Wow seriously fuck my life today. When it rains, it certainly pours motherfucker.
So much shit went wrong today and it's only like 2:00 PM.
>I bombed another fucking POP QUIZ in English. I usually get a 100 percent or a 0 on those annoying little shits. Sure I read---technically, but it's the pop quiz thing that screws me over. It's dreadful. So I'm gonna go in and talk to him because he wants me to do something to get points back. Wow, I'm stunned he has some empathy, he's such a haughty academic douchebag type.
This just goes to show that the most detrimental instances in my life were the ones that I executed, perfectly and wretchedly obliviously per usual, with my own two hands.
>My GHS teacher pegged my last write up as "late" just because I emailed it. But I believe I emailed it the day it was due. I feel so befuddled and defeated.
>He also said he wants to "talk with me about what I was reading" for my overnight write.
I DID NOT PLAGIARIZE.
Although, I am ashamed to admit I did it once in high school as a freshman. This is terrifyingly mortifying to admit now.
I got caught, the teacher was a douchebag, then he gave me a chance to redo it and I just disregarded it...foolish.
Tragically, I am still a fool, and it scares the shit out of me because I never realize it until the damage has been done.
And I may or may not be screwed in terms of classes for the fall. My advisor is all irate with me right now.
I think overall, I give off the impression that I don't care.
And okay, I don't. I'm ambivalent to the whole academic thing, and have been my whole life.
Sophomore year of high schol's when I truly got into severe trouble for it---I fucked up big time. There were countless other things that peaked my interest more.
Shouldn't we go after only one gets our juices flowing and what is invigorates us?
If we don't do that, we're not fucking living.
I am passionate about a few things of course...well many things actually, but this semester I've found even Literature and poetry and all the things I love under the umbrella of English to be excruciatingly tiresome and dull.
It's 'cuz when even things we love are put into an academic context, they become loathsome.
For me, that is the case at least.
What do grades mean? Not jack shit.
I will always uphold this belief of mine. Working hard is crucial in life, and one of the most admirable qualities one can possess, and no I may not work my ass off so to speak in classes, but in what I am passionate about, you can bet your ass I do. I write poems, prose, and have a whole collection of my poetry that I compiled, as well as a novel I'm nearly halfway done with. And about 21 pages of raps I've written. Yes, you read that correctly. Sick rhymes 'n lyrics! Haha.
Anyway, everything that appears to matter now will not even cross our minds in a blink of an eye. For instance, can I recall anything from math classes I used to take, like my Codes class for instance? Fuck no. It's a disturbing thought, too. The countless hours slaving away at trying to pass that class too.
What bullshit.
A lot of the world is bullshit, and sadly we have to endure it in order to find something more true.
I am not a nihilist, although I'm ambivalent to a lot of what's going on with me/the world/education.
Therein lies the paradox. I want to be a teacher. But I'm gonna teach kids the TRUTH about the world. No more conventional, conformist bullshit.
I'll stick to my existentialist guns and see into their souls and awaken their spirits, as I have been doing for myself for ages. Seriously though, the whole finding yourself process truly is enlightening. An inspiring. You just want to share it with everyone around you. I am going to be an educator who puts an ax to the obsolete and promote self-discovery and delving into humanity and of course, literature and shit which I actually want to teach for real.
I can only cling onto my hope and dream that someday I will be able to hold up in the air a New York Times bestseller that I've written and say, "Hey bitches I was a dreadful student---I was all oblivious, ADHD, and forgetful as hell---just a total hot mess. But look at me now! I failed every damn test and got mediocre to poor grades but I still did it!"
I do not believe in being one of those people who are scrambling to get their academic life together. What reason do I have to stress the fuck out for this? The only one I can see is my parents are paying for me to go here.
That's a very superficial reason though.
Aside from that, I've got nothing.
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