Sexuality Chatter

I used to have pangs of dejection from it frequently. A lot less now, but I am still coming to terms that I am same-sex oriented, honestly. I was in a paralyzingly severe stage of denial from 7th grade to like senior year of high school. That's a fucking long time! It kind of hit me like a semi last year, freshman year of college. It was terrifying. I feel like I was truly discovering myself so very late in the game. And I felt like I was the only one of me in the entire world. Especially when I had landed on such a deeply heterosexual campus. I was a martian. I have always felt different but I didn't realize why until last year.

So this explains why I was madly in love with my very young, easy on the eyes Science and Math teacher in 5th grade I had thought. . .looking back it's somewhat humorous, actually. I had such passionate feelings for her, but I didn't realize until much, much later what they meant. Especially because at the time I did have a crush on a boy. I liked boys from about 2nd grade to early 7th grade. Then it rapidly transitioned into girls. I was certainly a deer in the headlights! I had no idea what was going on. I had never felt such a sexual desire before in my life! I had been hoodwinked. And the semi-love letter I wrote another beloved teacher, a young Hispanic beauty in 8th grade didn't even put up a red flag whatsoever. I merely grinned from ear to ear when OTHER teachers INCLUDING her showered me with compliments about my "beautiful writing" and that it "nearly brought them to tears." At that time I was also pretty blind as to where my real talents resided. Not on the basketball court as I had hoped, not behind a microphone...my skill lie in a notebook, with a ballpoint pen resting by its side.

I've never had anybody. Sure I've been on dates with boys in the past, but they have made me want to put a bullet to my brain. They always had me thinking THIS IS SO WRONG! Especially since I felt as if I was leading them on. I tried though. I gave it a whirl, and it certainly wasn't for me. I could never in a million years see myself going out with another guy. I like guys though, don't get me wrong. They are far less drama than women, tragically. Which makes me wonder...me plus another woman hopped up on estrogen and emotions, how would that truly work out? Well, I suppose like any other couple in the world. If it works out, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I cannot fathom the sexual desires my friends feel toward men, but to empathize and take a stroll in their mental shoes, I picture what I feel for girls every day of my life. Then I get it.

It's harder for me, but I took a vow that I'm not going to blubber about it anymore. I'm not going to complain bitterly anymore. I am not going to be a Debbie Downer or a Downy Betty or an acerbic, cynical, limpid-eyed monster. 
I'm just going to be ambitious and focus on what's far more vital than my love life, or lack thereof. 
When something happens, it will happen naturally and when you least expect it. That's what a friend of mine always tells me. You just cannot sit there anticipating it. Occupy your mind with other notions. That's why I drove myself bloody mad last year---I would try. Really hard. I was in the most enormous rut of my life: lusting over straight girls who had no interest in me, let alone our GENDER. I was a fool, but you can't help who you have wildly, fervently amorous feelings for. And I've given up on scoping out for lesbians because my gaydar doesn't work worth a damn, in fact it's nonexistent. Gaydar is fallacious anyway, I firmly believe. It's far too relative! Everything is up in the air. Just because someone possesses a stereotypically homosexual attribute doesn't mean they aren't as straight as a two by four. So I've told myself pessimistically there are NO lesbians here and that I need to get my ass to Cali ASAP. I will pull an on the road and trek there with me, myself and I. Looking for love with a barrel-ful of dreams. God, that sounds like a recycled rom com screenplay.