self-discovery

Social

What type of people do I enjoy spending time with?

Crazy, fun-loving, characters who are as open minded as I am and who can find the humor in any situation as I try to do. Laughter truly is the best medicine. And just  people who are thoughtful, loyal, caring, all those usual ones. But people who don't take your shit and thus, you respect them for that haha. And people who are accepting no matter what. And empathetic. Just all the great traits we look for in all human beings. 

Essentially people who are different from you so it's not boring and is spiced up, yet share all the right kind of similarities. 

Why do I enjoy those specific qualities in people?

Because that all equals out as a pretty good human being. With tons of pizzazz. They don’t have to be a saint, in fact I prefer they’re NOT and can admit to their shortcomings and be self-deprecating and whatnot. We’re only human after all! I believe everyone truly is a character. It sounds ridiculously corny but there is something outrageous about us all, something that we are notorious for that’s always highly entertaining. I can pick this out out of anyone I know!

Do I seek out people similar as I, or different from me? Why is that?

Somewhere in the middle honestly.

Do I have many friends as I just described? Why or why not?

Yeah definitely. Well, because everyone makes friends naturally and that’s just basically my descriptions of my friends on the whole. 

How many close friends do I want based on the amount of time I have?

I would say all my friends are my close friends, ‘cuz I just think it’s important to form a great bond with each and every individual person you befriend. But if not, why waste your time ya know?

What would those close relationships look like? What would be the biggest aspects? (talking, shared activities, working on projects together, laughter, storytelling, playing games, etc.)

Well the talking is always the most memorable I would say. And laughter goes hand in hand with that, jokes, making fun of each other, trivial little squabbles, doing outrageous things. The seemingly mundane and bizarre is what we remember the most. And it just all adds up more and more!

What are two of the most favorite things I enjoy doing with others?

1. Talking/joking around
2. Going on an adventure of some sort (anything) doesn’t need to be anything special

Where have I met most of the friends I currently have?
(family, work, community, childhood, online, etc.)

La escuela bitches!

What does where I met these friends tell me about myself?

That the easiest place to meet friends is at school...‘cuz it’s all I’ve ever know. Makes the most sense for someone by age I guess haha.

Why am I still friends with those people?

Because I get along swimmingly with them and we have tons of fun! And they crack me up!

What is the single biggest attitudinal change I’d like to make when with people? (be more myself, be more out-going, be more honest, initiate more conversations, be more comfortable, be more open, be funnier, interrupt less, initiate more activities, etc.)

Well I’ll have to take a suggestion from up there: interrupt less. Ironically I’ve gotten far better with listening and I’ve always been really helpful I think especially with advice and stuff (I certainly try at least) but I do interrupt a lot ‘cuz I have a wretched memory and think “Oh shit I better spew out what I have to say NOW otherwise I’ll forget!” I’ve definitely gotten called out for that in the past. And I can always work on being lower maintenance. I don’t want to be a drama queen at all or a diva. I’m learning how to be more chill. 

Emotional

List three situations and/or times when you were the most happy in your life. Specific instances…What elements were present when I felt that way? How was I feeling about myself during those times?

1. Experiencing college
2. Trip to Alabama in 4th grade with mom’s side of the family
3. Family reunions with my dad’s side of the family

What do I fear most in my life right now? Why? What would it mean if that happened?

That I will be a failure and not succeed in anything I am passionate about. And that I will do poorly this semester and not get any classes I need for the fall semeseter and not get a job this summer and spend all the money in my bank accounts.

When do I feel the most angry or frustrated? What is it about those situations that I feel that way?

When I feel like I’m ignored, not taken seriously, insulted, you know the usual. 

What is my definition of love? (not Webster’s)

To show through actions not just purely words that you truly care about someone (platonic or not.)

What are my primary beliefs about love? (it’s easy, scary, short-lived, feels good, not possible, difficult, etc.) Where/when did I acquire those beliefs? Do I still believe them? Why or why not?

Love is one of the most difficult things on this earth. Call me cynical but it is not easy by any means and never is, it’s terrifying, and I do not get my hopes up. From my experience it’s usually me expecting a lot out of the other person and they cannot return any of my feelings.

Do I have much control over my emotions? Why or why not?

I used to have very little control and thus, I was prone to outbursts and having not filter but I think I’ve shockingly matured quite a bit and know when to keep my mouth shut and to “fake it till i make it.” ‘Cuz it’s not good to entirely be an open book and shit.

What emotions do I want to feel most of the time?

Well happiness of course, plain and simple. Which I do feel most of the time, but tinged with frustration a lot and a bit of indifference and cynicism of course, ya know your usual young adult. Except I bit more Holden Caulfield than I should be at times. Except I’m not cool at all. Ha.

Significant Relationship

If NOT currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship

What specific characteristics do I want my ideal life partner to possess? (generosity, open-mindedness, funny, gentle, strong personality, quiet, organized, similar beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, etc, fun, honest, similar goals, attractive, playful, out-going, etc.)

I don’t care what they are just as long as they are MY MISSING PIECE hahaha. And we mesh perfectly together. And we have a mutual insight into one another emotionally, spiritually, etc.

Why do I want them to have those characteristics?

Because if it wasn’t like that the relationship would not exist.

How would I feel if I never had a life partner? Why would I feel that way?

I would be disturbingly alone, lonely, depressed and it would just be absurdly morbid. I would cry all day and night and live vicariously through my friends’ relationships.

Spiritual / Ethics

Do I believe in God? If not, how do I believe the universe operates? Why do I believe that?

I absolutely do. Christianity/Catholicism is not my cup of tea whatsoever, even though I’ve been brought up like that, but I took an interest in Unitarian Universalism and then just being “just spiritual” but as of now given everything, all my “research” and whatnot I like to call myself a Buddhist because that’s where I fit in the best.

How has my childhood effected my beliefs about God/or lack there of?

Not at all. Do you think I ever paid the slightest bit of attention in Religious Ed classes?

What characteristics do I believe God possesses? Why do I believe that?

He gives us all free will. The world is the way it is because we made it that way. God cannot magically make things happen, we have to try our best and then pray that all ends up well. Praying is all we can do. 

What is my relationship with this God/Universe?
Is it the relationship I want? Why or why not?

I mean, I should pray more that’s for sure. But I mean I always thought you didn’t need to since God is a ubiquitous being and whatnot. He knows what’s going on with me, and more about my life and myself than I do. But I think I could be more spiritual although I think of myself as a spiritualist---hence why I write. I write to hold a mirror up to life for other human beings. For myself and others to help find their way so to speak.

In what way does my spiritual beliefs effect my day-to-day life?

Well I should think about it more I would say. As I mentioned above. So that’s just a goal I have in mind for myself. 

Do I have a code of conduct that I follow? If no, do I want one? Why or why not? If yes, what is it and why those codes?

Yes I do, it’s not a formal, written out one but I would say my biggest thing is to be warm and welcoming to everyone you come across. Never burn bridges or write anyone off, that only screws you over and you will fiercely regret it later. And just, the golden rule and all that shit. And just integrity, don’t be fake. Say what you mean. Don’t sugarcoat. Own up to your bullshit.

Financial

What beliefs did I “take on” from my parents in regards to money? 

How crucial hard work is. My mom stressed that more than anything with me I would say. 

What does money mean/represent to me?
Success. And being in control of your life, having freedom to live your life the way you want.

Do I feel peaceful or anxiety in regards to money?
Why do I feel that way about it?

Anxiety as of right now. I am far too nervous spending cash when I don’t have a job. Hopefully this changes drastically very soon.

How much money do I feel I deserve to make a year? Why that amount?

A shitton. Because my writing is outraaaaageous! And I should be published! Haha.

What would it mean to me if I made more or less than that amount? Why do I believe that?

I mean, I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about money. But I’m more concerned with getting published and making a name for myself and shit than that. 

Career

What types of things did I enjoy doing as a child? Do I do anything today that has similar qualities to it?

Any games involving boatloads of imagination. Dress up. Playing in the mud. Bizarre shit.

How do I currently earn my livelihood? How did I come to be so employed?

Student. Jobless and broke.

What was present during the times I loved my work?
What were the elements present in those situations?

Never loved any job I had. Okay, swimming lessons I did for most of the time. Highly memorable children I worked with.

Am I currently doing the type of work I love to do?
If not, what type of work would I like to do?
If yes, what would have to change for me to enjoy it more?

Technically yes. I write and whatnot to the point of me neglecting my studies. Oops. But I always make sure I get by okay. I’d enjoy it more if I was professional and actually had goals and due dates for getting published and whatnot. 

What attitudinal change could I make to enjoy it more?

Don’t be a perfectionist, that’s what’s editing is for. Just keep speaking from your heart and let it flow. That’s all you can do in life in general. Don’t have a plan. Let your experiences and mindsets dictate where you go next. Planning ahead does not work for creative writing and poetry and shit. 

What has stopped me so far from pursuing the type of work I love? Do I want to continue allowing that to stop me? What could I do to change that?

What is my definition of success? (not Webster’s) that?

Personal

What skills have I acquired that I’m proud of?

Well I’m a bit better with anger management and not jumping to conclusions and flying off the handle when something instantly makes me upset/incensed/etc. In the past that’s screwed me over. Anger clouds your mind and makes you think things that may even be completely false. And I’ve matured a lot more. I don’t act as childish-nutty as last year for instance. Other people have pointed this out to me, so it feels good that it’s noticeable.  I guess I am, on the whole, more studious. I don’t want to play the ADHD card but I guess this year overall I’ve done a much better job of not letting it fuck things up for me. Although of course it happens from time to time. 

What accomplishments am I proud of?

My writing! Getting published tons of times throughout the years (in my high school paper and twice in my hometown newspaper) and the novel I’m writing that’s in the works, my collection of poetry I’ve complied, etc etc. It’s like all I do. Ha.

Beginning when I was a child, what are the 10 most significant events in my life? Why did I make them significant?

A lot, I suppose. How can I narrow it down to ten. I can’t think of ten off the top of my head.

What period of my life do I like most? Why?

Now because it’s the present mofo! And I’m so close to the “real world” and being completely autonomous. I love college, I truly do, it’s been life-changing but I’m ready to do my thing in the big world you know? West Hollywood bitches!

What period of my life do I like least? Why?

Probably high school. Looking back now, I have mixed feelings but there is more negative than positive. I was pretty miserable I must say. I mean I’ve been through some tough personal shit the past two years but most of it has been absolutely phenomenal and I’m grown so much stronger. High school made me into an intensely angry person, essentially, but I’ve totally let it all go I think!

What are five of my greatest strengths?

1. Writing/Imagination
2. Thoughtfulness
3. Empathy
4. Sense of humor
5. Loyalty 

What do I desire most right now? Why do I desire that?

Honestly, at the top of my list is a lovely girlfriend! I would put this even above success in writing. I just want someone whose just as into me as I am into them? 

But I cannot handle anymore bullshit and heartbreak. So right now I just have some innocent crushes/lustful feelings---nothing deep by any means. Faraway crushes so to speak, so I cannot get hurt. My kickboxing instructor/intern at the gym for the most part (I’m kind of obsessed...) and then I think this dancer my friends know is smoooooking hot as well and then this exchange student girl. But it’s nothing really at all.

If I was to receive an award, what would I want that award to be for? Why that?

My writing. Because it pretty much defines me.

If I was to pick out a general theme that showed up often while answering these questions, what would that theme be? What does it mean? How do I feel about that?

Probably my writing/passion/sense of self. How interpersonal and intrapersonal I am I suppose.