It's just all hurting me so much right now. I feel like I NEVER see my cousin now. My friend mentioned that to me that I rarely see her (it NEVER used to be like that) and it's true. I only get to hang out with her like Wednesdays for kickboxing. I miss her, I wonder if she misses me. I rarely even get to see my roommate and suitemate =( I just feel like things are getting worse and worse and even though there's only like two weeks left (less than that.) Something tonight just solidified all of this sadness for me.
I realized I do not see them as much as I used to...not even close. And it hurts really badly.  Things have changed so much in this way, and not in a good way. It's very unsettling. I have other friends obviously and I love them all to death as well, but to just suddenly not see a few of your other good friends for no apparent reason that is good just hurts me so much. 
The worst thing is I don't know if I'm reacting well...I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm just doing my own thing, trying my best to avoid uneasiness and shit and grin and bear it the last two weeks.
This scared the shit out of me. I truly realized tonight how this has been so painful for me. No one knows it, because I don't bring it up. 
I feel like I'm a completely separate entity on a whole different plane...unsure of what my next move will be. Just praying that I make it out alive.
I have so many questions.
I am glad I'm going to my therapist tomorrow.
Right now I feel like a worthless piece of dirt.
I cannot seem to shake that feeling. This feeling of being an outcast. A pariah.


Why do I have to be the one to wither away? Why does it have to be like that? Why is it like that? Why is it assumed that that way is the way it is? 


It is odd that I never talk about it. I can't though. 


Is it irrational and inexplicable that I feel like pain?


I'm entitled to it. I am not having a pity party. I just feel so lost and alone right now because of this situation, and now other unpleasant situations from the past are arising and haunting me. 


I wish I could release myself from the unpleasantness.


I'll never know what's going on. This summer should be very serene. I hope so. An entirely different world altogether.


I will write until I get carpal tunnel.


And try not to be sad.