believe it or not

Believe it or not when something is very hard on me emotionally I will not always show it. I will even fool myself which terrifies me immensely. Have you ever witnessed in your life someone who is truly benevolent and just a decent human being getting fucked over for no apparent reason? There's no rhyme and reason for it. Of course. But life isn't fair right? But then that person feels incredibly stifled. They trust the ones they love and care about but there is one factor that makes them feel entirely shut out, despite what the situation is. 
For me, even in spite of any bullshit going on that fucks things up big time (but life isn't fair right?) I trust all of my friends entirely. There is no need for me to question anyone in my life that I care about. And that's the way that it should be. But there's always something right? Always something that makes it rocky then suddenly you feel like you're trapped under a thick sheet of ice desperately trying to crack a hole from underneath so you can breath and make your voice heard. Is it someone's fault? I don't know. But well, things take their course and you can only pray that you find the success you deserve. The good karma. It's ironic because everything for the most part is fantastic. I'm happy. Frantic about grades and shit and panicking up the wazoo, but what else is new? 
I'm at the point where I'm exasperated. I don't know what the hell to think anymore. And you know what? Most of the time I don't even give a shit. But there's still so much anger within me when good does not win out. Shitty things happen to good people. I refuse to feel worthless. I want to cry a lot when I think about it and that makes me want to question so much, but what does the world as a whole believe? Does evil always trump good in the long run in real life? After all this isn't some Disney flick.
Things are not always what they appear, though. I just am stunned as to how much this is affecting me. I wish it wasn't this much but it still stings a hell of a lot. This has been going on for ages now. Most of the time I don't acknowledge it. At this point, I REALLY shouldn't. I really shouldn't give a fuck. There's like two weeks left (or less than that) and I'm gonna be the fuck out of here.
I think I will write letters it's vital I get my perception there to get a full understanding. I am taking the high road, but that doesn't mean I'll be rewarded. Life doesn't work like that.
I feel like it's one thing after the next for me, pardon my cynicism. But there always seems to be something dreadfully painful or uncomfortable to endure and "get over". Always something to "blow over." Or in this case, not blow over. I'm not the bad guy. I'm not the villain. Not by any means in this situation. Then why do I feel like I'm being punished? It doesn't feel good. But life isn't fair. Who knows what the future holds, but whatever happens I'll always be true to myself and people may come and go but I'll always be true to myself. It's corny, but it makes perfect sense.
Life is never fair, but we deal. I always try to make the best out of a situation. Make a mountain out of a molehill. Certain things in life are highly irrational and absolutely ludicrous but we always find a way right?
I've been working out so much these days just because I have so much anger and frustration these days. Summer will bring a whole new environment (literally because I have a new job.)I'm going to work myself crazy, finish my book, take my summer English classes, see concerts hopefully, maybe even Chelsea Handler if I'm lucky and just provide myself with a clean slate. And thank God for writing. 


I just want to cry right now. The certain situation I talked about above, when it arises makes me want to just sob alone in my bed hugging my teddy bear...that kind of sobfest. Not a pity party, just letting it all out. We're all entitled to that whenever the need arises. The worst thing we could do is bottle it all up. 


There is always hope though right? For everything. My friend's roommate this summer is a lesbian actually and she showed me a picture and she is HOT. So smoking hot. Of course she has a girlfriend because all the good ones are taken (straight, gay, bi, whatever) but this gives me so much hope. And Evan Rachel Wood is bi. I was so excited. It's not like I want to date her (that's absurdly unrealistic obviously) it just gives me HOPE.


And maybe this hope can spread all around to all areas of my life.