Oddly enough, this already is all seeming so damn meaningless.
I HAD to get myself together so I am doing it. 
I will be fully back to normal when:
a) My appetite is back.
b) I can talk freely about ahem ANYTHING without feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable or whatever.


I hope tomorrow at the psychiatrist she prescribes something for me on the spot. 


Something strong, very helpful with no dangerous side effects.


Tomorrow I will be in an even better mood then I am today.


Today I am beginning my Road Uphill.


So they are interested in each other...so what? It's nothing even serious. They haven't even hung out. They talk rarely. See each other even more rarely. But even if they DID talk nonstop and hung out NONSTOP, then who the fuck cares? If you're happy, I am coming around, my friend.


He probably thinks very highly of you. Thinks you are so hot I'm sure.


As of now they are basically just somewhat friends. Something like that. 


I am waiting for the day where he invites her to hang out in his room, or go to dinner with him---just the two of theme. Or Starbucks. Or to watch a movie alone. When that happens I will NOT be in shock, it will NOT be a shot to the chest. I guess I feel now if this all keeps continuing, I will lose her. And see less and less of her. 


Well, better him than any other lowlife bloke at this school. Your taste IS good. And he's very hipster. I approve.


And he seems so chill and relaxed and glassy-eyed, with the best intentions. I am working really hard on my jealousy and my shit and whatnot...I PRAY that soon it is all GONE. I will be unfazed when they are talking or making out or WHATEVER will be going on in the future. It will not come to mind so much. I will high five her, cheer her on. Him too.




She wants to talk more with him. But why the hell shouldn't she? He seems like a nice kid, friendly. Attractive. Stylish. Etc. Hell, he seems pretty near perfect. I certainly am not. Some people truly are almost there though. It's true.


Let's say something does come of it and they start dating casually or whatnot...I pray to GOD that if that reaches that point by then I will be HEALED of my wounds.


Anyway, it's not even my business. 


I am not trying to control you in the least. Do not worry about upsetting me. I will deal with myself. Go talk to which ever guy you like. Express every feeling you have as you see fit. No need to protect me.


When you said last night you care for me far more than any random guy you're talking to, that really hit home. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!


He seems very sensitive and sentimental and such too. Like in touch with his feminine side. That is the most attractive thing in a guy, bar none. In my opinion. 


Even if they are engaged within the next week or WHATEVER (most extreme scenario) we will always be incredibly important to one another. 


I can't help who I like. You can't help who YOU like. No one can help who they like.


No one's to blame, there's no reason to get angry at these feelings, it's just a matter of CONQUERING THEM. Conquering these emotions. In my case.


She is going to see where it goes. Keep talking to see if it leads anywhere. It could go somewhere. It could NOT go somewhere. 


Basically, I do not want to feel like I'm teetering over the edge.  The bell jar cannot hover over me. I cannot afford that. Not over this.


All of my friends pretty much talk to lots of guys. 


And to look at the big picture, it mostly doesn't go anywhere. It's just friendly texting, it's nice to have someone to text you know? It doesn't mean they're gonna get married, let alone even date or whatever.


I'm getting myself together here and I know I have you to lean on. 
These things hurt me more than most people. Which sucks, but it is what it is. And I can only deal the best way I can.