Don't you profoundly DETEST those days where everything seems to be going somewhat swimmingly and then you suddenly, out of the blue feel so undervalued? Everyday I strive to be more selfless, less narcissistic and look out for my friends and family first. If they're all content, then so am I! Well, most of the time. Euphoria is contagious after all. If you are just teeming with glee then chances are it will encroach upon others as well. God, encroach comes with such negative connotations. But naturally, I clearly mean it in the best manner possible.
Sometimes in life we feel terribly, wretchedly worthless, unappreciated and no more important than a clump of mud on the sidewalk. Is it because I'm an attention whore? I like to think I matured a bit more than believing the world revolves around me. But I honestly despise people sometimes. Everyone can be so detrimentally hypocritical, so blatantly too. I hope I am appreciated to some degree by everyone that knows me. I have always been one to do very thoughtful things for others...simple, little things. But I feel as if it goes unnoticed all of the time. Maybe I don't do it as much as I thought. I try so hard to make others feel special too though. Even in a manner as simple as bringing up something they did that was hilariously unforgettable or something along those lines.
I can remember every seemingly trivial detail of my life...but the significant things, I cannot recall. Maybe these alleged trivial aspects are not so trivial after all? We cannot help what impacts us the most in our lives.
I know it sounds dreadful, but I wonder what all of my friends would think if I fell off the face of the Earth? What if I vanished into thin air sans any kind of warning whatsoever? What would they say? Would they try contacting me?
I hope someday I can truly impact someone's life in a positive way. Not in a..."Oh that Clare, what an airhead...remember when she did THIS outrageously imbecilic thing?!?!" Not just my future students, but people in my life. Will I ever have a love life? Right now things are so bleak and dim. I can't focus if my life depended on it. I need to get OUT. Not home, not just off campus...I need to go to a raging, fiercely alive, cosmopolitan, free-spirited area of the world. Wherever. I know such a place exists. San Fran preferably. There I can be as wild and unabashed as I want to be...and I don't have to hide anything! I feel like here day in and day out, I will always be hiding a part of me subconsciously. I love it here, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I am the only one of me here.
I want to life in a loft somewhere, go to lesbian bars every night, drink scrumptious fruity alcohol beverages, take organic drugs, dance on a pole with barely any clothes on, anything to make me feel ALIVE. I just feel so numb. I cannot do routine. I feel like I'm drifting on unflinchingly like an empty shell amid the encircling hullaballoo. I need to do something extreme and dangerous and severe too. To see how the people I love would react. I know they all care about me, but I still remain skeptical. How much value to I have in all my friends' life?
The worst thing in life is having so many people put others before you. When you initially thought you were a huge element of their life. Then you feel absolutely fatuously, mortified. Oh, they don't find me as crucial in their life as I do with them.
I think it's so important to put others before yourself. I hope I am doing a somewhat decent job at it! I think I have really made strides in the listening-to-others department. I just want others to do the same to me too. Well all my friends...well most of them are great listeners and will listen to my babble but I don't know...I want to be taken seriously. I am not a serious person though so I guess it's hard.
Is this all stemming from my sexuality issues? I don't think so. Yeah, I think about that ceaselessly however, it's more frustration than acceptance of myself. I feel like I'm entangled in vines underneath a glass case.
I can't help but wonder...will I ever be dreadfully important to someone someday? Like to someone who cannot NOT have me in their life? Like to the point of them feeling empty inside if we have a squabble?
I don't think Thanksgiving break will enlighten me or soothe my restless mind. Mom bellowed to me how I have "so much work to do" this upcoming week in terms of pounding the pavement to find a job for this winter break as well as the summer. I'm terrified to go home. Well at least I never wrote her that letter begging her to stop being in denial that I'm a lesbian. I will do that someday though.
Well I guess that just about sums up my trains of thought at this very moment in time. I fucking hate people who are not thoughtful. I wish everyone did the same for you as you do for them. Well, my mindset is I'm going to keep what I'm doing, and make as many positive alterations to my character as possible and pray someday a pleasant surprise will come. It doesn't take that much to please me honestly. I'm not that difficult of a human being. I just thrive on attention, that is my downfall. And I'm very emotive. Currently, a very emotive, useless, abandoned little trinket. One of those shitty little objects that is unidentifiable that you find at flea markets or at the bottom of a box or at the dump.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm going to take it upon myself to say to people who I love, "You know what, I truly appreciate you more than you know! Without you, my life would be far less exciting and meaningful."
There is nothing more important in our lives than the interactions we have with others. That gives us all of our anecdotes, memories, and positive energy and feelings.
Sometimes you need a positive influence from another in order to bring yourself up a few notches. You can't change your day around all by yourself a lot of the time.
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