JonBenet's Parents Murdered Her

It's as blatant as the day is long, folks.

That precious, insanely adorable little girl, JonBenet Ramsey was murdered by both of her parents, the disgusting, mentally unhinged, diabolical John and Patsy Ramsey.

Why? I'll tell you what I think.

Her parents referred to this 6 year old daughter of theirs as a "sex kitten."

How sick and twisted is THAT?! 

This is why her parents are guilty given everything I've read: 

It was Patsy's handwriting, handwriting experts pegged it as the writing of an upper class/upper crust middle class woman from the South. She entirely fits that criteria. It was certainly a female's handwriting. 

It was written on Patsy's notepad/legal pad with her pen.

The writer of the ransom note was riddled with phrases commonly used by Patsy/John like "such as" and "hence."

The Bible in Patsy's room was opened to Psalm 118 (same as ransom note amount.)

The amount demanded in the note was the exact same as John Ramsey's bonus---118,000 

The device used to strangle JonBenet were some of Patsy's things---a paintbrush, rope etc.

The alarm system of the house was turned off the night of the murder. 

When searching for her a friend of John suggested he search the wine cellar, and at first outright refused to then reluctantly went inside and carried her body out. Which shouldn't have been done anyway. CONTAMINATION!

A sick and twisted outrage.

The Ramseys refused to take a lie detector test and refused to be interviewed by the cops for months.

They abruptly and quickly moved to Georgia. 

And there are countless inconsistencies that make no sense. Like Patsy lied about their son Burke being asleep...she insisted he was but during the 911 call he was talking in the background.

When the fuck are they gonna interview Burke? 

The Ramseys got away with murder.

The justice system of Boulder, CO is idiotic and terribly flawed. The Ramseys were one of the most affluent and powerful families in Boulder and clearly had much influence.

No signs of intruders---no footprints in snow, and untouched spider webs.

John was probably molesting JonBenet. After all he had the nerve to call his own daughter a "sex kitten" and Patsy pushed her into beauty pageants and forced her to wear makeup and shit and not be a child. That's all fucked up shit. It disturbs me so fucking much.

i've realized:
i am still incredibly passionate about feminism and ESPECIALLY gay rights however i am really not down with the whole club bullshit component of alliance and feminist club.
i could do far much more good autonomously. 
'cuz i honestly don't enjoy the people in it. okay they were all right last semester, namely during the drag show which was exceptionally fun.
i had a great time.
but still i didn't exactly click with anyone. well one girl but not anymore.
yikes. well, shit happens you're not gonna fit in anywhere.
just because i'm a lesbian doesn't mean i'm gonna fit in these areas where you would think i would make a seamless transition to, because it is "me."
well no these specific places are NOT.
i'm bailing. call me unreliable but i'd rather do my own thing. that's what i've always done.
REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE. haha hardly, but still. i'd rather be hated and fight for what i believe in as opposed to be loved and just follow and go with the flow.
I DETEST FOLLOWERS, ALWAYS HAVE. probably my number one pet peeve.
anyway i can make more of a difference in my writing and such as opposed to sitting mindlessly in these tedious and unproductive club meetings that consist of just all talk, bullshit and people who try way too hard to be hipsters.

i think i'm in love with marilyn monroe!

I honestly think I am rubbed the wrong way by alliance and fem club is because I just don't fit in.
Sure, I'm a lesbian but I find it very cold, paradoxically not very welcoming and enjoyable.
I AM FAR FROM AT EASE THERE QUITE HONESTLY.
Okay I am pretty much over the "lady friend" trouble thing.
Yes it still hurts but not as much as I thought it would. 
Maybe I AM stronger. 
I mean, her loss right? 
It just hurts what she said to. Words sting.
Who knows.
Ugh tomorrow is Monday. Well, I don't mind Mondays, but still it's MONDAY.
And the weather is shitty. It's been raining. YUCK.
I have a bit more reading to do...ick.
I have to try to anticipate quizzes tomorrow.
I fucking hate that so many of my professors are such big fans of pop quizzes.

"The whole process, really complicated process, that you worked through that situation (and many others) has made you such a stronger person. Even if you don't see it, I do."
----A dear friend to me in the kindest letter I've ever received


Honestly, I never saw this coming. This letter means so much to me. No one has ever done this for me before. I've always been the one to do this for others. I love doing it, but I guess I secretly hoped for one in return someday. And alas, wonderful, marvelous things happen when you are not anticipating it whatsoever!


Anyway, also...I had the epiphany yesterday I believe it was that I am truly NOT passionate about Alliance or Feminist Club. 


Not one bit. 


I'm supposed to be one of the officers for Feminist too. Ha, what a joke!


Here's the thing though: we don't do jack shit, and I don't care for the people in it. 


How ironic? Me, the full-fledged, flamboyant, outrageous rainbow flag waving girl obsessed lesbian does not like being surrounded by people like me.


I don't know maybe it's 'cuz I LIKE being different?


Who knows. But just because you share a sexual orientation or WHATEVER with another human being does not mean that will bond you two for life and catalyze a profound, unbreakable connection.


I have no gay friends at all. Therein lies the paradox.


I don't give a shit about this. I can talk about whatever with any of my friends. They're all family to me. As absurdly cheesy as that sounds.


In any case, I'm honestly too autonomous and not into the whole "being involved" thing. I was involved in high school, naturally, but I was only truly passionate about what I wanted to do. Does that make sense?


My writing. People. That's all I'm truly passionate about. Oh and popular culture, philosophizing/thinking/imagining/being apeshit nuts.


That's all I give a shit about in life. 


I've found my niche, so go find yours! Haha just kidding this is not a fucking Bruce Jenner-esque motivational speech.


My friend also said in her letter to me, "You've been through a lot of shit this year..." 
It's true. I was touched someone acknowledged this.


Not to pat myself on the back, but I frankly think I deserve it.


I honestly emotionally and mentally FEEL myself getting stronger each day. I feel invincible at times.


Which is ironic because I usually feel like everything goes wrong for me.


But I have been through hell and back this year. Last year very little went wrong. 


But this year has made me grown so much stronger and more mature and knowledgeable and worldly and just an overall MUCH more evolved and better person in general. 


I've learned so fucking much. I look like a petulant deer in the headlights last year compared to this year. 


Anyway I've never been a big fan of school clubs and all that bullshit? 


I hate when people micromanage. One of my best friends is so much like that. She is "always super busy"/"never has any time to breathe." Cop out. I don't buy that shit I'm sorry.


I was talking about this with my roomie earlier today and we agreed saying "I'm too busy"/"too tired"/"too stressed" is all just fucking BULLSHIT to conceal the true underlying meaning as to what you really mean. 


Like when my ex-"lady friend" or whatever the fuck you want to call her was like "I'm TOO BUSY TO DATE" etc (before she basically said that she doesn't want anything to do with me..."But oh we can be friends.") 


If you have to try really hard to be super blatant about your "hipster ways" and shit, you are not a hipster.


I do NOT call myself a hipster. 


Yes I'm in the minority so to speak, though that sounds peculiar to state. I'm a lesbian, "artist type", passionate, dramatic amateur poet/writer/novelist in general. A "young, tortured artist." Ha. But honestly I AM. 


That's the stereotype that fits me though I just want to be ME. Straight up. I'm a far more intricate being than that.


Anyway, here are some questions I want to ask myself and look inward to ponder.
1. Am I happy? 
That's truly a loaded question. Yes, I think I am. I have the usual stressful bullshit of most people and still coping with odd problems that tear me up from time to time like being in...(lust? love? i don't know) with one of my closest friends as I watch her fall for a guy who genuinely seemed interested but I know for a fact he'd never appreciate her the way I do. But I have to do it on a platonic level. 'Cuz I know, truly DEEP DOWN I wouldn't want anything more with her anyway. As we agreed, the friendship's far too important. But yeah, I think the "man friend" is one lucky son of a bitch of course. I don't know why I'm still so taken with her. 
You'd think it would have gotten old by now. But she just makes me so content! It's so insanely enjoyable to be in her presence. 
Yesterday when I was in tears and a numb, drifting hollow entity because of More Women Troubles, she made me laugh and smile when I truly didn't want to and TRIED SO HARD NOT TO! Haha. My friends in general were wonderful. They cheered me up so well. I am perfectly fine. I never saw a future with her anyway. It wasn't what I wanted. I honestly think I want SEX.
But yes of course I want a girlfriend. Perhaps someday. 
Only time can tell. 


Anyway, where was I? Oh yes.


2. Have I ever been in love?
Okay, I don't know how to judge that. I don't think so. Just a lot of lust, honestly. I think I will be in love when I find that soulmate of mine who loves me as much as I love her. That's love. That's always what my mom said...building a life with someone, that connection, something so deeply entrenched emotionally within you that it's indescribable. That's what love is to me. 

What if I never get over this?
Will I ever get over it?
Can you love the same person forever?
I don't think it's LOVE though perse.
Because love is not one-sided love is mutual.
I can't afford to be in lust, love whatever right now.
I want to close myself off emotionally, that is my prime goal.
Some people in life get everything they want it seems. Not to sound bitter but
I never seem to get anything I want.
There is always something.
When I am happy there's always a catch, some strings attached.
Like when someone actually is attracted to me they scramble for other reasons why they have to steer clear of me?
AM I FUCKING TOXIC?
Fuck my life.
I was watching the L Word early this morning and last night.
It's the only thing that truly cheers me up.
Why? Because it's all I've got to cling onto that reminds me there IS a world out there for me. Somewhere where I can maybe, possibly find love.
Or am I just pegged as someone who never can find love?
I freak people out because I crave so much excitement.
My "social norm" etiquette is not like other people's.
To glamorize this more I like to call myself a tragic heroine, more like an anti-heroine if you will.
That makes it more bearable for me.
I truly have twisted thoughts.
I'm terrified about my grades, because none of them are up.
I'M SO FUCKING SCARED. At least it's not even midpoint yet. But I feel like some pop quizzes destroy me.
I CAN'T BE DESTROYED.
not any more.
I just need spring break. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.
I need to recharge.
And sleep a lot and write. I deserve a break from the bullshit really badly.
I wonder if any of this will matter in a few months, by the summer. Or by next year.
Why am I such a fool?
I wish I could press a button in order to put a stop to some things I'm feeling.
I'm growing bitter.

I always have so much I want to say to you.
It hasn't been easy, but there has been an enormous number of ups and downs.
Frankly, a lot of both. Who knows, I'd say a tie. 
But as for the downs, when it all sinks in, then I realize how absurd it would be to get all depressed and  hurt and bent out of shape about it all.
But then again, I have very valid reasons.
Everyday why do I feel like a complete fool, sickeningly mortified? "There's more to life than relationships!"
That's very true. Why was it such a fucking realization when she said this? 
Who knows.
Yesterday me and my friend (the one I'm getting over) were joking about how were both gonna be spinsters/cat ladies when we're old and withered and gray and we'll be in a retirement home just living it up...alone.
It was a poignant yet morbid moment.
We saw an old windbag dancing with her cane wearing a multicolored bubushka and H said, "That's gonna be you when you're older!"
Haha probably, is what I thought to myself. 
"And I'll be dancing all by my lonesome," I said mordantly, dryly.
"Oh come on! I'll be too," she said.
"I'm gonna be all alone in the retirement home," I said.
"I will be too," she said.
"Oh come on! Don't even go there," I said.
She's too wonderful to not get swept up by a man. As for me? Lesbians are difficult. Women are hard as fuck. Men are so easy. If I were straight I'd really be getting around, I just know it. 
I can't exactly go out and trolling for women.
Not here.
WEST HOLLYWOOD HERE I COME.

I yearn for astonishment 

A soft, downy blanket like a snow angel

Sculpting to my curves

A pine cone to my rib

The scent, intoxicatingly awakens me 

My velvety soul

The phantom lunging toward the iron bars

That cascades like a spill

Of scalding, treacherous drink

Unsound, the cage catapults

To the sordid, flaked underbelly

Of my being, peeling like antiquated paint

So I probably fell asleep close to 6. Woke up at 8:15ish-8:30ish. 
Wow. How am I gonna get anything done?
I semi-regret going out.
But it was astoundingly fun. SO MANY GOOD STORIES.
"WHO ARE YOU?!" ~Grace
"NICE CHEST HAIR!" ~Me
"Emilio likes to dance by himself!" ~Grace
"Jenny can I have a straight shot?" ~Me
"OH HELL NO!!!!!!!" ~Jenny
And Jordan's backbend bahahahahaha!
And Peacock, S&M, all that shit.
And me screaming to a trashed Sean Sullivan, "LOREN SAYS HI!!!!!!!!" Then Grace smacked me.
He didn't hear anyway! Haha.
I danced on the bar, table bunkbed ladder and bunkbead. I danced like a STRIPPER haha!
It was classic. We got back at 4 we're usually never out that late. Crazy!
I'm so tired I'm dizzy, no joke.
This is asinine.
Well last night cheered me up SO MUCH.
I'm so glad I went out. 
I only regret feeling semi-shitty now/being hungover/exhausted/overwhelmed.
Gah.

i feel like alice in season 3 of the l word when dana up and leaves her for fucking lara.
so sad. 
poor alice had to go on medication.
i see shocking parallels between that and my situation.
poor alice just couldn't get over dana.


is it possible to never get over someone?

Quite honestly, this has been the hardest year of my life, this past school year. I'm not being melodramatic, I'm being honest. Even the high school hell seems blissful compared to this year.
Nothing seems to go right. 
As I always say, I need divine intervention.
But as for tonight, I'm gonna get alcohol intervention.
SHE is going to regret is so much she didn't tap this when she had the chance! 
My friends were so TRULY wonderful tonight! It blew me away. I love you guys xoxo. It never gets old being reminded by people close to you how much you mean to them/how much they care about you.
They are truly my Sisters as corny as that sounds, but I can say that 'cuz I only have brothers haha.
Some magical things they said that touched me deeply and profoundly:
"We're going to cheer you up!I'm gonna figure out a game for us to play! We're gonna do something fun!"
"You're a great girl, Clare and she is seriously missing out!"
"I hate seeing you like this Clare. I like you just the way you are---crazy and goofy! Someone will love you for who you are, you'll see."
All so true. Well, I sure hope so.
And in terms of another situation I need to stop asking questions and shit because it only hurts me. It's just that at times I'd rather not wonder you know?
But I've decided it doesn't matter much anyway so no need to ask. Because I AM loved. By the people who matter.
SHE treated me really awful today in those texts she was harsh in a lot of what I said accusing me of being some things I'm not.
I don't deserve that, NO ONE does.
My heart's been broken again, but I will get through it. This is the last thing I needed right now, but this year has been hellish so it does not stun me in the least.
But my friend wrote me the most beautiful letter.
I feel so appreciated!
More later. I am determined to have a great time tonight. I don't have much work this weekend anyway I don't think.
I will not feel guilty I deserve this.
Paradoxically enough my Mom texted me earlier and was like, "I saw the King's Speech tonight and it was really about perseverance and such...it really reminded me of you."
It nearly brought me to tears to read this. 
So true. If there's one thing I can do well, it's persevere. I detest it, but I've certainly done it enough.

everything intertwines 




do i deserve love?

if i'm such a catch then why is no one bothering throwing me a net?

i'll find someone who likes my dirty talk 

my frisky nature 

i'm proud of it all!

i like me just find, but that doesn't mean that this doesn't hurt my self-esteem

of course it does. it tarnishes that and my self-worth.

i feel unloved, i do. though i'm far from it. 

but i still feel that way.

somehow i still have hope

It's truly incredibly hard for me to cut out anybody from my life. 
Whether they truly meant a lot to me, or was someone I hardly know, it doesn't matter.
Either or or anything in between it's an outrageously difficult task. 


Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?


So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


I was cheered up temporarily. 
But now I just feel low again.
Inferior. 
I need to write about it.
A poem. To be liberated.
I don't deserve this bullshit. 


IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE. I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT.
'Cuz it's true, it was in God's hands, right?


I'm so mentally and physically exhausted I want and need to nap. 
Maybe I'll nap in like an hour or so. Then get up take a scalding hot shower to calm my frazzled and heartbroken nerves and then get myself ready if I'm going out.


I don't know. I don't know what I want to do.


What kills me about this all is that she acted like it was MY FAULT things got botched. I don't regret the drunk texts at all.


I'm not gonna stop doing the idiosyncratic things that make me me just for someone, no matter how much I like them.


What kills me is that I'm still getting over my friend. I don't really feel anything for her sexually or romantically anymore, but I mean, emotionally...yeah. I don't know, it's indescribable. 


It's so much better now. But she has a man friend, and now I'm left ALONE in the cold. Again. As usual. 

It's inexplicable. 
Everything that went down. 
NONE OF IT MADE ANY SENSE.
She was clearly into me and even said that but I guess she wasn't looking for anything all along.
Why did she lead me on then? 
I am bamboozled.
That's what hurts the most. 
I deleted her number from my phone.
SHE'S A VERY COMPLEX PERSON.
Not in a good way. It's so difficult in life to tell who the toxic people are.
I seriously cannot win any battle in my life. 
Of course there's other shit bothering me too. 
I don't have it in me to address it here though. 
I've been through the mill, but I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity. 
I can't do that.
I'm gonna still go out tonight and have a blast. 
I hope.
I don't know though. 
I'm kind of outrageously tired. 
And I drank last night.
And tomorrow's Sunday AKA I needa get shit done 'cuz I most certainly am not today.
I do really wanna go out but I don't have it in me I don't think. 
I have zero energy, zero spunk. 
I just feel dead, numb and lifeless.
I kind of want to just watch TV tonight until I fall asleep. 
I want to dream that in some crazy fantasy life there will be a woman who will love me madly and be perfect for me.
I deserve that.

I can't stand that my friend was right all along when she predicted this chaos and dismay.
She was really afraid of me getting hurt yet again and was very reluctant.
But guess what? It happened. Of course, it's fucking inevitable! 
She makes no fucking sense. What is the "situation" she's talking about. 
Okay if she's gonna be full of drama and weird bullshit and MIXED FUCKING MESSAGES then fuck that. 
I told her I was down for whatever.
She was into me. But yet just wants to be friends.
Makes absolutely no sense.
Whatever, fuck this shit.
I need spring break. I can't wait to see my friend who transferred. We're all getting together over spring break, I cannot wait! 
That will cheer me up so much.
I hate this year. So many wonderful things happened. But the bad shit...is well bad as fuck.
So she was overwhelmed with me she said pretty straight up. 
My drunk texting was "overwhelming" my flirting was "overwhelming."
Okay I'm NOT sorry for being loquacious and fun-loving and flirtatious. 
No way! People have criticized my "pursuing" tendencies. I'm too "forward" too "intense". Okay no. I'm not buying that shit. 
When the right person comes they will eat it up!
I am not going to change my ways. I only change the negative things.

MIXED SIGNALS.
That is what she undeniably gave me. 
I did have a slight gut instinct this would happen, but I ignored this intuition, because I was trying so hard to be so hopeful. 

I knew it would all go wrong and crumble into oblivion. 
I did no wrong this time. I was MYSELF, isn't that what you're supposed to do? 
Words truly hurt more than physical wounds. 

She said: "I just can't be anything more and I don't want to be anything more." 

It's probably me then.

BUT SHE SAID SHE'S DEFINITELY ATTRACTED TO ME.

I'm so fucking confused. Maybe I should stop asking questions 'cuz it's only gonna get me more hurt.

I kind of don't even want to go out tonight now. I want to have one night of wallowing. 

I'm thoroughly mortified. Not with myself though this time. 

Maybe I'm teased by my friends for a reason. Maybe I am seriously a joke. 

This girl can't even take me seriously. But I am NOT going to change who I am at all! 

Seriously, fuck my life right now.

Sometimes I wish I was an emotional cripple, so then I wouldn't feel anything for anybody.
After all this bullshit, how in the WORLD do I let myself feel anything for anyone and remain optimistic?
I have no reason to be optimistic whatsoever. Not one bit.
The drunk texts and my flirting pissed her off. She said it's "overwhelming." I think I'm gonna cry. I thought I was toning it down. She was drunk too last night and texting right back.
I feel dreadful and depressed now. 
Is it a legitimate excuse to say one isn't interested in dating because they're "too busy". She doesn't even want to be friends with benefits and such! She said I'd be "waiting around too much." This is fucking bullshit. 
Seriously. What the fuck. Especially 'cuz she said she's "definitely attracted to me."
She totally lead me on. Giving my friend her number to give to me, taking me out to dinner and picking up the tab and flirting with me as well.
Fine. If you're "too busy" then whatever, have it your way. You're missing out bitch!
I need to either make a clean break or somehow make a truce. 
She's like, "We should just stay friends."
I don't need another fucking friend! Why'd you lead me on if you "just want to be friends"? WHY DOES ONE JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE THEY THINK IS HOT?
I was not being overwhelming.
Seriously?! What the fuck. I only subtly flirted sometimes. Well, I never regret drunk texting. I SERIOUSLY DON'T GET WHY PEOPLE GET SO IRRITATED AND ANGRY IF THEY GET DRUNK TEXTS! 
I love getting drunk dials and texts from people! It's hysterical! Prime entertainment!
Seriously it's appalling and disturbing how things can turn around so much so quickly. It fucking blows.
It's a detrimental whirlwind. 
Well, I guess I AM truly alone. 
Girls are fucking crazy.
Any guy would be down to hook up or WHATEVER. Whatever you wanted, they'd be down. 
Girls have to overanalyze and shit and take things too seriously. 
Any guy would have LOVED to get those drunk texts I sent her last night. 
I don't regret it. Not one bit. Because it was a catalyst for the truth.
It just sped up the inevitable. I'm really sad though. 
I thought me and her seriously had hope. 
It would've been my FIRST REAL THING with a girl. 
I thought it wasn't just a fantasy, yet another foolish dream of mine.
Now I'm back to square one. Yet again.
She probably won't even reply to my last text.
This is disgusting. 
Am I unlovable? 
Why the fuck would she say she's "definitely attracted" to me then say "Let's just be friends. I'm not looking for anything and I don't want a friends with benefits thing either." 
SERIOUSLY FUCK MY LIFE! Okay then you don't want me to fuck you?! Wow thanks. I'm dreadfully insulted.
I don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm gonna get drunk and get crazy again tonight. I am just gonna have to love myself if no one's gonna give me a chance.

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is the most beautiful child that ever lived.

YIPES!

I haven't blogged in three days! Holy shit! That's a record for me. 


So. Here's the thing.


1. Last night I got drunk and of course was texting my "lady friend" or whatever you wanna call her. Don't fucking ask me, I don't know what we even are. Hopefully we figure that out. Like I don't care what we do---date casually, be fuck buddies, have a relationship---I honestly don't even care. I just want to keep things chill and most importantly FUN! Anyway, she was drunk too last night and we were having a thoroughly incoherent conversation. She asked me to watch porn with her, I told her to do me, oh and then she said "she's not looking to date anyone and if we did hook up she thinks I would expect more than she could give." Um...what?! Who ever said I'm looking for something SERIOUS? This is my first little thing here so I'm not looking to rush into things at all.
I like her, she likes me that's all I know. Why can't we just have fun? Wow. We say foolish things while drunk.
Why'd she take me out to dinner then?
Mixed signals? Who knows.
She said she wanted to talk when we were sober.
I'm all about going with the flow but I am NOT going to fucking get my heart broken again.
She's very much about GOING WITH THE FLOW AND JUST DOING WHATEVER, WHENEVER. WHATEVER SHE WANTS. I mean, I don't know, that's the impression I get.
I knew there'd be a catch. There always has to be with me. Always strings attached.
So I told her...granted I was trashed, but "Let's just have FUN no strings attached."
What do you want from me woman??!?!?!!??!?!?!
I think you want to hook up you blatantly implied that when we were both sober but still. I don't know.
Please don't worry about hurting me, you won't. At this point, I'm indestructible. I'm far more zen about these things.
If things don't work out it's because they weren't supposed to.
I guess I will just have to see.
PLEASE I NEED DIVINE INTERVENTION, GIVE ME A SIGN! I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING! I HATE BEING BLIND AND CLUELESS.

Procrastination Station!

FOLLOW ME BITCHES...yes I'm a full-fledged narcissist because I am a Twatter...
http://twitter.com/ladylazarus00


Also...


1. In high school all I wanted was to get reactions out of people, stir up trouble and be amusingly controversial and be infamous. Well, I certainly got it this past year. I was CLARETROVERSIAL, and what did it do? Bit me in the ass! Luckily it did otherwise I would have still been blind to the fact that I was a DUMBASS AND A FUCKING MORONIC TWIT! 


2. It's kind of cute how semi-oblivious my LUVAH is to my dirty/flirty texts. I'm so BAD. In more ways than one =( Not proud of that.


3. Good thing I didn't use that line, "I've been a naughty girl, I think I may have to be punished." Cliche, yet classic. I've been listening to S&M far too much!


4. The other day I had the best talk with my friends about sex. I think they were a little alarmed (though probably not surprised) as to how freaky and kinky I will be. Handcuffs, S&M, role-play, swings, all that crazy shit I am MORE than down for! What fun! 


5. More later. I'm dead tired. Up far past my bedtime, it's nearly 1. And getting picked up at 9:20 for a fucking school visit. And have to print shit off before that. FML!!!!!!!


FUCK THURSDAYS.I'm napping tomorrow after Brit Lit. 

a jug fills drop by drop.
---buddha

I used to have a really dreadful temper. I would break shit, throw shit around, and generally throw temper tantrums, even in high school. Hell, even last semester. But that is me no longer, thank God! Now I like to think of myself as pacifist. 
If you were to ask me in high school if I truly despised anyone I would say, "Absofuckinglutely." I would say I hated all those motherfuckers who were on the paper with me, someone who looked at me the wrong way this morning, the administration at my school, the security guards who gave me shit yet the truly dangerous kids run wild. 
Now, I don't hate anyone. It's too much wasted energy that only is a detriment to myself in the long run. No one wants that. If I dislike someone these days, if someone rubs me the wrong way, I merely pity them and pray for their sake they endure an experience that changes them.
Because most people, you can preach to them till your blue in the face and not a word will resonate with them. Because one must endure harsh experiences in order to truly learn, that's what I believe. 
I would never wish harm upon anybody, though. No one deserves dreadful things to happen to them. However, we all deserve to learn. And the way this occurs---it depends. If it's a fairly difficult route, then so be it. 
I've had to endure brutal shit to learn some lessons in the past. 
But I am obstinate, I will not listen unless I listen to myself. Call me narcissistic in that aspect. I suppose? 
I must bear hardships in order for an impact to be made.

dose of mj

She's lookin for a job and a finer place to stay,
She's lookin for the hope in the empty promising,
She's workin two jobs, keepin alive,
She works in a restaurant night and day
She waits her life away
She wipes the tears away

She cries inside every time she feels this way,
And she’s dying inside every time her baby cries, no

Keepin your head up to the sky,
Keepin your mind just stay alive,
Keepin your wings so we can fly,
(Keep your head up tonight)

Keepin your head up to the sky,
And we can just rise up tell me now,
Gimme your wings so we can fly,

Giving up the life of the birds in the trees
And we’re sucking up the air in the earth from under me,
(It’s never too late)
I can’t even breathe (to see) I can’t even see,
(Oh keep) Keep your head up don’t give up today,
How long can we wait?
I wish that love would come today

All you need is love, tell you Im always comin soon,
And all you need is just a moment, won’t it do,
Keep your head up

Keepin your head up to the sky,
Keepin your mind just stay alive
Gimme your wings so we can fly, (fly away, fly away, fly away)
(Keep your head up tonight)

Keepin your head up to the sky,
And we can just rise up tell me now,
Gimme your wings so we can fly,
(Oh why)

Everybody say the time is borrowed
And hanging down your head just ain’t no good
And if you dance and rise above tomorrow
(Give it a chance)
Just give yourself a chance, find the circumstance,
Rise and do it again,

Keepin your head up to the sky (Oh God)
Keepin’ your mind just stay alive (Oh no)
Gimme your wings so we can fly
(Yeah, yeah!)
Keepin’ your head up to the sky,
And we can just rise up tell me now
Gimme your wings so we can fly

(I needed you know, I needed you now
I needed you night right through the day
I needed you now)
Keepin’ your head up to the sky
Keepin’ your mind just stay alive
Keepin’ your wings so we can fly, (Woo! woo!)
(Yeah!)
(repeat)

What about love again
What about love again


(Gonna shine, must fly, gonna rise gonna rise today! today!)

to be continued...we'll see

Tracking blood on sordid ground

The quicksand ensnares my feet

In my own pond I have drowned

Entrenched in the hard concrete

The grimness engulfs like a curl

The distance I fail to reach

The oyster who lost its pearl

On the shore of an abandoned beach

The angel met the devil; now in cahoots

They birthed a being so warm and red

Flailing amid the thorny roots

A scarlet letter branded on her head

experience truly is the harshest of teachers. but my God, do you learn.

"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."
---Oscar Wilde


I have been so badly behaved this year. 
Yes, I have been ill-mannered plenty of times in the past, but it wasn't as severe. I've always gotten into trouble, but it usually was purely detrimental to myself, and this year is truly when I fully experienced a guilty conscience and my sordidness 


In the long run, I will look upon this year and see but a faint scratch upon a massive mural of vivid colors, all of the colors of the rainbow. I know I am far from a villain. I was stunningly, repulsively negligent, acting brashly, unthinking, petulant, vicious without even realizing it. I was oblivious. I was a child. I've forgiven myself fully I think though. 
It's quite the paradox, I forgive others in the blink of an eye, no questions ask. But as for myself? It takes an infinitely longer time.
There are no words that can heal a person you hurt, I can ramble and weave countless diatribes and talk in circles with an incalculable number of orations, groveling and pleading, with tears in my eyes but you can't take back what you did and said. 
You can only pray to God that time heals the wounds, things shift back into place, and if things go down properly, they will all see you as a good person that you truly are. A self-proclaimed fool, a flawed human being, but nevertheless a truly benevolent, caring, empathetic, self-deprecating human being.
I'm not going to say I'm a bad person and say I am repulsive and so on and so forth. Was my act repulsive and dreadful and an immense violation? Yes, indisputably! But I am NOT repulsive and wretched. I have done despicable things, yes, but I am a far better human being that quite a lot of people out there. 
Hsun Tzu couldn't be more valid.
Human nature is evil. We have to grow and learn through harsh experiences in order to come around and be good creatures. I had to experience much pain, suffering, sorrow and chaos in order to come full circle and rebirth myself, in a way, philosophically speaking. 
"The nature of man is evil; his goodness is acquired."
Why is it that people enjoy being evil more so than good? Whatever happened to pacifism and killing them with kindness? I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, and I am willing to admit all of my shortcomings, and God knows there are an abundance of them and I am more than content to rattle them off. But I won't long, I don't want to write a dissertation. 
However, I know and the people who know me, who know me and TRULY see me, they may not understand me FULLY, but these are the people who can see past my bullshit and realize I am a very good person, in spite of my past troublesome antics.
I am always sincerely sorry.
But since then, I have turned it around completely. It was not difficult by any means. I AM a new person! I see inside of myself very well. I firmly believe in self-improvement. It is the prime thing this world needs. If I can do it, anyone can. We cannot take away our actions, but we can be forgiven, as long as we forgive ourselves eventually. 

LOOK! LOOK! SEE! SEE!

This looks like something out of a fucking Dr. Seuss book...or out of "The Phantom Tollbooth" one of my all time favorite books:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stata_Center

There are very few empathetic people in the world, I'm certain of it.
Ironically, that is one of my best qualities I think. This will benefit me immensely when I'm a teacher.

It just about killed me feeling like this but I am so much stronger now and at an excruciatingly slow pace, I am conquering it all. I keep telling myself it's not what I truly want. And it really isn't. Not one bit.
My bet is by the end of the year---far less than 3 months actually believe it or not, I'm be completely over it. It will be nothing but a distant memory that I've blocked out. That I've pulverized into nothing but dust particles. 
This is just so damn wrong. I detest it. It's the slowest process ever.
Luckily I have other distractions. Many. 
The prime troubling thing is though that no one understands. 
You know what they say, take a walk in that person's shoes, then you'll know how they feel. 
I refuse to feel like this is weird and abnormal and I'm crazy and paranoid and all that shit. NO. That's not true, that is not it. 
Everything I'm feeling is valid. Absolutely valid. I should not apologize. I should not have to explain, there is nothing to fucking rationalize. 
Ugh, my mind is so damn jumbled up I don't even know what I'm saying. I probably make no sense. 
I probably sound quite inarticulate. 
I'm so sick of life's bullshit, all the shit that happens that shouldn't and the bizarre shit that just gets so fucked up. 
And that those who deserve things don't get what they deserve, while those wretched souls get what they don't deserve, and they come up unscathed and shining.

I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY
'CUZ GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES
DON'T BE A DRAG JUST BE A QUEEN
no matter what bitches!


War.  Rape.  Murder.  Poverty.  Equal rights for gays.  Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting?  
~The Value of Families