I feel sick suddenly, I don't know why. I ate way too much. 
I'm sucking down Alka Seltzer now. 
Having another panic attack about LOVE.
I had a wonderful time with my lovely friends from home though. We talked a lot about sex babaaaaaay!
Me and my one other friend whose still a virgin were highly entertained. I had so many questions! I didn't get nearly all of them answered!
I'm having one of those moments where I feel so incredibly ALONE. SO alone.
Will I live my entire life without finding love?
In spite of this very promising potential luvah, I feel caged in, trapped.
I could NEVER see myself with a significant other. 
NEVER. It sounds unfathomable. 
What is wrong with me? I'm such a pussy. 
I have a real shot with this guy. 
I think I am just afraid I am going to have a realization I'm actually not interested at all and that it was just a lapse of judgment and me pretending to be straight like in high school.
I don't want it to be that too. I want to just like PEOPLE. I want to experience everything possible.
I'm not going to mention details but I don't think I can take much more hurt and fucked up-ness. Sorry I'm so inarticulate now. =(
I think this whole boy thing has gotten to me. I fear if this gets fucked up, it's absolutely over for me. Girls don't work. Guys don't work. I'm freaking the fuck out 'cuz I'm going to be 20 in 6 days.
That's apeshit nuts. And it's taking a toll on me. I certainly don't need this. 
I'm a ranting mess. I should stop and go read my Salinger, reread the Bell Jar, and World According to Garp.
And write my book.
Love should NOT be my prime goal as of now. 
But I see all my friends in relationships and being very successful with guys---though most of them are indeed single actually and don't have much going on like me. But still...I want what some of them have so badly with a guy? Girl? I don't fucking know.
I'm just a mess. 
I don't really know the root of this but...
I'm so very exhausted. I need sleep. 
Two of my good friends from home have boyfriends...
If I never find love, I mind as well put a bullet to my head, because the thought of seeing everyone around me so lucky in love, so blissfully euphoric and everything going so swell and dandy is enough to make me crave that metallic taste of a gun.