Are you a fan of "Catcher in the Rye", one of the best coming of age, stream of consciousness stories known to humanity? Well in any case, stay tuned y'alls my new and improved Holden Poem will be written and posted by either tonight super late or tomorrow sometime either before or after my therapy session---yes, I go to a shrink...well more like a counselor or sorts, I don't know what to call her. It's great though, I look forward to it every wweek! I rant about my life and get advice about what I'm doing wrong, right, things of that nature. And how I can solve the trivial problems in my life. And then me and my therapist talk about strategies so I can conquer my anxiety issues.
If I were to be asked the question, "What do you MOST HATE about yourself?" I would instantly retort, "My anxiety." Sometimes the bell jar comes catapulting much too close to my cranium for no apparent reason at all. I've become very astute and shrewd with identifying my emotions and whatnot, however. So I suppose that's progress. However, last year I was anxious far less than this year...hmmm then again maybe that's not true. Last year when I did have anxiety attacks they would be serious and last quite a long time and be exceptionally painful triggering severe nausea, this year they are more frequent but very manageable and I don't get as nauseous---ironically I've had plenty of anxious moments this year where I don't feel nauseous at all! It's miraculous! So I feel like in a way it's getting significantly better? Or am I just far too desperately searching for a silver lining? I don't know, it's weird shit. Last year my anxiety attacks would be about girls. ONLY. This year, they are about NONEXISTENT things, quite frankly. Like it drives me nuts when I feel anxious but have NO reason to be. I mean I NEVER have a reason to be. I always feel like the root of it is my homosexuality and all...but I don't know. Yeah I haven't ENTIRELY come to terms with it yet, but it's okay I'm only 19. I'm stuck in the college bubble, with a metaphorical electric fence topped with barbed wire encompassing me. When I set foot in the real world, let's hope I flourish and take it by storm mofo!
Anyway, yeah it's truly aggravating and agonizingly frustrating when I feel the least bit anxious about literally NOTHING for NO APPARENT REASON. Do you ever feel like that? Worry nonstop and then be like "Shit, what is this feeling in the pit of my stomach? What even spurred this?" It's not okay.
When it happens I just want to be in my bed at home. That's all I want. And I'm someone who craves adventure and NEEDS a million different places on my bucket list in order to keep things spiced up. Heaven forbid I immerse myself in an abyss of tedium! I couldn't do that. I had the revelation quite recently, if we do unexceptional things here on Earth, then damn, we're going to be going to our grave full of remorse! Well as much remorse as a cadaver could possibly have. Ha!
That's why I try to do and say bizarre, memorable things in order to remember it thirty years from now and whip out a slew of enthralling and uproarious anecdotes just for the sake of saying what CRAZY FUCKING SHIT I DID! I can only hope. My life is uneventful now but I do have a few potentially earth-shattering things...
1. I'm a lesbian in a fairly conservative yet rather open-minded college in a red state. STICKING OUT LIKE A DAMN SORE THUMB. There's plenty of gay guys here, let me tell you but lesbians...either I'm like the only effing one or others are hella hard to spot! ACTUALLY THAT MADE ME THINK OF AN ANECDOTE. KIND OF. Well you see, I was talking to this girl this past summer (which I am deeply, profoundly rueful about! EW. SICK. WHY DID I GO THERE?! Oh wait, I'm horny!) Well I led her on hardcore, and I told myself I would never be like that. She got obsessive, clingy, and blew up my texts on my phone and Facebook chat, so after two weeks I cut her ass off. Besides she radiated far too much masculinity for MY taste. I like dainty, feminine girls! Like myself. Okay, maybe I'm not dainty. But I'm on the short side, not morbidly obese by any means, and feminine. I am the straightest lesbian you will ever meet. I will talk about boys and shit with my friends and give them "advice" about men (or whatever you want to call the opinions and psychobabble that comes out of my mouth). I may be a tad off my rocker with a few screws loose but I am street smart! My cronies can cackle like hyenas all they want! You know who I'm talking about! They may even be perusing this for some god-for-saken reason at the moment but anyway, I know shit because I am a keen, fervent observer. I am, trust me!
Let's see here. I mean, I've committed just about every fucking faux pas that exists on this planet so I think after about six or seven incidents of committing the same morally questionable, eyebrow-raising act I considered it a lesson learned. It takes a plethora of scandalous times to shake me up, but by God it rattles my cage eventually!
Anyway, where was I? Oh right, so this girl who was cyberstalking me over the summer, boy was I grateful we weren't at school at the time so then I wouldn't have that bitch knocking at my window at like 2 in the morning or whatever breathing heavily waiting to rape me. I'd take my whiffle bat to her ass. Except she is about twenty times (or more) beefier than me (she boasted to me about how much she "pumps iron." Wow I was a fatuous space cadet foolish imbecile to think she was feminine. Facebook pictures are deceiving. She wasn't even the least bit appealing. Or attractive...that's what I meant.) Okay, that was low and harsh. My bad. But I'm picky! I've liked TONS of girls, trust me, but of course they were all as straight as an arrow which always took me down a few notches. Well more than a few. Hey, it's not my fault that the only damn lesbians in this world are butch girls! Yes, that's harsh too but if I wanted to fuck someone who looked like a man, then I'd fuck a MAN. No offense but really. There needs to be far more lipstick/femmes in the world. Then I'd be getting so much ass!
Seriously though gay guys are as HOT AS A FLICKERING INFERNO (Boy, I really love that word) and lesbians...gee wilikers, holy crow, I don't even know! When I get to San Fran or West Hollywood I'll let you know. I do scads of research though.
But anyway, the point of my opus...my stalker told me of this lesbian friend of hers who she knows who goes to our school, so naturally I look her up on Facebook and she is quite honestly drop dead gorgeous. She has long chestnut hair, glistening, glowing hazelnut eyes, a great body, a metallic smile that will just melt your heart, etc...holy shit I just described myself. JAY-KAY! My teeth are too small for me to have a great smile. And my eyes are just straight up brown, not hazel. And my hair is more blondish with wretched roots at the moment. Anyway moving on. . .
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