Whether you are gay, straight, bi, pansexual, transgender, whatever it doesn't fucking matter---love will always tear you apart into a million little pieces. Lust will too. And it certainly has for me and most of my friends.
I've never been in love, I believe for it to be love, it has to be mutual.
I pray that day comes for me and for everyone I know who hasn't found it yet. I'm stunned at how so many people get their heartbroken---and rejected. Such wonderful, splendid pleasant people! Including myself haha.
At the moment I am not hardcore lusting after anyone but I do think it was incredibly foolish of me to ask my roomie/friend to ask the girl to eat with us at lunch who I think is really hot. Perhaps that's a foolish idea. I need to prevent heartbreak. I know there's not much of the year left, but that doesn't matter. There are so many factors that can trigger a heart being obliterated. I tell myself "Yeah I'd love to be friends," but do I really mean it?
I don't know, it's better to be safe than sorry. Yes, I am fascinated by her just as I am about all girls that I've lusted over. Incredibly curious and want to get to know her. But then before I know it I could potentially be hooked. I cannot afford to do that.
Then again, whenever it HAS happened it's been entirely unanticipated. THAT'S when it hurts me and fucks me up like an overdose of heroin.
So if I fear this with this chick, then could it not happen?
I don't know, but you don't know a lot in life.
Does it even matter? My friends who know her well aren't too crazy about her. I have heard only bad things so I'm very wary. I feel sorry for her from it as well, I'm not going to lie. She seems like a lonely soul, and I always love to try to reach out to those who seem like they need someone (whether they like it or not) but I don't know, maybe that's just my inner shrink being released.
Now that I think about it, I know so many people, STRAIGHT people who have been outright rejected. Friends or just people I know. It stuns me! I came to the conclusion: love isn't easy even if you are straight and have more options. Two people coming together as one being is highly difficult to do. It's more likely to fizzle into oblivion then prosper.
I am highly cynical, but I mean, I'm telling myself girls are trouble. I'm just fine lusting from a distance which is what I'm currently doing I suppose...but still, I don't know. It gets old. I guess only time can tell. You cannot predict what'll happen. But maybe I should go to a fortune teller and TRY. Just kidding...sort of/not really.
My friends and I deserve significant others! Why is it taking us so long to have a fantastic, mind-blowing relationship?
The problem is probably the people at this school haha. I'm serious though.
All the hot girls are straight and even if they were lesbians a lot of them are straight up CRAY CRAY. And the guys are so damn sleazy and players and egomaniacs.
What is the deal with our generation?!
How are so many damn people in relationships?! It seems like the hardest thing in the world.
I fear for my meeting with my advisor tomorrow. She said: "I'm concerned about your progress in classes."
Huh? I have no grades on Blackboard anyway, but I know I am average to above average in everything. I am very solid this semester. What's the deal? Maybe she's "concerned" that it took me forever to get my classes taken care of with her.
It's such a mess. Where I went wrong: I waited too long to schedule an appointment with her to release my hold and thus, was unaware as to what day and time I was to register. Then I tried to contact my advisor about it---sent three or more emails, stopped by her office and I didn't have the faintest idea that she was gonna be gone...she was AWOL. So I freaked because I didn't want all of my classes to close up, and I know Dr. Deb whose fantastic and my Faculty in Residence and she did it for me. And clearly those two talked...Deb said "Oops I shouldn't have released your hold! She has some things to talk to you about." WTF. And my advisor said the same thing. Maybe she wants to check in? I don't know what to expect.
When I'm a teacher I will never leave a student in the dark like this. It's bullshit.
I pray things go well, or at least decently. I will apologize and explain myself, it's not even a big deal. Whatever, it's all about her ego I just know it. She's always given me the heebie jeebies, honestly. If things get jacked up, I will do everything in my power to switch advisors. Although is that possible? Is there another option in Secondary-English?
I just feel like my advisor doesn't believe in me.
She's gonna be so damn sorry. Everyone who never believed in me namely all those wretched teachers who made me want to be a teacher myself. I'll prove them all wrong.
They'll all be sorry when I'm a renowned writer and I have a lovely girlfriend living in Europe with our four children or something and dogs.
I fear for the future.
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