Guilt

It can be knowing that you can never take back wretched things that you have uttered. You know deep down you didn't mean it but that doesn't hurt the person any less. Thus, you feel like a malicious, contemptuous monster. That's how I feel now. I had yet another rude awakening last night. When will I get it? I need to make some changes within myself. Self-improvement. I scored so damn high on that self-actualization survey in my class that one day, this is so paradoxical. 


I know I can earn back the trust of some of the people I love and care about the most in the world. They are my family away from home. I did each and every one of them wrong...well the majority of them. 


I should be a pariah. If the shoe fits. 


The only person who can change my detrimental ways is myself. My paranoia, my venting, which initially I thought was only venting and bouncing ideas off of people in order to desperately seek advice and additional opinions, which ended up blatantly being shit talking, my insecurities...all so unwarranted. Being alone with my mind and figuring out a plan of action is the best thing that I can do. 


Well, my dirty laundry has reared its enormous, ugly head.


I used to always cackle wildly about my "word vomit"...but it's not funny. Spilling mortifying secrets of your friends is despicable. And saying horrible things in addition to that is just as bad if not worse. I should go a week with duct tape over my mouth. 


I truly should give it a whirl. Because if I don't, I will be left with no one but myself in this world, and no love.


They said they forgave me, to my shock----I thought I didn't deserve it, not yet at least. They have forgiven but are cautious with me in terms of what to tell me...they filter themselves. That killed me. But I brought it on myself. They haven't forgotten. And they shouldn't. It all came back to bite me in the ass like a livid piranha. I pray that starting now I can rebuild the trust---and earn it. It won't come easy I know but I know I can get there. I will be a changed woman! I believe in second chances for those you love. Those who you can't imagine your life without. 


Well, I will finish this later. Other shit is summoning me currently. . .