I need to write a poem about this or something.

I feel so ashamed. I KNOW she found it awkward and weird and uncomfortable, in spite of what she said. =( I sobbed this morning in the shower. I want to be back to my happy self. I need an appetite back as well.

But I won't hold my breath.

I can't lose her as a friend. I hope she wants to hold onto our friendship.

I have a few last things to say to her that I forgot to say last night because I was such an emotional wreck.

Why was it awkward and weird? =( I'm not awkward. I'm not that kind of weird. I was just doing what I had to do to life the weight from my shoulders. But I WAS an emotional wreck.

I don't want to become a pariah here.

I need to chat with her alone, if I am able to obtain her emotional support, then I will be able to get over it faster. That's the ideal goal. I spoke these same words to my friend last year who I liked.

I don't want to feel like I'm some disgusting being. Some revolting scum of the Earth.

Right now I feel lower than low. I'm trying not to cry again. I feel inferior. I feel subhuman.

I need divine intervention. 

I'm going to call KB or CF or MC or LH later and cry to them. They will have a neutral point of you and great advice as always. I need another opinion.

I feel so alone right now! Why do I? 

I need to hear the words from her, "I promise this won't change or effect our friendship at all!"

I FEEL SO SELF-CONSCIOUS RIGHT NOW.

I feel like maybe I should write her a letter. MAYBE. But I have to chat with her first. I am shaking now I am so scared.

I am not trying to be melodramatic but I feel like such an emotional wreck still. I need to continue to get my mind off of this bullshit. 

I shouldn't be ashamed for my feelings. I shouldn't have to feel like a scum of the Earth.

NO ONE CAN HELP THEIR FEELINGS. YOU CANNOT HELP YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR WHO YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO.

I do not regret saying anything though. Not one bit.

I need some reassurance from her that she won't be trying to steer clear of me now. 

I want nothing more than to maintain this wonderful friendship. Deep down, I know I do not want anything more. It would be hazardous. It would fail miserably. It's not right. My right person is out there somewhere. My right woman.

I think I caught a cold, I'm shivering, trembling.

I feel so weak. 

What can I do?

I feel repugnant. 

I truly think this will soon enough, I pray, only strengthen our friendship.

I need to stop being quiet and worrisome and...

There's nothing more that I need right now than her support. Only she can help me through these feelings.

Other friends are great to discuss with and get advice and other opinions from however, only she can make me feel better. 

It's a matter of reassurance. 

I need to see where this friendship is going now. 

I think I'm going to cry again. 

I'm probably gonna end up holed up all weekend.

Her perception of me has changed so much I feel like, I hope I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just paranoid. 

I need to find PEACE.

I still have no regrets of telling her. It needed to be said. Her reaction almost seemed too good to be true. 

Am I awkward and weird? Now I'm really questioning myself. My self-esteem is extremely rickety right now.

I feel like a nuisance to everyone.


I need cheering up. Does anyone care? No one can empathize with what I'm going through. I feel more alone than I have all year.


I try to be all like "Whatever," but it's not that easy to write it off. Not at all. I need a mood elevator.


Did I ruin myself here?


I seriously just want to lay in bed all day. In the dark. Watching the L Word so I know for sure that there is actually a life out there for me.