"The whole process, really complicated process, that you worked through that situation (and many others) has made you such a stronger person. Even if you don't see it, I do."
----A dear friend to me in the kindest letter I've ever received


Honestly, I never saw this coming. This letter means so much to me. No one has ever done this for me before. I've always been the one to do this for others. I love doing it, but I guess I secretly hoped for one in return someday. And alas, wonderful, marvelous things happen when you are not anticipating it whatsoever!


Anyway, also...I had the epiphany yesterday I believe it was that I am truly NOT passionate about Alliance or Feminist Club. 


Not one bit. 


I'm supposed to be one of the officers for Feminist too. Ha, what a joke!


Here's the thing though: we don't do jack shit, and I don't care for the people in it. 


How ironic? Me, the full-fledged, flamboyant, outrageous rainbow flag waving girl obsessed lesbian does not like being surrounded by people like me.


I don't know maybe it's 'cuz I LIKE being different?


Who knows. But just because you share a sexual orientation or WHATEVER with another human being does not mean that will bond you two for life and catalyze a profound, unbreakable connection.


I have no gay friends at all. Therein lies the paradox.


I don't give a shit about this. I can talk about whatever with any of my friends. They're all family to me. As absurdly cheesy as that sounds.


In any case, I'm honestly too autonomous and not into the whole "being involved" thing. I was involved in high school, naturally, but I was only truly passionate about what I wanted to do. Does that make sense?


My writing. People. That's all I'm truly passionate about. Oh and popular culture, philosophizing/thinking/imagining/being apeshit nuts.


That's all I give a shit about in life. 


I've found my niche, so go find yours! Haha just kidding this is not a fucking Bruce Jenner-esque motivational speech.


My friend also said in her letter to me, "You've been through a lot of shit this year..." 
It's true. I was touched someone acknowledged this.


Not to pat myself on the back, but I frankly think I deserve it.


I honestly emotionally and mentally FEEL myself getting stronger each day. I feel invincible at times.


Which is ironic because I usually feel like everything goes wrong for me.


But I have been through hell and back this year. Last year very little went wrong. 


But this year has made me grown so much stronger and more mature and knowledgeable and worldly and just an overall MUCH more evolved and better person in general. 


I've learned so fucking much. I look like a petulant deer in the headlights last year compared to this year. 


Anyway I've never been a big fan of school clubs and all that bullshit? 


I hate when people micromanage. One of my best friends is so much like that. She is "always super busy"/"never has any time to breathe." Cop out. I don't buy that shit I'm sorry.


I was talking about this with my roomie earlier today and we agreed saying "I'm too busy"/"too tired"/"too stressed" is all just fucking BULLSHIT to conceal the true underlying meaning as to what you really mean. 


Like when my ex-"lady friend" or whatever the fuck you want to call her was like "I'm TOO BUSY TO DATE" etc (before she basically said that she doesn't want anything to do with me..."But oh we can be friends.") 


If you have to try really hard to be super blatant about your "hipster ways" and shit, you are not a hipster.


I do NOT call myself a hipster. 


Yes I'm in the minority so to speak, though that sounds peculiar to state. I'm a lesbian, "artist type", passionate, dramatic amateur poet/writer/novelist in general. A "young, tortured artist." Ha. But honestly I AM. 


That's the stereotype that fits me though I just want to be ME. Straight up. I'm a far more intricate being than that.


Anyway, here are some questions I want to ask myself and look inward to ponder.
1. Am I happy? 
That's truly a loaded question. Yes, I think I am. I have the usual stressful bullshit of most people and still coping with odd problems that tear me up from time to time like being in...(lust? love? i don't know) with one of my closest friends as I watch her fall for a guy who genuinely seemed interested but I know for a fact he'd never appreciate her the way I do. But I have to do it on a platonic level. 'Cuz I know, truly DEEP DOWN I wouldn't want anything more with her anyway. As we agreed, the friendship's far too important. But yeah, I think the "man friend" is one lucky son of a bitch of course. I don't know why I'm still so taken with her. 
You'd think it would have gotten old by now. But she just makes me so content! It's so insanely enjoyable to be in her presence. 
Yesterday when I was in tears and a numb, drifting hollow entity because of More Women Troubles, she made me laugh and smile when I truly didn't want to and TRIED SO HARD NOT TO! Haha. My friends in general were wonderful. They cheered me up so well. I am perfectly fine. I never saw a future with her anyway. It wasn't what I wanted. I honestly think I want SEX.
But yes of course I want a girlfriend. Perhaps someday. 
Only time can tell. 


Anyway, where was I? Oh yes.


2. Have I ever been in love?
Okay, I don't know how to judge that. I don't think so. Just a lot of lust, honestly. I think I will be in love when I find that soulmate of mine who loves me as much as I love her. That's love. That's always what my mom said...building a life with someone, that connection, something so deeply entrenched emotionally within you that it's indescribable. That's what love is to me.