I really despise roller coasters of emotions. I think this year I learned more lessons than I ever have my entire life. Because I technically, more or less, saw my life flash before my eyes. Not to sound melodramatic. But I mean, things this year thus far really, truly shook me up.
I want to make changes in my life to myself. I already have seen so many positive changes in myself however---I work so much harder this year---my work ethic is far more impressive this year as opposed to last year. I am much more mature. I know when it's time to get away, get to the library and get down to business.
However, my tendency to get involved in gossip and bullshit like that---well that's something I'm working on now. I know I am capable of not only making a change, but a DRAMATIC change. Absolutely. I'm currently doing it.
I am taming my enormous mouth.
Anyway, I wish I had my life together better. Things are moving so slowly yet simultaneously very fast in college. After college, I am going to take off right to San Fransisco...or West Hollywood. Very terrifying. Mom's gonna either throw a fit, bust an artery or laugh wildly in my face.
But I mean, it's my life? And I will be a far more mature adult then. Maybe by then she will understand I will need Cali for find love and a LIFE in general that meets my needs. But I mean, first I'd need a job there. Man, if I can find a job somewhere even remotely near West Hollywood or San Fran, the two biggest gay towns EVER boy will I be hitting the jackpot! Damn, that reminds me I still need to get rid of that damn voodoo doll!
If I want to have any luck in the future, I need to do that when I get back...pronto! And I will RENT an apartment since I'll be dirt poor. A nice bohemian loft...ha yeah right. Hopefully by the time I graduate I would have published a book by then...the one I'm currently working on. And intend to finish over my month home for Winter Break...in two weeks.
It doesn't even need to be a big time publisher, I'm not expecting that whatsoever. But if I can get some decent royalties from it, then I will be so thankful I will drop dead! And if a book tour is subsequent to all of this? I will be...speechless. If this all happens in my lifetime, then maybe I can achieve what I truly want out of my life and what I feel is my destiny...to not only write, but to use my writing to reach out to other gay people---to be an activist through my writing. To show everyone, people gay and straight, "Hey it's NO BIG DEAL THAT YOU'RE GAY! WHO THE FUCK CARES? LIVE YOUR LIFE, 'CUZ IT'LL END SOONER THAN YOU THINK!" Okay, that last part is morbid but life flies by.
Which is good, I think.
What I need to work on in myself:
1) My scarlet letter that is G. Gossip. Engaging in it, spilling secrets, telling stories and naturally getting things all mixed up as I tend to do. And to just stop talking about others in a negative manner---even if my friends may agree with me about something. I just need to cleanse myself.
2) My organization. Or lack thereof. Ugh, I left my room in complete shambles. I'm a wretched roommate! =( I need to get my shit together Sunday evening before I finish my homework, that's for certain.
3) To not be stupid. Learn basic life skills. I'm on the road to autonomy, so I mind as well start getting things down pat. Life skills.
4) To realize there's far more good than bad in my life. MUCH more. So I should be HAPPY!!!!!
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