experience truly is the harshest of teachers. but my God, do you learn.

"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."
---Oscar Wilde


I have been so badly behaved this year. 
Yes, I have been ill-mannered plenty of times in the past, but it wasn't as severe. I've always gotten into trouble, but it usually was purely detrimental to myself, and this year is truly when I fully experienced a guilty conscience and my sordidness 


In the long run, I will look upon this year and see but a faint scratch upon a massive mural of vivid colors, all of the colors of the rainbow. I know I am far from a villain. I was stunningly, repulsively negligent, acting brashly, unthinking, petulant, vicious without even realizing it. I was oblivious. I was a child. I've forgiven myself fully I think though. 
It's quite the paradox, I forgive others in the blink of an eye, no questions ask. But as for myself? It takes an infinitely longer time.
There are no words that can heal a person you hurt, I can ramble and weave countless diatribes and talk in circles with an incalculable number of orations, groveling and pleading, with tears in my eyes but you can't take back what you did and said. 
You can only pray to God that time heals the wounds, things shift back into place, and if things go down properly, they will all see you as a good person that you truly are. A self-proclaimed fool, a flawed human being, but nevertheless a truly benevolent, caring, empathetic, self-deprecating human being.
I'm not going to say I'm a bad person and say I am repulsive and so on and so forth. Was my act repulsive and dreadful and an immense violation? Yes, indisputably! But I am NOT repulsive and wretched. I have done despicable things, yes, but I am a far better human being that quite a lot of people out there. 
Hsun Tzu couldn't be more valid.
Human nature is evil. We have to grow and learn through harsh experiences in order to come around and be good creatures. I had to experience much pain, suffering, sorrow and chaos in order to come full circle and rebirth myself, in a way, philosophically speaking. 
"The nature of man is evil; his goodness is acquired."
Why is it that people enjoy being evil more so than good? Whatever happened to pacifism and killing them with kindness? I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, and I am willing to admit all of my shortcomings, and God knows there are an abundance of them and I am more than content to rattle them off. But I won't long, I don't want to write a dissertation. 
However, I know and the people who know me, who know me and TRULY see me, they may not understand me FULLY, but these are the people who can see past my bullshit and realize I am a very good person, in spite of my past troublesome antics.
I am always sincerely sorry.
But since then, I have turned it around completely. It was not difficult by any means. I AM a new person! I see inside of myself very well. I firmly believe in self-improvement. It is the prime thing this world needs. If I can do it, anyone can. We cannot take away our actions, but we can be forgiven, as long as we forgive ourselves eventually.