The problems with my mother never cease. She sent me a heated email because I have a D in my math class. She wants nothing lower than a HIGH C. She is NOT being realistic and completely irrational...she KNOWS I've been working harder this year than I ever have my ENTIRE fucking life. I nearly cried reading that DAMN EMAIL. Why can't she have any empathy? I've been working my ass off so I don't need to face her wrath. Why does she always overlook the silver linings? Namely my 4 As and 1 B. 


Not to mention her overlooking the fact that I'm a lesbian.


Speaking of which I saw Hot Gym Instructor girl today. She had on the most adorable white knit winter hat she looked so precious!


And I saw this hot blonde chick at the library earlier...she SMILED at me! WTF! She was with some random guy though so it was probably her boyfriend. Naturally. I'm sure. But we exchanged a few glances...at least. Odd. 


Well anyway, it's nearly 3 in the morning I need to get some fucking sleep or I'm going to be one cranky bitch tomorrow morning. I already was one pissed off, ranting and raving mess tonight...God, I'm sure my whole damn hallway heard me bitching about my mom and such to my roomie/friend. Four hours away and my mom still scares the living shit out of me. She is terrifying. Thank God my dad sent me a really nice email after her scaryass email. He is the good cop who told me he knows I was born this way (in the words of Lady GaGa's new album!), and in his words, "wired this way" so to speak. He is proud of me no matter what.


I've fucked up A LOT. It takes me awhile to learn lessons. Like that vindictive blog I made trashing my conservative relatives when I was like 9, then making that Facebook group trashing a teacher and making a mockery of her in high school, which of course was brought to her attention "anonymously." Then other shit like that had to pile up onto all of that even to make me change at all.


I just have been such a mess my whole life I feel like. 


I hate my fucking cognitive deficit and my ADHD and anxiety and my Learning Disability in math and EVERYTHING. Why can't I be NORMAL? Why can't I glide through life instead of stumble? Why do my shortcomings always trump my positive qualities?


What would my friends and family say my positive qualities are?


My ADHD fucks my life up and makes trivial tasks insurmountable. If you took a peek at my desk you would get it. And I forget EVERYTHING. I can't remember anything for shit, all I do is write random shit in all of my notebooks that don't even apply to the course name I have written on it. 


If Mom took me seriously and believed me when I say I LOVE girls and told her my whole story.


How I started having feelings for girls in 5th grade but was oblivious to it, then realized what it was in 7th grade then everything escalated from there---then in high school mom made sporadic efforts like once she asked "Oh is she a new love interest?" but nevertheless, her outbursts about it triggered my deep-rooted denial throughout high school.


The most memorable girl I liked in high school was bi actually (I wasn't straight chasing for once), drop dead gorgeous, she had long chestnut hair and big blue eyes...I still think about her sometimes and think about what could've happened if she didn't have a fucking girlfriend at the time! Well, I told her I was interested being the fatuously bold person I am, then she was so pleasantly surprised she told me she'd love to hang out with me (AKA get laid!) if she didn't have a girlfriend...the timing was shitty. Whatever---we're in completely different worlds now. Since that summer, I always hope to run into her at home sometime when I'm looking halfway decent and she's single. 


And I recall those few times she definitely flirted with me senior year---we had English together. And I was so fucking oblivious until I started really lusting over her. 


Whatever...I need to stop thinking about girls. No more hot gym girl, random hot girls I run into...it will just make me depressed and feel like I'll never find love. Too many straight people in the world...it's so frustrating. I wish everyone was bisexual, then shit would be so much easier.


I sometimes even wonder if I'd be any good at being a girlfriend...would I be a complete flake? A crazed, melodramatic, difficult brat?


I had when I see glimpses of myself as that in this present day, since I was such a spoiled brat when I was little. I got whatever I wanted from my Grandma and my Dad. My mom compensated though by ruling with an iron fist...which she never did with my siblings. 


My mom is harsh. We're very close, we have the same values and agree on mostly everything and can talk about anything...except sexuality stuff. Yes, we bicker but usually it's loving unless it comes to...well, anything about me. I don't know how much faith she has in me, honestly. I wish she believed in me more in my writing. She thinks I'm a massive slacker who drifts through life not paying attention in class and twiddling my thumbs. Absolutely not. God, I hope to get this novel/novella which I'm going to finish this Winter Break published so then maybe she will be floored...and impressed. Just maybe.