Well, I can live with it. Because if I wasn't so jacked up in the head, then I wouldn't be a writer, and I wouldn't have all these twisted and sordid ideas for novels and poems and shit. There's a huge price to pay though...my mom is a fucking nightmare, it's true.
And not to immerse myself in self-pity, but she only does it to me. No one else. The harping is incessant, vicious, unrelenting.
She attacks the person I am and I am not even talking about sexuality-wise. Lately it's been my lack of maturity, work ethic, lack of a job (as if I haven't been fucking trying) as well as my allegedly revolting appearance---my hair, my outfits, my makeup, whatever. She picks nits at every little trait I possess and maliciously assails me about every infinitesimal detail. No wonder I feel so self-conscious at home as opposed to anywhere else. I have to watch every move I make. It's wretchedly uncomfortable.
No wonder I'm such a furious person, though I rarely show it. At home my temper flares like a quickly-spreading rash.
I have no difficulties changing what I don't like about myself, given that I am fully aware of all of my shortcomings. But...well, I don't really know where I'm going with this but to be attacked incessantly by my own mother is despicable. No one should have to go through this. And the sick and twisted part is that it's not blatant one bit. It's not like I'm being beaten or anything. But I'm going to stick by my conviction that it's verbal abuse. It could always be worse though. I feel like shit about myself right now. I am fervently looking forward to seeing my friends in a couple days.
It just sucks 'cuz we're supposed to all have a potluck and I'm supposed to host it...fuck me. My mom will be lurking about shrieking at me to "come here" so she can pound other insults in my head. Fuck her, just fuck her. I am skilled at concocting plans. I was a fatuous, imbecilic moronic twink to think things would be different this break because my grades are, on the whole, infinitely better. No siree. She finds other things to throw in my face daily. She's a monster, a beast, and I need to figure out a way to tame the beast. I am skilled at creating ploys to conquer my problems though, and that is what I'll do. I'm not getting texting back, however, which makes it very difficult to contact the outside world, and I get screamed at when she hears me on the phone...so I need to go to an ATM, get enough cash to purchase a BlackBerry, go to a Sprint store, purchase one, purchase the lowest possible calling plan, then boom. Texting again! It is no joke living without texting.
But that is, to be honest the least of my worries. She's a fucking cyclonic hurricane and she will destroy me if I don't take action.
No comments:
Post a Comment