We develop over time. For instance, I used to like boys. A lot. I can't recall for the life of me anymore what attraction to a boy feels like. From about 2nd grade to 7th grade I had crushes on guys. Which is interesting, because all the while, this overlapped with me lusting over girls. I always had fascinations with women. I remember being about three years old and being positively enraptured with Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins. I carried the box around with me wherever I went. Not to mention I went through a slew of Mary Poppins dolls (and would undress them periodically.)
When I was about five or six, I began my Doris Day obsession. I made my dad buy "On Moonlight Bay" and "By the Light of the Silvery Moon," two of her films on VHS in 2nd grade. I couldn't stop looking at her. I watched and re-watched these movies frequently. Yet at the same time, I was madly infatuated with the most "popular" guy in my 2nd grade class and would fantasize about French kissing him.
In 5th grade is when I had my first real crush on a girl...my Math and Science teacher. She was out of her mind crazy (in a GOOD way) and I found her stunning, hilarious, animated, emotive, delightful, sexy, confident, etc. I didn't have a fucking clue what gay even meant though. Not until like 7th grade did I realize what it meant. Even after a Birds and the Bees talk in 5th grade---where we also covered gay issues---which I was flabbergasted about and when someone described a lesbian couple they knew I was repulsed, and found it so bizarre.
Two years later, I fell for a girl. I didn't know what the fuck it meant though. I thought I just really liked her as a friend. FALSEHOOD.
A year later, I became crazy about one of my friends...soon enough, I came to my senses and realized what a fake bitch she was and we weren't friends for long.
In high school, I was purely in denial. I would say I was straight and that I liked guys...I even FORCED myself to until LAST YEAR EVEN. My first year of college.
But shit, I liked SO many girls in high school. All different types of girls too. I don't have "a type". If I fancy someone, I fancy them. Simple as that.
Yes, I've liked friends before. About four times before. Let me tell you it SUCKS. I hope it never happens again to me. It's rough. Especially when they talk about boyfriends and shit like that. It's just kind of like, "I don't want to fucking hear it!" And they don't get it one bit. Unless of course you tell them that you like them...which is traumatizing. Don't do that...I was foolishly bold like that before. It will only fuck you up. It fucked me up for awhile. It's something that will kind of haunt you for awhile, kind of scar you. It will make you feel like love is impossible for you. I know love isn't impossible for me, but most of the time it feels like it. I deal though. I do NOT pity myself. I know who I am now, and have a Plan for Love so to speak, haha.
It's asinine to think that this time last year I was still in denial I was a lesbian. For the first few months of school I would pick out random guys and talk them up to my friends and yes they were guys I thought were attracted but I wasn't attracted TO them. I was just playing myself up as a straight girl. Which I so wasn't.
Two of my good friends have told me that they knew I was gay soon after meeting me. One of them claims from the MOMENT they met me. The other one said toward the middle of the year, she totally got that vibe.
On a different note. . .
I DETEST getting hit on by guys. It's flattering, and I bask in the attention, but it's uncomfortable.
Even if I got hit on by some stone butch that I found incredibly unappealing, I would still bask in it, and probably flirt back.
I flirt with everyone I'm pretty sure. I mean straight people flirt with other straight people I feel like, because basically any kind of interaction constitutes as flirting, you know?
Anyway, I'm a bit off topic now. Back to sexual fluidity.
We never know who we are going to fall for. It's scary. And we're so narrow-minded at times, labeling ourselves as strictly monosexual. Like I am most certainly not going to rule out me dating a man someday---absolutely not. I'm open to it, for the experience. But is it likely? No. But you never know I could meet a wonderful (very metrosexual haha) man. The only men who I find attractive are very feminine. Like metrosexual straight men...that's hot. Feminine men are so attractive, they really are. Just because they have those feminine qualities that I crave.
What professionals have said is that no one is fully straight or fully gay. Most of us lie somewhere in between. Here's a test you can take. Naturally, I'm far closer to the gay side, due to questions like "Do you have sexual fantasies about men or women?"
Ch-ch-ch-eck it out: http://mysexualorientation.com/
You know, I've realized I am entirely, fully, unreservedly comfortable with my sexuality and sexual orientation now. I will scream it loud and proud! It is ME. If you can't about it freely with your friends, well then find some new friends, bitch.
Anyway, here are my results for the test:
On a scale from 0 to 13, with 13 being homosexual I am a 12-13. Holy shit.
Well, no shocker there.
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