I'M OBSCENELY OBSESSED.

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same
No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same
If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you're a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

Hmmm

Well I'm in a great mood today! Not that I wasn't this past week. I've just been mostly ambivalent. Yesterday was an excellent day though, for the most part.

If I didn't have finals hovering over my head as well as money problems (last time I tried to order something online my credit card was declined. What the hell my dad put about 800 dollars on there in the beginning of the year, there is NO way in hell i spent all of that! Ugh FUCK MY LIFE) then I'd be one collected, happy camper.

Roller Coaster of Emotions: Why does Evolving have to be so difficult?

I really despise roller coasters of emotions. I think this year I learned more lessons than I ever have my entire life. Because I technically, more or less, saw my life flash before my eyes. Not to sound melodramatic. But I mean, things this year thus far really, truly shook me up.


I want to make changes in my life to myself. I already have seen so many positive changes in myself however---I work so much harder this year---my work ethic is far more impressive this year as opposed to last year. I am much more mature. I know when it's time to get away, get to the library and get down to business.


However, my tendency to get involved in gossip and bullshit like that---well that's something I'm working on now. I know I am capable of not only making a change, but a DRAMATIC change. Absolutely. I'm currently doing it. 


I am taming my enormous mouth.


Anyway, I wish I had my life together better. Things are moving so slowly yet simultaneously very fast in college. After college, I am going to take off right to San Fransisco...or West Hollywood. Very terrifying. Mom's gonna either throw a fit, bust an artery or laugh wildly in my face.


But I mean, it's my life? And I will be a far more mature adult then. Maybe by then she will understand I will need Cali for find love and a LIFE in general that meets my needs. But I mean, first I'd need a job there. Man, if I can find a job somewhere even remotely near West Hollywood or San Fran, the two biggest gay towns EVER boy will I be hitting the jackpot! Damn, that reminds me I still need to get rid of that damn voodoo doll!


If I want to have any luck in the future, I need to do that when I get back...pronto! And I will RENT an apartment since I'll be dirt poor. A nice bohemian loft...ha yeah right. Hopefully by the time I graduate I would have published a book by then...the one I'm currently working on. And intend to finish over my month home for Winter Break...in two weeks. 


It doesn't even need to be a big time publisher, I'm not expecting that whatsoever. But if I can get some decent royalties from it, then I will be so thankful I will drop dead! And if a book tour is subsequent to all of this? I will be...speechless. If this all happens in my lifetime, then maybe I can achieve what I truly want out of my life and what I feel is my destiny...to not only write, but to use my writing to reach out to other gay people---to be an activist through my writing. To show everyone, people gay and straight, "Hey it's NO BIG DEAL THAT YOU'RE GAY! WHO THE FUCK CARES? LIVE YOUR LIFE, 'CUZ IT'LL END SOONER THAN YOU THINK!" Okay, that last part is morbid but life flies by.


Which is good, I think. 


What I need to work on in myself:
1) My scarlet letter that is G. Gossip. Engaging in it, spilling secrets, telling stories and naturally getting things all mixed up as I tend to do. And to just stop talking about others in a negative manner---even if my friends may agree with me about something. I just need to cleanse myself. 
2) My organization. Or lack thereof. Ugh, I left my room in complete shambles. I'm a wretched roommate! =( I need to get my shit together Sunday evening before I finish my homework, that's for certain. 
3) To not be stupid. Learn basic life skills. I'm on the road to autonomy, so I mind as well start getting things down pat. Life skills.
4) To realize there's far more good than bad in my life. MUCH more. So I should be HAPPY!!!!!

Good people who do bad things

I have been one of these people. Not for a long time, by any means. But I obliviously ran my mouth and said incredibly imbecilic things. I felt like I was a monster to everyone around me.


It was frightening to me how I unknowingly hurt some of the people I care about most.


I can't help but wonder...will things ever be the same again? Or are they already back to normal? Can we all bounce back that quickly? 


My lack of self-awareness was revolting.


I am absolutely floored that I was seemingly forgiven so rapidly. Maybe it was because I have proven how sincerely sorry I am. 

I have a huge mouth and cannot keep secrets. I spilled a lot of things I shouldn't, not thinking I was doing anyone any harm.

I think things are indeed back to normal, except there will be that tiny little...glint in the back of their minds, that skepticism. They will possibly filter things out to me...until I can prove to them they can trust me with those kinds of things again. I KNOW I can prove myself to be a trustworthy person again. And I WILL.

I absolutely DETEST how people say "gay" and "lesbian" in a manner that insinuates we're an entirely different species or something, something completely apart from the human race. It's disturbing. Trust me people, gay, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders are NOT any different from you heterosexuals. We go through the same exact hardships. We are not martians. Just because I prefer girls over guys does not mean we won't have anything in common. All of my friends are straight. Yes, that's right: ALL. Yes, I have gay and lesbian acquaintances but I mean, yes it would be really nice to have someone I'm truly close to who is the same sexual orientation as me, but I mean, it's cool. One of my friends is bicurious so she can definitely relate to me...she's had crushes on girls in the past. She definitely prefers men, and is with a guy now, but it doesn't matter to me. She can relate on some level. And that makes me feel SO much better. However, what it boils down to is that it doesn't matter ONE BIT to me. Namely because all of my friends are ENTIRELY accepting. Some may not UNDERSTAND fully but that's okay, I mean I've never been with a girl before...when I do (if?!) I date someone hopefully in the NEAR future, they will be obscenely supportive and be cheering me on, no doubt about it! Then they will get it. They will realize that I am the STRAIGHTEST LESBIAN THEY WILL EVER MET.
I am though! I love to talk about guys that my friends are interested in with them, for starters. Weird? No just empathetic I like to think! =)
I will always give them boy advice as well. I mean, they're probably very skeptical when it comes to ME giving advice on that subject, but it's okay, I guess I primarily do it because a) I want to help and b) I have an opinion about EVERYTHING. Even things I know nothing about. But I mean, I feel like I'm a good judge of character and I firmly believe guys are very uncomplicated. They are not hard to figure out. Girls, on the other hand...

Oh Madonna

Laugh to Keep from Crying

Madonna

I can't lock my door

Oh, I don't have no privacy

The only thing that's mine

Is what's inside of me

When I've had enough

A little voice inside

It says you've got to be tough

You've got to take it in stride

Sometimes I am foolish

I let it get the best of me

At least I know that my mistakes

Are my responsibility

And

[Chorus:]

I just have to laugh to keep from crying

I just have to laugh to keep from crying

I don't have a dime

Oh, to buy those pretty things

But I hear all the evidence

You know it all sounds the same

But I'm still waiting

I've got my hands open wide

You know my dream isn't fading

I keep it hidden inside

Oh

[chorus]

I just have to laugh to keep from crying

I keep on trying

My friends don't understand

Oh, they think I've lost my mind

And I'm choking back the tears

I've got to swallow my pride

[chorus]

I just have to laugh, ah

La, ah

Lo, oh

La, ah

Unfinished

In the Eyes of the Sincere Smile

Glistening white teeth like an oyster with a pearl

Frosted aqua eyes drenched with years of cryptic agony

A chattering girl in lust---sniggers as his lip curls

You twirled, strawberry blonde tresses bouncing

Why are you announcing an absurdity?

The remorse will hit you when it draws to 

A close with a clash

They're both left with a gash

Index to epiglottis

More blood, now clot 

This mental indent

Time poorly spent

Frozen in torment

A cage that hit the floor of the ocean 




to be continued when i'm not on the verge of falling asleep. . . 

THERE IS INDEED A HOT FEMININE LESBIAN OUT THERE!

Amen for Chely Wright, country singer. Thank you for coming out!!!!!!! I do believe she was at Chicago's Pride this past summer...too bad I didn't see her there!

J'adore French women!

Emmanuelle Chriqui---she's the drop-dead gorgeous, stunning and endearing actress that could trump Megan Fox any day...and she has on many Hot People lists and whatnot. Take my word for it. Or Google it!

cheryl cole picture of the day!

SHE IS SOOOOOOO HOT IN GLASSES!!!!!!!!
GAHHHH ORGASMIC!!!!!!!!

MY list of the top 10 most beautiful women evaaaa

In no particular order: 1. Audrey Tautou 

2. January Jones

3. Vivien Leigh

4. Cheryl Cole

5. Lucy Liu

6. Frieda Pinto

7. Rachel McAdams

8. Olivia Wilde

9. Ann Margaret

10. Jane Fonda

 

The most beautiful women who ever lived according to Unconventional World Records

I ardently agree with the MAJORITY of these. 

These are in no particular order either.

DOWNY BETTY! Skit I have thus far

DOWNY BETTY
"The Library Excursion on a Brisk Spring Day"

Grandma Flo: Come on kids, the library's right this way! Georgie, hold on to your Auntie Betty's hand now. You can't cross streets on your own! You're only a preteen! And Bertha get your finger out of your nose. What are you, digging for gold? This ain't no California Gold Rush, girl!

Bertha: I'm just hungry! And I need to do something with my fingers since I don't have texting anymore!

Georgie: Don't worry, I think you do PLENTY with your fingers.

(Bertha shoots him a withering stare.)

Grandma Flo: Okay whippersnappers, go to town! Run amuck and find something to replenish your mind after those god-awful The Loose Women of Ill-Repute of the Atlantic City Boardwalk reruns.

Georgie: In Ms. Box's Literature class, we're learning about this Swedish author named Dan Andersson who has some swell poems that I dig very much! He is such an inspiration to me! I love both writing and the Swedes! 

Betty: Isn't he that bloke who died at a place called Hotel Hellman because the negligent, indolent hotel staff hadn't properly cleaned up the hydrogen cyanide they had sprayed to kill the bed bugs in his room?

Bertha: Uh, well, I don't know. . .we only just started learning about his works. We haven't really discussed his life yet.

Georgie: Ooh, Sweden, they had that lesbian chick for a Queen once right? Queen Christina of Sweden?

Betty: Wasn't she that queen that was exiled from Sweden and then not long after she fell morbidly ill and when she finally did recover she contracted pneumonia and a frighteningly high fever? Then she rapidly died.

Bertha: Um...that's really depressing Aunt Betty. I don't know if that's true or not...

Georgie: That is a real bummer. 

Grandma Flo: Okay...let's move on then perhaps? How about "The Colossus and Other Poems"? It's one of Sylvia Plath's finest works! Gee, was she a brilliant young writer or what?

Bertha: Oh yes, we read the Bell Jar in class! I thought of Esther Greenwood as the female version of Holden Caulfield!

Georgie: Oh yeah, I haven't read it but I heard that! How funny! 

Betty: Didn't Sylvia Plath die from carbon monoxide poisoning by committing suicide by sticking her head in her gas oven?

Grandma Flo: What in tarnation? You must be pulling my leg! Okay kids, let's try...um...Dickens anyone? "A Tale of Two Cities" is a classic!

TO BE CONTINUED. 

Dose of Sylvia

Child

Your clear eye is the one absolutely beautiful thing.
I want to fill it with color and ducks,
The zoo of the new
Whose names you meditate ---
April snowdrop, Indian pipe,
Little
Stalk without wrinkle,
Pool in which images
Should be grand and classical
Not this troublous
Wringing of hands, this dark
Ceiling without a star.

Highlight of yesterday. . .

I saw the HOT HOT HOT HOT smoking HOT HOT HOT HOT instructor I had at the gym a few nights ago. Too bad we didn't end up going to that class Tuesday night...damn it! Anyway, I nearly ran smack dab into her. Then we made eye contact. Her hair was kind of poofed. Teased even. I APPROVE. And then I ran into her again when I was walking back to my room. Trust me, I could tell from behind it was her!!!! If you catch my drift. And DAMN this girl can DANCE. It was a dance-esque workout the other night. She has serious moves. That is all. She'd be a great pole dancer! Just kidding, she seems far too classy for that.

On a lighter note...

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.  
~Norm Papernick

Guilt

It can be knowing that you can never take back wretched things that you have uttered. You know deep down you didn't mean it but that doesn't hurt the person any less. Thus, you feel like a malicious, contemptuous monster. That's how I feel now. I had yet another rude awakening last night. When will I get it? I need to make some changes within myself. Self-improvement. I scored so damn high on that self-actualization survey in my class that one day, this is so paradoxical. 


I know I can earn back the trust of some of the people I love and care about the most in the world. They are my family away from home. I did each and every one of them wrong...well the majority of them. 


I should be a pariah. If the shoe fits. 


The only person who can change my detrimental ways is myself. My paranoia, my venting, which initially I thought was only venting and bouncing ideas off of people in order to desperately seek advice and additional opinions, which ended up blatantly being shit talking, my insecurities...all so unwarranted. Being alone with my mind and figuring out a plan of action is the best thing that I can do. 


Well, my dirty laundry has reared its enormous, ugly head.


I used to always cackle wildly about my "word vomit"...but it's not funny. Spilling mortifying secrets of your friends is despicable. And saying horrible things in addition to that is just as bad if not worse. I should go a week with duct tape over my mouth. 


I truly should give it a whirl. Because if I don't, I will be left with no one but myself in this world, and no love.


They said they forgave me, to my shock----I thought I didn't deserve it, not yet at least. They have forgiven but are cautious with me in terms of what to tell me...they filter themselves. That killed me. But I brought it on myself. They haven't forgotten. And they shouldn't. It all came back to bite me in the ass like a livid piranha. I pray that starting now I can rebuild the trust---and earn it. It won't come easy I know but I know I can get there. I will be a changed woman! I believe in second chances for those you love. Those who you can't imagine your life without. 


Well, I will finish this later. Other shit is summoning me currently. . .