WHAT THE FUCK: THIS SHORT STORY I STARTED LIKE 2 YEARS AGO

"The Vagabond"

By: Clare Kelly

(Was I stoned when I wrote this????) 

“Maybe it’s all the lard that’s gotcha retching all over the place, laddie,” Rusty remarked ruefully.

“Well, that would make sense wouldn’t it?” Hans retorted in between dry heaves.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the night off, dude,” Farrow says empathetically, clapping Hans on the back.

“Gladly. I appreciate it, sir,” Hans says, defeated.

“Take care of yourself,” Helga chimed in. 

Hans remembers back when he was in middle school, was when the first annual Tail’s End County Fair occurred. Hans was thirteen, his brother Dunbar was fifteen, and his sister Mary Katherine was ten. The summer before his parents separated and then soon afterwards, went their separate ways for good. 

Hans’s mother took off at the drop of a hat, given that she had always abhorred Tail’s End; she never could put her finger on why Hans’s father loved it so.

Why he called it home.

Onward to Tail’s End, a dingy, sordid town; population 500. In other words, everyone is in everyone else’s business. Constantly. It seems to be perpetually nighttime in this town too, adding to the eeriness of it. 

The nippy, yet crisp night prickled Hans’s skin; his eyes watered, and he squinted in order to prevent a stream from running down his cheekbones. He wiped his nose with the back of his right hand, clenched his bare fists and plodded out into the paved driveway in search of his dinky, little convertible.

He graduated high school all right, in spite of the fact that school just wasn’t his cup of tea. 

Took a trip with friends Ernest, Porter, and Helga, a lesbian to Amsterdam. 

Part 1: Fry Cook/Little flashbacks family info entwined into it---in Tail’s End

Part 2: Mascot for a minor league baseball team in relatively large city nearly ninety miles away from Tail’s End called Cobbler. The cobbler chickens. 

WHAT THE HELL. I should finish this short story someday after my novel of course.

Last night I was hanging out with a couple friends at my one friend's apartment and one of them out of the blue was like "So how's your book coming along? You know, the one where they have sex in the classrooms." I laughed SO HARD. I was super slap happy last night anyway, I must've sounded like I was as drunk as a skunk...but I wasn't. I didn't take ANYTHING all day...not that I can recall at least. Meds-wise. 

Anyway, yeah...my novel is indisputably a gay activist-esque novel. Naturally. I can't help it, it's a lesbian novel. I'm a lesbian writer. But of course, I want to broaden my horizons and not be labeled at solely that. 

I wonder if someday, my writing will inspire someone. I want to make a splash in the gay community. 

Also, my friend and roommate wrote about sexual orientation/gay rights in this paper she wrote for history. I was so touched! =) I absolutely love all of my friends for being so supportive and so chill about talking about it with me. Like I never feel awkward when I mention a girl or something or if I say something along the lines of "She is SO hot, I would bang her!" Or my whole Chezza obsession. Every single one of my friends are MORE than accepting, I'm SO grateful. My lovely friends from here and at home. 

I'm feeling slightly sentimental now...not nearly as stressed and anxiety-ridden anymore to the point of taking too many meds and puking like I tend to do. I'm very serene right now. It was a very productive day. 

Anyway, but yeah, I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE my friends here (and at home of course) so much it's ridiculous. They are all family to me, without a doubt. I miss CB and CK so much though it's ridiculous. =( I fear for our friendships but our bond is too strong to break I think. You have to work at friendships sometimes but even if you don't talk for awhile doesn't mean the bond is weakened at all, you know?

I know I sound slightly incoherent but whatever. I am sleep-deprived. I am so insanely grateful for the smooth sailing in my life right now...well, with the exception of my Math grade. Aside from Math, all is well. The stress will be over soon. Then I'll be HOME and finally see my home friends! I haven't seen them since the summer. Ridiculous! I love my friends here and at home so much it's absurd!

I LOVE EVERYBODY EXCEPT THE PEOPLE I ABHOR! Bahahaha.

I can't wait until next year and senior yeah then graduation...I can't wait to go to West Hollywood. What an adventure it'll be! I crave adventure and hurling myself into an entirely unfamiliar and brand new situation. That's so up my alley. 

I want a teaching job, to find a beautiful woman who will love me as much as I love her...I want that chemisty, that dripping, palpable spark with someone. I can't wait to have sex too! But above all, I want to meet as many amazing people as possible to change my life. 

I hope I can change everyone I know's lives just as they changed mine. I cannot imagine life without any of my friends or even acquaintances. I get such a kick out of everyone. 

I love my two lives...at home and here. Home...it is what it is. I appreciate it so much more now. And here, it's fantastic. Eye-opening. So different from last year. But in a fabulous way.

I want to be a published, successful author. I want to travel the world and go on book tours. I want to teach English in South Korea. Maybe CK will come with me! She's Korean. I was a little bit in love with her not gonna lie. She probably knows it too, but I don't care. She did say she knew all along I was a lesbian hahaha. Oh CK. She's a card. 


Speaking of love I can't wait to fall in love. I can't wait to have sex. I want to have sex like Bette and Tina on the L Word. Or Dana and Alice. Etc. I feel like I'll be really kinky...I've told this to friends before and they're all like "Probably...plus you have a lot of pent-up sexual energy." What?! Haha. Well, true. Call me horny I suppose.


Not gonna lie...I want to fuck. But the right woman, not just some randomass chick off the street. AKA a prostitute. I have class, I like to think. Haha.


Ahhh I'm babbling so much. Anyway, I wonder where I will be in like 10 years...I want to know so badly. I don't want surprises. I want to hire a psychic or something.