prove them all wrong.
They'll all be sorry when I'm a renowned writer and I have a lovely girlfriend living in Europe with our four children or something and dogs.
I fear for the future.
I've never been in love, I believe for it to be love, it has to be mutual.
I pray that day comes for me and for everyone I know who hasn't found it yet. I'm stunned at how so many people get their heartbroken---and rejected. Such wonderful, splendid pleasant people! Including myself haha.
At the moment I am not hardcore lusting after anyone but I do think it was incredibly foolish of me to ask my roomie/friend to ask the girl to eat with us at lunch who I think is really hot. Perhaps that's a foolish idea. I need to prevent heartbreak. I know there's not much of the year left, but that doesn't matter. There are so many factors that can trigger a heart being obliterated. I tell myself "Yeah I'd love to be friends," but do I really mean it?
I don't know, it's better to be safe than sorry. Yes, I am fascinated by her just as I am about all girls that I've lusted over. Incredibly curious and want to get to know her. But then before I know it I could potentially be hooked. I cannot afford to do that.
Then again, whenever it HAS happened it's been entirely unanticipated. THAT'S when it hurts me and fucks me up like an overdose of heroin.
So if I fear this with this chick, then could it not happen?
I don't know, but you don't know a lot in life.
Does it even matter? My friends who know her well aren't too crazy about her. I have heard only bad things so I'm very wary. I feel sorry for her from it as well, I'm not going to lie. She seems like a lonely soul, and I always love to try to reach out to those who seem like they need someone (whether they like it or not) but I don't know, maybe that's just my inner shrink being released.
Now that I think about it, I know so many people, STRAIGHT people who have been outright rejected. Friends or just people I know. It stuns me! I came to the conclusion: love isn't easy even if you are straight and have more options. Two people coming together as one being is highly difficult to do. It's more likely to fizzle into oblivion then prosper.
I am highly cynical, but I mean, I'm telling myself girls are trouble. I'm just fine lusting from a distance which is what I'm currently doing I suppose...but still, I don't know. It gets old. I guess only time can tell. You cannot predict what'll happen. But maybe I should go to a fortune teller and TRY. Just kidding...sort of/not really.
My friends and I deserve significant others! Why is it taking us so long to have a fantastic, mind-blowing relationship?
The problem is probably the people at this school haha. I'm serious though.
All the hot girls are straight and even if they were lesbians a lot of them are straight up CRAY CRAY. And the guys are so damn sleazy and players and egomaniacs.
What is the deal with our generation?!
How are so many damn people in relationships?! It seems like the hardest thing in the world.
I fear for my meeting with my advisor tomorrow. She said: "I'm concerned about your progress in classes."
Huh? I have no grades on Blackboard anyway, but I know I am average to above average in everything. I am very solid this semester. What's the deal? Maybe she's "concerned" that it took me forever to get my classes taken care of with her.
It's such a mess. Where I went wrong: I waited too long to schedule an appointment with her to release my hold and thus, was unaware as to what day and time I was to register. Then I tried to contact my advisor about it---sent three or more emails, stopped by her office and I didn't have the faintest idea that she was gonna be gone...she was AWOL. So I freaked because I didn't want all of my classes to close up, and I know Dr. Deb whose fantastic and my Faculty in Residence and she did it for me. And clearly those two talked...Deb said "Oops I shouldn't have released your hold! She has some things to talk to you about." WTF. And my advisor said the same thing. Maybe she wants to check in? I don't know what to expect.
When I'm a teacher I will never leave a student in the dark like this. It's bullshit.
I pray things go well, or at least decently. I will apologize and explain myself, it's not even a big deal. Whatever, it's all about her ego I just know it. She's always given me the heebie jeebies, honestly. If things get jacked up, I will do everything in my power to switch advisors. Although is that possible? Is there another option in Secondary-English?
I just feel like my advisor doesn't believe in me.
She's gonna be so damn sorry. Everyone who never believed in me namely all those wretched teachers who made me want to be a teacher myself. I'll prove them all wrong.
They'll all be sorry when I'm a renowned writer and I have a lovely girlfriend living in Europe with our four children or something and dogs.
I fear for the future.
wow seriously what the fuck.
Okay seriously what the fuck? My advisor said she's "worried about me" and worried about my "progress in my classes." Um what the fuck? Seriously? I have a B in Am Lit, probably a C or B in Brit Lit, and probably all As in my Education classes.
What the fuck cunt?
Am I missing something here. Sadly this other professor who released my hold for me to help me out talked to her 'cuz she just emailed me "I shouldn't have done that, you may want to talk to her, she has to talk to you about specific things." What the eff? Seriously, when all seems to be going great, some bullshit happens to turn it all sour.
Why can't things be just chill and stress-free for once? Well that's life in a nutshell. Problem after problem.
Maybe it's 'cuz...well who knows. I'm gonna be prepared for anything and I'll be able to explain everything for myself.
I have always somehow gotten out of these fucked up academic predicaments.
There has never been a year in my life where there's not academic chaos/mayhem/stress central.
Even in 3rd grade there was severe tumult when I got a 60% on a Math test. Story of my life.
I'm just not a school person. Not to sound like a Holden Caulfield poser type but I'm far from it. I do my own thing and do not well with structure. Although some structure is indeed a wonderful thing. But this is why I'm going to be a teacher---a carefree, empathetic, unstructured, unconventional teacher who will turn the school I'm at over on its ear.
You can bet your boots on it!
I always seem to do something wrong, and yes I have changed a lot through the years and matured, as everyone does but still it's far too easy to fall back into the same patterns.
Three more weeks or so. I am yearning for it. Yet the upcoming summer is stressing me out to the max given that I haven't found a job yet...working on that. I am not gonna be a fucking failure I refuse!!!!!!!! 'Cuz I'm not! I hope this isn't a frightening picture of what's to come. I hope things go more right for me next year. And that I can find an on campus job next year. I need to make some cash money again! Fuck.
End of rant...for now.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
shocking acts
I used to have some serious anger issues. Not severe to the point of high concern and a judge tossing me in an anger management course, but still pretty fucking bad. These days I don't have much anger at all. Currently only at my academic advisor whose a haughty, self-important cunt. Let's be honest though we all have pent up anger. But this is something that ruffled the wrong feathers with me. Like, it brought up high school memories that infuriated me. That's how anger works. Present situations can be traced back to the past. Parallels are drawn.
Anyway, a massive change I noticed in myself is that I could never, EVER hate anyone.
I detested so many people in high school.
I hated everyone, and was so fucking apathetic and nonchalant. I was like a ticking bomb.
Now I see the good in the people far more.
I never took the high road in high school.
I felt like such a misfit, and of course I do sometimes nowadays but I've grown up, I know my place in the world now and I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my purpose is.
For the longest time I haven't had much anger. I've been stunningly serene, which is something I never get pegged as.
This year has been such a whirlwind but more than anything, it's been a wonderful, marvelous spectacular eye-opening experience. An exhilarating roller coaster ride.
I'm gonna look back on it with pure nostalgia and fondness. There have been some of the roughest times of my life that occurred this past year, but looking back it's all so laughable and trivial.
The fights, the drama, falling for one of my closest friends (and one of my livingmates) then getting over her entirely and moving on. We have all evolved so much.
Next year will bring much more excitement I know. And the hard times will not be repeated. All of this made us all appreciate each other a lot more.
I'm at such a good place now---just doing this whole irksome school thing to the best of my ability along with everyone else, writing a ton, working out a lot, making an effort to be healthier and succeeding fairly well so far, and actually looking forward to summer to some extent.
This year has made me feel invincible...odd?
I have never felt as strong as I have at this very moment.
And clear headed.
I don't like any girl. Okay I think like three girls are hot but that's it---I don't know them. Thank God. And one of them's supposed to have a shitty personality so thank God for that---all I've heard about her is a major turn off. UGH!
Anyway, who knows what next year will bring.
I fear for certain things of course---what will happen to me academically---will ANYTHING happen romantically? Will I be severely getting hurt from love next year? It's a cruel pattern it seems like.
Or will I finally learn to emotionally detach myself? HAVE I learned this?
It's truly sad that this year is drawing to a close. I feel like I'm running out of time...my college days are rapidly diminishing.
I don't have a clue what to expect next year. It's scary, but the future IS scary.
Whatever happens is what's meant to happen.
My college life thus far has thrown me on a completely different planet as opposed to my entire life prior to college.
I wasn't even living then.
I only truly have been for two years now.
I wasn't the person I am today then.
It's astounding how much can change in one year even. Last year seems like ages ago.
Anyway, a massive change I noticed in myself is that I could never, EVER hate anyone.
I detested so many people in high school.
I hated everyone, and was so fucking apathetic and nonchalant. I was like a ticking bomb.
Now I see the good in the people far more.
I never took the high road in high school.
I felt like such a misfit, and of course I do sometimes nowadays but I've grown up, I know my place in the world now and I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my purpose is.
For the longest time I haven't had much anger. I've been stunningly serene, which is something I never get pegged as.
This year has been such a whirlwind but more than anything, it's been a wonderful, marvelous spectacular eye-opening experience. An exhilarating roller coaster ride.
I'm gonna look back on it with pure nostalgia and fondness. There have been some of the roughest times of my life that occurred this past year, but looking back it's all so laughable and trivial.
The fights, the drama, falling for one of my closest friends (and one of my livingmates) then getting over her entirely and moving on. We have all evolved so much.
Next year will bring much more excitement I know. And the hard times will not be repeated. All of this made us all appreciate each other a lot more.
I'm at such a good place now---just doing this whole irksome school thing to the best of my ability along with everyone else, writing a ton, working out a lot, making an effort to be healthier and succeeding fairly well so far, and actually looking forward to summer to some extent.
This year has made me feel invincible...odd?
I have never felt as strong as I have at this very moment.
And clear headed.
I don't like any girl. Okay I think like three girls are hot but that's it---I don't know them. Thank God. And one of them's supposed to have a shitty personality so thank God for that---all I've heard about her is a major turn off. UGH!
Anyway, who knows what next year will bring.
I fear for certain things of course---what will happen to me academically---will ANYTHING happen romantically? Will I be severely getting hurt from love next year? It's a cruel pattern it seems like.
Or will I finally learn to emotionally detach myself? HAVE I learned this?
It's truly sad that this year is drawing to a close. I feel like I'm running out of time...my college days are rapidly diminishing.
I don't have a clue what to expect next year. It's scary, but the future IS scary.
Whatever happens is what's meant to happen.
My college life thus far has thrown me on a completely different planet as opposed to my entire life prior to college.
I wasn't even living then.
I only truly have been for two years now.
I wasn't the person I am today then.
It's astounding how much can change in one year even. Last year seems like ages ago.
Kamma Niyama
As Oprah said that one day I was watching her at the gym (as I always tend to do when I'm not thoroughly scanning the place for hot kickboxing girl) "Whether you think so or not, every cause has an effect and the good are always ultimately awarded." Then she applied a few laws of physics to life instances, which was very interesting indeed. And so true. It all completely struck a chord with me. I had a realization: maybe Oprah is right, maybe there is consequences for everyone's actions, and when you do something bad, you will have to deal with the repercussions, no matter what it is. Because no one gets out unscathed. However, even the good have incredibly rough patches in their lives and are put through hell. Sadly, that's life and it's bullshit and unfair. But sooner or later, bad luck has to wear off right? Something negative USUALLY has to trigger something positive. At least one can hope so.
But I've realized, if you're young and make virtually no mistakes, not only are you not living, but you're not learning. You're kind of suspended in an ambivalent, bizarre state. And oddity. Are you exceptionally, outrageously mature for your age? Or are you just...abnormal?
I think it's bullshit when someone says that they don't regret anything in life. For me, it's more of a balance. I do not regret the times where my heart has been shattered and I'm been so destroyed inside, because it makes you so incredibly strong, you know? And you heal right back up. Will you always have the scars though? That's a good question. Probably not. Because it's human nature, our instinct to move the fuck on. And we do. It's something I've gotten better and better at.
However, a lot of the more trivial things I regret like, "Oh fuck I should've said THAT that one time! I'm such a fucking fool! Why didn't I think of that?" Bit then I just let it go, because what are you gonna do? In nerve-wracking situations it's a proven fact that your mind will become a blank slate. Trust me, I would know. Then you can't find the word, stutter like a lunatic, and have no damn clue what you're even saying, or what you're trying to get at.
Anyway, kamma niyama is the consequences of one's actions. It is a process-action, an energy, an uncontrollable force. Whatever emotion we are feeling at the moment is a result of our own deeds. But not all the time. Sadly, it can truly be out of our hands and out of our control. Sometimes we cannot help our feelings. And then this stresses us out even more. We are allegedly the architects of our own fate, although I only semi agree with this. Because a lot of things in life, we cannot control. Like death or how the world sees us. The only thing we can control is our own actions and how we treat the world and what we think of ourselves. You can only change yourself.
The most terrifying events in my life thus far have been being smitten with far too many girls who could never feel the same way for me. I thank God frequently these days that I do not feel this for anyone at all at the moment. Okay I do have some minor crushes, trivial lustful feelings, but not nearly enough to get me hurt or disappointed. It's all in good fun. It's because I don't know these girls. If I did it would be potentially dangerous, given how sensitive I am.
I hate how sensitive I am. In every aspect. With emotions, things that happen to me, even alcohol. Is this all God's way of telling me I cannot handle that much?
But I can...I endured some not so pleasant shit. And experience is the only thing that can make us as human beings stronger and more self-aware right?
But I've realized, if you're young and make virtually no mistakes, not only are you not living, but you're not learning. You're kind of suspended in an ambivalent, bizarre state. And oddity. Are you exceptionally, outrageously mature for your age? Or are you just...abnormal?
I think it's bullshit when someone says that they don't regret anything in life. For me, it's more of a balance. I do not regret the times where my heart has been shattered and I'm been so destroyed inside, because it makes you so incredibly strong, you know? And you heal right back up. Will you always have the scars though? That's a good question. Probably not. Because it's human nature, our instinct to move the fuck on. And we do. It's something I've gotten better and better at.
However, a lot of the more trivial things I regret like, "Oh fuck I should've said THAT that one time! I'm such a fucking fool! Why didn't I think of that?" Bit then I just let it go, because what are you gonna do? In nerve-wracking situations it's a proven fact that your mind will become a blank slate. Trust me, I would know. Then you can't find the word, stutter like a lunatic, and have no damn clue what you're even saying, or what you're trying to get at.
Anyway, kamma niyama is the consequences of one's actions. It is a process-action, an energy, an uncontrollable force. Whatever emotion we are feeling at the moment is a result of our own deeds. But not all the time. Sadly, it can truly be out of our hands and out of our control. Sometimes we cannot help our feelings. And then this stresses us out even more. We are allegedly the architects of our own fate, although I only semi agree with this. Because a lot of things in life, we cannot control. Like death or how the world sees us. The only thing we can control is our own actions and how we treat the world and what we think of ourselves. You can only change yourself.
The most terrifying events in my life thus far have been being smitten with far too many girls who could never feel the same way for me. I thank God frequently these days that I do not feel this for anyone at all at the moment. Okay I do have some minor crushes, trivial lustful feelings, but not nearly enough to get me hurt or disappointed. It's all in good fun. It's because I don't know these girls. If I did it would be potentially dangerous, given how sensitive I am.
I hate how sensitive I am. In every aspect. With emotions, things that happen to me, even alcohol. Is this all God's way of telling me I cannot handle that much?
But I can...I endured some not so pleasant shit. And experience is the only thing that can make us as human beings stronger and more self-aware right?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
self-discovery
Social
What type of people do I enjoy spending time with?
Crazy, fun-loving, characters who are as open minded as I am and who can find the humor in any situation as I try to do. Laughter truly is the best medicine. And just people who are thoughtful, loyal, caring, all those usual ones. But people who don't take your shit and thus, you respect them for that haha. And people who are accepting no matter what. And empathetic. Just all the great traits we look for in all human beings.
Essentially people who are different from you so it's not boring and is spiced up, yet share all the right kind of similarities.
Why do I enjoy those specific qualities in people?
Because that all equals out as a pretty good human being. With tons of pizzazz. They don’t have to be a saint, in fact I prefer they’re NOT and can admit to their shortcomings and be self-deprecating and whatnot. We’re only human after all! I believe everyone truly is a character. It sounds ridiculously corny but there is something outrageous about us all, something that we are notorious for that’s always highly entertaining. I can pick this out out of anyone I know!
Do I seek out people similar as I, or different from me? Why is that?
Somewhere in the middle honestly.
Do I have many friends as I just described? Why or why not?
Yeah definitely. Well, because everyone makes friends naturally and that’s just basically my descriptions of my friends on the whole.
How many close friends do I want based on the amount of time I have?
I would say all my friends are my close friends, ‘cuz I just think it’s important to form a great bond with each and every individual person you befriend. But if not, why waste your time ya know?
What would those close relationships look like? What would be the biggest aspects? (talking, shared activities, working on projects together, laughter, storytelling, playing games, etc.)
Well the talking is always the most memorable I would say. And laughter goes hand in hand with that, jokes, making fun of each other, trivial little squabbles, doing outrageous things. The seemingly mundane and bizarre is what we remember the most. And it just all adds up more and more!
What are two of the most favorite things I enjoy doing with others?
- Talking/joking around
- Going on an adventure of some sort (anything) doesn’t need to be anything special
Where have I met most of the friends I currently have?
(family, work, community, childhood, online, etc.)
(family, work, community, childhood, online, etc.)
La escuela bitches!
What does where I met these friends tell me about myself?
That the easiest place to meet friends is at school...‘cuz it’s all I’ve ever know. Makes the most sense for someone by age I guess haha.
Why am I still friends with those people?
Because I get along swimmingly with them and we have tons of fun! And they crack me up!
What is the single biggest attitudinal change I’d like to make when with people? (be more myself, be more out-going, be more honest, initiate more conversations, be more comfortable, be more open, be funnier, interrupt less, initiate more activities, etc.)
Well I’ll have to take a suggestion from up there: interrupt less. Ironically I’ve gotten far better with listening and I’ve always been really helpful I think especially with advice and stuff (I certainly try at least) but I do interrupt a lot ‘cuz I have a wretched memory and think “Oh shit I better spew out what I have to say NOW otherwise I’ll forget!” I’ve definitely gotten called out for that in the past. And I can always work on being lower maintenance. I don’t want to be a drama queen at all or a diva. I’m learning how to be more chill.
Emotional
List three situations and/or times when you were the most happy in your life. Specific instances…What elements were present when I felt that way? How was I feeling about myself during those times?
- Experiencing college
- Trip to Alabama in 4th grade with mom’s side of the family
- Family reunions with my dad’s side of the family
What do I fear most in my life right now? Why? What would it mean if that happened?
That I will be a failure and not succeed in anything I am passionate about. And that I will do poorly this semester and not get any classes I need for the fall semeseter and not get a job this summer and spend all the money in my bank accounts.
When do I feel the most angry or frustrated? What is it about those situations that I feel that way?
When I feel like I’m ignored, not taken seriously, insulted, you know the usual.
What is my definition of love? (not Webster’s)
To show through actions not just purely words that you truly care about someone (platonic or not.)
What are my primary beliefs about love? (it’s easy, scary, short-lived, feels good, not possible, difficult, etc.) Where/when did I acquire those beliefs? Do I still believe them? Why or why not?
Love is one of the most difficult things on this earth. Call me cynical but it is not easy by any means and never is, it’s terrifying, and I do not get my hopes up. From my experience it’s usually me expecting a lot out of the other person and they cannot return any of my feelings.
Do I have much control over my emotions? Why or why not?
I used to have very little control and thus, I was prone to outbursts and having not filter but I think I’ve shockingly matured quite a bit and know when to keep my mouth shut and to “fake it till i make it.” ‘Cuz it’s not good to entirely be an open book and shit.
What emotions do I want to feel most of the time?
Well happiness of course, plain and simple. Which I do feel most of the time, but tinged with frustration a lot and a bit of indifference and cynicism of course, ya know your usual young adult. Except I bit more Holden Caulfield than I should be at times. Except I’m not cool at all. Ha.
Significant Relationship
If NOT currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship
What specific characteristics do I want my ideal life partner to possess? (generosity, open-mindedness, funny, gentle, strong personality, quiet, organized, similar beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, etc, fun, honest, similar goals, attractive, playful, out-going, etc.)
I don’t care what they are just as long as they are MY MISSING PIECE hahaha. And we mesh perfectly together. And we have a mutual insight into one another emotionally, spiritually, etc.
Why do I want them to have those characteristics?
Because if it wasn’t like that the relationship would not exist.
How would I feel if I never had a life partner? Why would I feel that way?
I would be disturbingly alone, lonely, depressed and it would just be absurdly morbid. I would cry all day and night and live vicariously through my friends’ relationships.
Spiritual / Ethics
Do I believe in God? If not, how do I believe the universe operates? Why do I believe that?
I absolutely do. Christianity/Catholicism is not my cup of tea whatsoever, even though I’ve been brought up like that, but I took an interest in Unitarian Universalism and then just being “just spiritual” but as of now given everything, all my “research” and whatnot I like to call myself a Buddhist because that’s where I fit in the best.
How has my childhood effected my beliefs about God/or lack there of?
Not at all. Do you think I ever paid the slightest bit of attention in Religious Ed classes?
What characteristics do I believe God possesses? Why do I believe that?
He gives us all free will. The world is the way it is because we made it that way. God cannot magically make things happen, we have to try our best and then pray that all ends up well. Praying is all we can do.
What is my relationship with this God/Universe?
Is it the relationship I want? Why or why not?
Is it the relationship I want? Why or why not?
I mean, I should pray more that’s for sure. But I mean I always thought you didn’t need to since God is a ubiquitous being and whatnot. He knows what’s going on with me, and more about my life and myself than I do. But I think I could be more spiritual although I think of myself as a spiritualist---hence why I write. I write to hold a mirror up to life for other human beings. For myself and others to help find their way so to speak.
In what way does my spiritual beliefs effect my day-to-day life?
Well I should think about it more I would say. As I mentioned above. So that’s just a goal I have in mind for myself.
Do I have a code of conduct that I follow? If no, do I want one? Why or why not? If yes, what is it and why those codes?
Yes I do, it’s not a formal, written out one but I would say my biggest thing is to be warm and welcoming to everyone you come across. Never burn bridges or write anyone off, that only screws you over and you will fiercely regret it later. And just, the golden rule and all that shit. And just integrity, don’t be fake. Say what you mean. Don’t sugarcoat. Own up to your bullshit.
Financial
What beliefs did I “take on” from my parents in regards to money?
How crucial hard work is. My mom stressed that more than anything with me I would say.
What does money mean/represent to me?
Success. And being in control of your life, having freedom to live your life the way you want.
Success. And being in control of your life, having freedom to live your life the way you want.
Do I feel peaceful or anxiety in regards to money?
Why do I feel that way about it?
Why do I feel that way about it?
Anxiety as of right now. I am far too nervous spending cash when I don’t have a job. Hopefully this changes drastically very soon.
How much money do I feel I deserve to make a year? Why that amount?
A shitton. Because my writing is outraaaaageous! And I should be published! Haha.
What would it mean to me if I made more or less than that amount? Why do I believe that?
I mean, I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about money. But I’m more concerned with getting published and making a name for myself and shit than that.
Career
What types of things did I enjoy doing as a child? Do I do anything today that has similar qualities to it?
Any games involving boatloads of imagination. Dress up. Playing in the mud. Bizarre shit.
How do I currently earn my livelihood? How did I come to be so employed?
Student. Jobless and broke.
What was present during the times I loved my work?
What were the elements present in those situations?
What were the elements present in those situations?
Never loved any job I had. Okay, swimming lessons I did for most of the time. Highly memorable children I worked with.
Am I currently doing the type of work I love to do?
If not, what type of work would I like to do?
If yes, what would have to change for me to enjoy it more?
If not, what type of work would I like to do?
If yes, what would have to change for me to enjoy it more?
Technically yes. I write and whatnot to the point of me neglecting my studies. Oops. But I always make sure I get by okay. I’d enjoy it more if I was professional and actually had goals and due dates for getting published and whatnot.
What attitudinal change could I make to enjoy it more?
Don’t be a perfectionist, that’s what’s editing is for. Just keep speaking from your heart and let it flow. That’s all you can do in life in general. Don’t have a plan. Let your experiences and mindsets dictate where you go next. Planning ahead does not work for creative writing and poetry and shit.
What has stopped me so far from pursuing the type of work I love? Do I want to continue allowing that to stop me? What could I do to change that?
What is my definition of success? (not Webster’s) that?
Personal
What skills have I acquired that I’m proud of?
Well I’m a bit better with anger management and not jumping to conclusions and flying off the handle when something instantly makes me upset/incensed/etc. In the past that’s screwed me over. Anger clouds your mind and makes you think things that may even be completely false. And I’ve matured a lot more. I don’t act as childish-nutty as last year for instance. Other people have pointed this out to me, so it feels good that it’s noticeable. I guess I am, on the whole, more studious. I don’t want to play the ADHD card but I guess this year overall I’ve done a much better job of not letting it fuck things up for me. Although of course it happens from time to time.
What accomplishments am I proud of?
My writing! Getting published tons of times throughout the years (in my high school paper and twice in my hometown newspaper) and the novel I’m writing that’s in the works, my collection of poetry I’ve complied, etc etc. It’s like all I do. Ha.
Beginning when I was a child, what are the 10 most significant events in my life? Why did I make them significant?
A lot, I suppose. How can I narrow it down to ten. I can’t think of ten off the top of my head.
What period of my life do I like most? Why?
Now because it’s the present mofo! And I’m so close to the “real world” and being completely autonomous. I love college, I truly do, it’s been life-changing but I’m ready to do my thing in the big world you know? West Hollywood bitches!
What period of my life do I like least? Why?
Probably high school. Looking back now, I have mixed feelings but there is more negative than positive. I was pretty miserable I must say. I mean I’ve been through some tough personal shit the past two years but most of it has been absolutely phenomenal and I’m grown so much stronger. High school made me into an intensely angry person, essentially, but I’ve totally let it all go I think!
What are five of my greatest strengths?
- Writing/Imagination
- Thoughtfulness
- Empathy
- Sense of humor
- Loyalty
What do I desire most right now? Why do I desire that?
Honestly, at the top of my list is a lovely girlfriend! I would put this even above success in writing. I just want someone whose just as into me as I am into them?
But I cannot handle anymore bullshit and heartbreak. So right now I just have some innocent crushes/lustful feelings---nothing deep by any means. Faraway crushes so to speak, so I cannot get hurt. My kickboxing instructor/intern at the gym for the most part (I’m kind of obsessed...) and then I think this dancer my friends know is smoooooking hot as well and then this exchange student girl. But it’s nothing really at all.
If I was to receive an award, what would I want that award to be for? Why that?
My writing. Because it pretty much defines me.
If I was to pick out a general theme that showed up often while answering these questions, what would that theme be? What does it mean? How do I feel about that?
Probably my writing/passion/sense of self. How interpersonal and intrapersonal I am I suppose.
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